Wired For Life VI, A Destiny For Dad

That song, the chorus we just sang, has a Father's Day meaning for me. I first heard it when my oldest son David took us to his little church outside of Lexington, Virginia, where he was in college. They had a guest speaker that day, and that song was his message. And he began to minister that song and talk about how God's love would heal and restore and make new, and I'll never forget that. It was one of the best sermons I ever heard, because it was flowing from this man's heart in a way that was unexpected and living and powerful. I can sing of God's love forever, only if you know it, only if you've received it and opened to it. We wanted to share this morning with our dads and with our families, because I think both dads and families need some encouragement on this day. So I want to begin by having two dads, and we just kind of thought, well, we want to get two dads who are in a little different place in their journey with their kids to talk about a few things they're facing. So let's give a warm welcome to you, Graham, and Paul Carter as they come one last time. Welcome. Thank you. Paul. Hey, guys. Well, thanks for sticking around. This is duty when you do this three times. I appreciate it very much. Now, tell us, your family is a little more mature than Paul's right now. Is that right? Yes, it is. My wife and I, my wonderful wife Becky and I, we just celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary last week. Thank you. Thank you. And we're blessed with two wonderful children. Christopher, my son, is 19, finished his first year at Grove City College this year. And my daughter is 16 and will be a junior at North Hills High School, and she's going on the mission trip to Mexico. Yay. Okay. And so you're a veteran of many... Okay. Now, Paul's children are a little bit younger. Yeah. I have a wonderful wife, Kate, and smaller kids. I have three girls. Melissa's two, Abigail's five, and Emma is seven. Two, five, and seven. You've got a noisy house, don't you? I'm outnumbered. You're greatly outnumbered. Okay. What would you tell Paul he needs to look out for in the next 15 years? My word of advice would be to watch out that you don't become disconnected. That's one of the biggest things. To summarize it all, I think just staying connected with them and realizing what, since It's important with your sons, but the father's role with their daughters is extremely important. So God must have special love for you, Paul, to give you three to try on. What challenge do you feel already with your family in terms of communicating? Well, in terms of communicating, they're young, so you don't have a whole lot of profound conversations with them. With material? You don't? Really? So what do you do? So our communication consists of a lot of tickle time. We call it TT and rolly hugs and things like that. But the other thing I'm learning is when they want to talk, it's usually at the end of a long day and I'm pooped and I want to go to bed and they want to talk. So I have to be aware and be open to take advantage of that time. The other thing is we're blessed and I want them to know that I'm not providing these blessings but only through God and to be a good steward of them. And that's a hard thing to teach young kids. But I want to encourage you, I think you're doing the right thing to seize the moments that you have because you can't communicate with kids when you're ready. You have to do that when they're ready and I think you're on the right track. One last thing. There's a lot of parents here of teenage children. What would you want the teenagers to know and what do you think other parents would want teenagers to know that maybe is hardest for you? Well, I think teenagers kind of, when they're gaining their independence, it's almost like you can feel like, well, they don't need me to fuss over them or they don't need me to show them physical affection. They want to shy away from that. But really that's just to put on they really do and they need it. And it not only fulfills you but it fulfills them whether they want to admit it or not. But that's one thing. It took a while for my wife and I to get to that point where we can communicate with each other enough that we can communicate with them. But that's one of the most important things. And it's important to you as dads to feel that back, I'm sure. Yes, absolutely. Well, guys, listen, you're doing a great job. From what I can tell, the Lord's blessed your family. So thanks so much for sharing. Let's give them a hand. They've been here three times to share with us. Appreciate it. Thanks, Paul. And I've told them they're welcome to go on and get some lunch because they've been here faithfully here for three services. I'd like you to take your outline out of your notes now and I want to share from God's Word. I want to get right into this and maybe change things a little bit from what I've done earlier just because I'm free to do that. It's one thing I love about our church, not dramatically but just all the things when God nudges I want to do that. Look in your outline. I have the scripture. Now, everyone get your outline out because if you're not looking at it, you're going to start daydreaming. You'll walk away in 35 minutes and say, well, I didn't get anything out of that. And this is not just for the dads. This is for the families today. What dads need most. And my scripture is out of Ephesians 6. We've been reading week by week out of Ephesians. We have a notice 4, 5, and 6. The Passover will end next week in this series in Ephesians 6, 10 through 18. But here's 1 through 4. Let's read it together. Read it with me. Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord for this is the right thing to do. Honor your father and mother for if you honor your father and mother, you will live a long life full of blessing. And now a word to you fathers. Don't make your children angry by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction proved by the Lord. Sounds easy, doesn't it? Sounds like you just read that. Okay, fine. We'll honor mom and dad and dad and mom will treat us right and everyone will be happy ever after. Did that happen to your home? Well, this isn't easy stuff to fulfill. It takes a lot of grace and we're going to talk about that this morning. This is my first Father's Day in 25 years. Talk about first now. First Father's Day in 25 years and I haven't had at least one of my kids at home. My oldest son, David, is in San Francisco on a work assignment. Amy, who some of you know because she worships here regularly, is living in visiting a friend and her husband, J.D., is his name. He's in Europe with 45 middle schoolers being immunized against fatherhood. And Jonathan, my youngest, has just moved to New York City. So it's going to be Tucker and me after the service today. But I don't feel bad about that and I don't want you to feel bad about it. People said, I don't feel bad about it because I can tell some honest stories about growing up with the kids. I do that anyhow. But all these years I had to get their permission before I used their stories in my messages because they get the tapes anyhow. So we'll be honest. But if literature and media are any barometer, being a dad is no great shake anyhow anymore. Seriously. There's some references to Father's Day and this and that and barbecues and picnics. But I looked through USA Today this weekend and I want you to know on Mother's Day weekend there was a whole lot in here. And there should be for moms. But I couldn't find anything in here for dads. And it just seems the more I looked around on the internet and every place else in my library, the only thing that I found were things that were telling dad what he should do. I had dads tell me in previous years they weren't coming on Father's Day because they didn't want to hear another message about what they should do. How they weren't matching up to what the standard was and so on and so on. And there are some very clear standards. We're going to talk about those today, but we're also going to talk about the other side of this, which is how families can help dads succeed. I think that's very, very important because it's not easy being a dad. And I can say that now with a lot of experience and a lot of conviction. And it is the heart of most dads to be a good dad, especially if you're walking with God. But it's not easy in the culture in which we live and with the demands that are upon us. So I want us to look together at this and hopefully you can leave here today with one way that you can support the Father in your life and be a blessing to him. Because dads need it. And by the way, if you're not a physical dad, the soul of every father is in us. The soul that originates and shapes and forms. And so you can take some things out of this in terms of any of your relationships as well. What I'm going to share with you is out of God's word, because God's word is clear, that he is, as we sang earlier, the father of us all. Ephesians 3.15. And so what I'm going to share with you are four specific characteristics of how God fathers us, and therefore we can be fathers as he would have us to be, and how then, in turn, we as members of his family can support our father in that amazing role. So let's look at this. First of all, the four pillars of fatherhood. Number one, the first one is the role of provider. Now, how many of you kids are glad that your father is providing a way for you to go to Mexico? All right. Now, I'm sure you helped in that process, right? Now, there's some heads going yes and some heads aren't moving, which tells me they're not sure. You see, every father in this place knows that what makes him a father first and foremost, listen, is his vision for what his family is to be. And a dad that's birthing God's purposes in his family has a vision for what God wants that family to be, a cause, a purpose, a destiny that he owns in his soul. And then he sets about the process of providing what it takes to fulfill that vision that God's planted in him for his family. And provision is much more than just physical things. When we say provide, we immediately think money, housing, food, and so on, all the basics and necessities of life. But that's just the beginning. To equate that with providing is like equating sex with love. It's just part of the package. If a father only thinks financially, I'll provide a nice home and a college education, and trips here and there, and a car, and insurance, and so on. He's not going to be a good provider. He's going to be partially right. He's missing the incredibly valuable side of provision, which has to do with character, and wisdom, with security, and love, with heart, and spirit, and justice. These qualities outlast and outlive a man and his things. And these are the things that God has always provided for us. Not just things things, but the intangible things that really make us who we are. He started in the Garden of Eden. Not just providing them with all the lush things that they could eat and do, but with his presence. That was the main provision. And then later on, as I noted in your outline, when God required something of us, he even provided what he required. When he asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, at the last moment he said, No, don't do it. I'll provide the offering. And you can see there, Abraham believed that he would do it in Genesis 20-14. When he did it, the Lord provided the lamb in place of his son Isaac. And he called the place, the Lord will provide. And the name of God, Jehovah-Jireh, literally means, I am the God who provides. I am the God who sees, hears, and provides. So God's nature is to be a provider. And likewise, that's the nature of every father. His heart is to fulfill that enormous responsibility of providing. Physically, but also spiritually, and emotionally, and in other ways as well. Now, there's so much at stake here in a man. There's such a sense of responsibility that many men will throw themselves into their careers in order to fulfill that role as provider. Now, I know that some of us have been, over the years, influenced by a dad, perhaps, who we saw very little of because they were so consumed by their job. And we thought, you know, they're just in it for the ego thing. And I'm sure there are some dads who are like that. But some dads that I know turn themselves in an enormous amount of energy into their job because they feel such a burden to provide. And here's the thing that gets very important. If a dad is not affirmed for who he is, apart from what he does, he will begin to gain his significance in what he does, and not who he is. And he'll start doing, rather than being. And then you're going to lose the very connection that you were talking about. So, families, what a dad needs most from you is your expression of affirmation of who he is, apart from what he does. And then second, he needs your appreciation for what he provides. I get concerned because lots of times I see spouses and I see kids who take what their husbands and fathers do for granted. And they should be very cautious not to do that. Not just because it's in gratitude, but because it demeans the essence of the worth of that man. And makes him lean right back to that familiar friend of work, which he'll happily throw himself into, because he's going to get his strokes and affirmation from there. So, families, the best thing you can do on this Father's Day is to tell dad how much you love him, regardless of what he does, and how much you appreciate what he does. Because he has lots of people who are telling him what he doesn't do very well. My biggest regret personally with my dad was when he was 61 years old, he lost his job. He didn't want to retire then. He lost his job. Phased out, like many of you have had to face that experience. And I didn't realize how important that was to him. I was very busy building the church here and consuming my things. And when my dad lost his job, I didn't realize that he started to pull away. His sense of identity and worth were really damaged by that. And a couple of years later, I realized that I had just missed that. It went right over my head. And I had to ask my dad's forgiveness and kind of restore our relationship, because I just didn't understand how important it was to him. So that's number one, the role of provider, a sense of affirmation and appreciation. Second is the role of protector. Every dad in the place knows what protecting is about. It's innate in us to want to be there to defend and cover and protect our families. God is the same way. His name is the warrior God. The Lord is a warrior. The Lord is His name, Exodus 15.3. The Lord will protect him and preserve his life. He will bless him in the land. Because of his great love, God wants to keep us from evil. And because of a father's love, he wants to protect and keep his family from outside evil. And listen, from inside evils as well. Things that will destroy a family from the inside. When we see this quality, man, we love that. We know that's what a man's supposed to do. He's supposed to protect, even if it costs him greatly. And when we see the opposite, we're repelled. Because the opposite is someone who uses his family or child to his own gain. If you saw the movie Titanic, you might remember these two scenes. They happen pretty close to each other. It's when they're getting on the little lifeboats, the few that they were able to launch. You're going to first of all see a man who acted as a coward. And then you'll see one who acted as a true father. Let's watch these two clips. Come on. Your money can't save you any more than it can save me. Get back! I have a child! I have a child! Please, I have a child! Please, I'm all she has in the world. Step back! Step back, I say! That's the slime ball. Give it to me. It'll be fine, darling. Don't you worry. It's goodbye for a little while. Only for a little while. There'll be another boat for the daddies, this boat's for the mummies and the children. You hold mummy's hand and be a good little girl. But, of course, there was another boat for the daddies. But he did the right thing. He did the protecting thing. This heart of protection is seen in Jesus, who manifests all these qualities in a majestic way. Because even Jesus, who is often portrayed in gentle and lowly terms, demonstrates a righteous anger and indignation when the father's house is violated. He protects the father's house. And in the end, if you read the end of the book, read Revelation, Jesus feels so strongly about protecting his own, that he comes back in power and grandeur and might, and purges evil from the earth. Look at the verse that I put on your outline. I saw heaven standing open, John writes, and there before me was a white horse whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and makes war. His eyes are like blazing fire. This is the character of God. This is in the heart of every man as well, to be a protector. You know, this starts when kids are really little. Moms and dads, do you remember when your little boy started playing? What do they normally start to do when they play? They start, you know, shooting and battling together, don't they? I mean, I know parents who are trying to keep their kids away from guns and so on. A kid can take a branch and make it look like a rifle, just like that. They can walk out, you give them a teddy bear, you say, play with this teddy bear. They'll walk out holding the leg and go... You know, it's just the way they are. They're wired to do it that way. My brother started playing with army men when he was like two years old, and he'd build all these things, and he recorded all the sounds. No matter what we did, that was just his innate wiring. Now he's a colonel in the Air Force Reserve after 25 or so years. That's just who he was. And you see, that's just part of us. It's part of the innate orientation we have to protect and to keep. The problem becomes, however, that there's the other side of our manliness that is being called upon in our families that seems to be in contradiction to that. It's the side of tenderness. It's the side of expressiveness and so on. And it's quite difficult for a man to be in the protector role and then to switch the gears and suddenly be approachable and available and soft-hearted. And I'm not sure families fully understand that. To go from warrior to warm fuzzy is not an easy transition. Garrison Keillor writes about it in this way. He says, this is not a great year for guys. Guys are in trouble. Manhood once an opportunity for achievement now seems like a problem to be overcome. Plato, St. Francis, Leonardo da Vinci, Vince Lombardi. You don't find guys of that caliber today. What you find is terrible gender anxiety. Guys trying to be Mr. Right, the man who can bake a cherry pie and go shoot skeet, come back, toss a salad, converse easily about intimate matters, cry if need be, laugh, hug, be vulnerable, and the next day go off and lift them bales onto that barge and tote it. Being perfect is a terrible way to spend your life, he writes. Guys are not equipped for it anyway. It's like a bear riding a bicycle. He can be trained to do it for short periods, but he would rather be in the woods doing what bears do there. It's true. It's just hard sometimes. And what families need to do is to understand that this is a difficult thing to share these multiple roles. And they need to give dads some room to stretch into them. You know the word stretch is the word tendre, which means, which we translate back tender. To be tender as a dad means that you're stretched, you're expanded into your capacity to provide the kind of intimacy and care while at the same time being a protector and a shield. And we need to give dads the opportunity to make that switch in their homes. Number three, the role of mentor. The role of mentor. Turn your outline over. The role of teacher or mentor. Now clearly God is devoted to raising up mature sons and daughters of the faith. Jesus went out and assembled disciples, people who were under discipline for growth. He was called the rabbi or teacher. And so clearly that's how God functions with us. We as fathers know that there are certain things that we have to impart to our children. That's what we're called to do. These are things dads just know. Did you dads find that your kids came to you and asked you all these things like, which way do you turn a nut to screw onto a bolt correctly, dad? Because I can't seem to get this thing to work. Why do spiders feel so yucky when they're calling out my arms? Things that moms don't know about. Stuff like that. And kids can pop out with the weirdest statements and questions, can't they? I remember Jonathan was about four or five years old maybe and we had a car that we'd gotten about three years before that. We were riding along and Jonathan turned to me and said, Dad, how old is this car? I said, it's about three years old, Jon. He looked around and said, Wow, it's pretty big for three. I said, yeah, you're right. Wait till you see it at five. It's going to be huge. It's going to keep growing. But dads are the ones who shape and form their children, particularly in terms of their direction. Look at this next verse. Look at it. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of a man's youth. Now capture the picture. Because what he's saying is very important, dads. Your primary teaching role is to help your kids find their destiny. Do you see that picture? To take that arrow and aim it at God's bullseye for your child's life. And that is the essence of the teaching challenge that every man faces. That's the most important thing you can impart. And it's not an easy one. Because each child is different. How many of you don't take all your arrows and shoot them at the same time? You have to carefully aim each one to make sure it's on target. I have to tell you that this was the thing that I prayed I would be able to do as a father. Because I wasn't real good at the standard things. How about you, dads? Are you real good at the standard teaching formats? Do you have family devotions? I tried. My kids, of course, they knew I was a pastor. Because a pastor dad is going to come and teach us now the Bible. So they were waiting for me like snakes in the grass. We'd set up a little flannel board and we'd put up the white board. And I'd have puppets. They'd sit there like this. They'd be real dutiful at first. And about a minute or two into it, they'd start looking at each other. And then they'd poke. And within five minutes, my devotional time was a disaster. I was getting angry and blown up at. I said, no, I'm preaching the Bible to them, blown up and angry. I said, there's something wrong here. And, of course, they've already won the battle. So we'd go hopping off. And I'd just, no ice cream tonight and all that kind of stuff. And it just didn't work. That's why I adopted that, what we call in real families, that teaching philosophy of seizing the moments that come along and using them as teachable moments in your child's life. You've got to be with them as they experience the tapestry of life and point out what God's saying and speaking to them along the way. And it's an amazing way to help shape and form your kids. These arrows, dads, we only get to fire them this one time. And you know what? The older kids get, and some of you are here today with your young adult children, that's when it gets really interesting because, dads, at that point, we want to make the very best road possible for our kids. But at some point, we have to let them go. We have to release the arrow, don't we? James Dobson was doing some study. Most of you know he's a very well-respected Christian psychologist. And he surveyed a group of young adult children about their top five concerns as they related to their parents. It wasn't about in-laws. It wasn't about spiritual warfare or whatever. Let me just read it. The number one issue for these adult children as they sought to relate to their parents with twice as many expressions of concern as any other, just as twice as many, was the inability or unwillingness of parents to release their grown children. Whether by direct influence or subtle control, parents kept their kids in their life in an inappropriate way. They didn't let their child discover what their destiny was to be. How many dads taught your kids how to ride a bike? That's an amazing experience, isn't it? You do the training wheel thing for a while, but you come to the day when you've got to take the training wheels off. We used to go over to North Park in the big swimming pool parking lot. Put Amy or Dave or John on the bike, and I'd run behind them holding the seat. Did you do that, Dad? Now, what did you know in your head? You knew that at some point you had to let go of the seat of the bike. But what did you also know when you let go? What did you know was going to happen? They were going to go over, and then what was going to happen? They're going to wail and cry. No, where were you, Dad? Scrape knees and all that stuff. So this dilemma, this tension is going on in your head. I can keep holding on here. I can run a long way at the speed they're going. And they're not going to cry. And everything will be fine. But see, deep inside, a deeper motivation is I want to let them experience the freedom of riding on their own. I have to let them go. So there's some pain involved, but you have to let them go. I want my children to be arrows going deep into the heart of God and His purposes for their life. And that's what a mentor does. So you've got to lean into that. And families, what you can do is to be responsive to a dad's teaching. Don't make it so difficult. Listen, he's already challenged. Ask for his counsel. Seek his wisdom. Ask questions. Moms, you can be a big help too. Carol would say often times, Hey, one of the kids has a question. I came home one night and said, David's got a question for everyone. David, what's your question? I said, where's your wallet, Dad? But moms, you can help a whole lot. Help us know when we're doing things right and when we think we are and we're not really doing it. Because being a mentor is very important to our kids. And that opens the door for us also to be their friend. I want you to see a little sketch here about how a father and son might relate on one of the most important days of their life, the wedding day. How many of you have been to a wedding this spring? April, May, June wedding? There's nothing like that. It's just a special moment. Well, we have a father, a true biological father and son who are going to do this little sketch for you today. And it captures some of the emotions that a family goes through and a father and a son feel if they have a good relationship. So watch this and just see if some of the dynamics we talked about today are at play as we watch together the wedding. I do. I do. I do! I do. I think there's a problem here. What's the problem? I think they're a little big. What do you think? Well, you think that the entire wedding party could fit into them? Dad, didn't you give them the right size? Well, I thought I did, but... But what? But your mother always handled those details. Here, let me see the tag. It says Peterson, not Peters. You got somebody else's pants. Yeah, a very large and short somebody. Oh, man. We gotta call Nino's Taxes, but we don't have a whole lot of time. The wedding starts in ten minutes. We'll just staple them. I wonder what Mr. Peterson's doing now. Whatever it is, I'm sure it's painful. There. You'll look fine. Just stay facing forward and stay away from any lightning. Here, put on your coat. Okay. I hate weddings, Jeff. I was never good at weddings. I should have warned you. Well, you've only had one. That hardly qualifies you as an expert. Here, let me help you put on your coat. What? Large, huh? Not if you're a lineman for the Pittsburgh Steelers, Dad. If anybody asks you anything, just tell them you've been ill. When your mother and I got married, God rest her soul, I really did get, you know, ill. What do you mean, ill? I mean, right on her shoes. You didn't. I did. Right after the pastor said, if there's anybody that has any objection to these two getting married, speak now or forever hold your peace. Well, I couldn't hold my breakfast. I started feeling warm, and then I saw these little green things floating around the room, and the next thing you know, ah! What did Mom do? Well, it wasn't a tap dance, that's for sure. She just said, oh, Frank, she was like that, cool under pressure, never rattled by anything. I swore then, never again. One wedding was fine, but then she wanted a second one. A second one? Yeah. Sometime later, she wanted us to renew our vows, you know, go through the whole ceremony. I broke out in hives three days before. I had to buy her a dining room set instead. That'll work. I don't know, Jeff. I just hope I can get through this one. Don't worry. You'll be fine. And if you get dizzy this time, just let me know first. Okay. You're a good kid. A little too controlled, but a good kid. A little too controlled? Yeah. You're just like your mother. Nothing rattles you. I get rattled. I just don't show it. Well, that's even worse, keeping things in. You get ulcers keeping things in. You gotta let things out. Well, maybe not at weddings, but you know what I mean. But, Dad, that's hard for me. I wouldn't feel... In control. I know. I heard that from your mother a thousand times. But, son, there are things in this life that you can't control. Over and over again, I would say to your mother, Honey, what's bothering you? Nothing's bothering me, she would say. I'm just thinking. Even when she was lying in a hospital bed with tubes in her arms, she was just thinking. She just didn't want you to worry, that's all. But I took a vow to worry. A vow to worry? Yeah, you know, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, and to worry until death do us part. You know, I'm not so sure that worry part's in there. Well, it is if you love them. There was times when your mother was sick, I just wanted her to talk to me. I just wanted her to tell me what she was thinking, what she was feeling. I know she was just trying to protect me, but when you only have a short time with someone, even the hard times are special. Do you think Mom would approve? Of your marriage? Sure, she liked beginnings. How about Karen? Oh, she would have loved Karen. She always wanted a daughter. Hey, what time's this thing supposed to get started anyway? Oh, five minutes and counting. So, uh, you're gonna be alright then? I think so. I, uh, I love you, son. Thanks, Dad. Now remember, after Karen and I say our vows, you step forward and give us your blessing. Blessing? Your speech. You did think about it, didn't you? Oh, yeah, yeah. You want to hear a little of it now? Uh, we don't have much time, Dad. I think it would calm me down if you heard a little of this. Alright, go ahead. Alright. I'm not a man of fancy speeches, but Karen and Jeff, I love you both. I see the same kind of love and devotion in you that Jeff's mom and I had when we got married. But feelings could change as fast as your life will change. They're not always dependable, but there is one thing that you can't always depend on. It will be there in the good times and help you get through the hard times. It will kick you in the shorts when you need it to. It's the perfect love of Jesus Christ. He's your only hope for love. Kick you in the shorts? Well, I couldn't think of another way to say it. It's great. I love it. I wouldn't change a thing. So, you're gonna be alright then? I think so. It's just, I've never been a best man before. Sure you have. I have? My whole life. Son? Yeah? Cover your shoes. In that sketch you saw some levels of communication going on. That's real important as we look at this final point. To be a friend, you have to get beyond just the surface of things. I mentioned four levels of communication. The cliché, that's when you're just sort of spouting off little things that mean nothing. Then the others, just the factual exchange. Well, this happened and that happened. A lot of that goes on in homes these days. Just come telling a little bit about the day and that's it. The opinion is when you get down to giving your value judgment on a certain th