Wholesome Relationships, the Fruit of Joy

And by the way, while you're turning here, by all means take your notes because you're going to want to use this insert. I'm going to follow all the scriptures you need around here today except this one. I'm going to read Galatians 5.22 and then you're going to want to follow that. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. I'm going to describe the relational fantasy of everyone hearing me today. Whether you're single or married, there's three words that describe what you wish could be said about every relationship that you have. Ready? Happily ever after. Wouldn't that be great? Every relationship, live happily ever after. You know, Hollywood these days is telling us if you find the right person, you can be sure that for the balance of your life, you're going to live happily ever after. How many of you found out that that's not exactly true? How many of you are looking left and right, poking right now, huh? It's not. It's a myth, folks. It just isn't the way it is. In fact, marriage has, for some people, become the biggest problem of their lives, rather than the solution to all their problems. Have you met people like that? Maybe you were one of those people. We've been kind of taught that, you know, in a ceremony, I've done, I don't know, 150 or so weddings. It's the aisle, the altar, and then the hymn. After the ceremony, it's just, I'll alter him. Okay, stretching it some. In marriage, there's the ideal, then the ordeal, and then we look for a new deal. You've heard of the three rings, the engagement ring, the wedding ring, yes, you heard, and the suffering. Okay, all relationships have these kinds of ups and downs. Every relationship, folks, I don't know of anyone who's had a relationship with unbounded, perfect harmony. It just doesn't happen that way. We go through seasons, we go through times. Jesus Christ said, in this world, you'll have tribulation. We just didn't expect it to be in our own household. People say that all I really want in life is a little bit of happiness. Remember a little song a couple years back, Don't Worry? So easy to sing, so difficult to discover. Now scripture gives us some keys to finding a dimension of satisfaction in our relationships that's far more significant than happiness. It's called joy. I want to give you a definition, top of the page here. Joy is, ready, go ahead, joy is the positive confidence that I feel from knowing and trusting God regardless of my circumstances. That's the definition of joy. Just leave it up a second. And joy is distinctly different from happiness. Happiness comes from the Latin word, hap, which means good luck. You've heard of the word happenstance? Happiness has to do with external circumstances, with chance. Joy has to do with internal realities and choices. Simple as that. That's the difference. Folks, if that's so, I mean, if joy is an internal thing that's available to those whose center is not something outside but is Christ, why are so many Christians so devoid of joy? It's a stumbling block to me. I mean, I have to tell you that I know lots and lots of folks that characterize Christians as being the most sourpussed, you know, baptized in pickle juice kind of people. And that is not who we ought to be at all. In fact, I want to submit to you today that Jesus Christ was not some somber prophet walking around lamenting the situation. I believe Jesus was a man of joy. The number one reason I believe that is not just because the Bible describes his joyful relationship with his father, but because little children always wanted to be with him. And I've learned something about little kids. They don't like to be around grumps. They like to be around people who are joyful. So I want to submit to you as Christians, we ought to have the same joy as our Savior. Now let me give you three reasons why I think our joy just kind of dissipates. And again, I could talk about joy in relationship to trials and struggles. This is in relationship to relationships. Three relational killjoys, all right, three things that happen in our relationships that take the joy out of them. Number one, this is a big one, it's selfishness. We are prone to think because of who we are that our way is probably the best. Am I right about that? I mean, even if you put it in godly terms, we're tending to think that we kind of understand God's will better than the other person in that relationship. And so, you know, what it really comes down to for many relationships is just a giant power struggle between two self-adulating people who think they kind of know what's best for the other person, each one using their own particular weapons of choice, some just by intimidation and loudness, and some by just withholding and shyness. But folks, we're all naturally bent to want to do things our own way, and we're always seeking to carry out our own little designs and plans, we always want to be the one that looks good. Isn't that true? How do I know that's true? If I were to go get a giant Polaroid camera now and take a wide-angle snapshot of this wonderful congregation and hand you a copy, whose picture would you look at first? Oh, I'd look at yours, Pastor Jay, just to be sure. No, who would you look at first? And how would you evaluate whether or not it was a good picture? Yeah, I mean, if you were looking really sharp there, hey, you know, this is great. But if you're there, you know, like this, you'd say, get that, that's a terrible picture. That's how we're just inclined to be. Look what it says here in James chapter 4, it's right on your notes. Where do all the fights and quarrels among you come from? They come from your desires, which are constantly fighting within your bodies. You strongly desire things, but cannot get them, so you quarrel and fight. Look what it says in James 3.16 in the Living Bible, wherever there is jealousy or selfish ambition, there will be disorder and every other kind of evil. You can count on it. Selfishness kills joy. Second way that we lose joy in relationships is through resentment. Amazing numbers of people suppress their hurts and look for ways to retaliate. I heard someone say recently, in relationships, I don't get mad. Well, I guess even, yes, some of you have said that. Folks, it's an axiom. Relationships will cause you hurt. As I said last week, if you don't want to be hurt, don't have any relationships. People just do. We've, we just fail each other. But what you do with that hurt can either release joy or kill it. Look at Hebrews 12.15 says, you see, if you rehearse and keep repeating that hurt, if you keep going back to it, I want you to know that that hurt will develop what's called a root of bitterness. And bitterness is the worst kill joy you can experience. Look at the verse 15 says of Hebrews 12. Watch out that no bitterness takes root among you. For as it springs up, it causes deep trouble, hurting many in their spiritual lives. You know, lots of folks tell me different times, counseling sessions and interactions, they'll say, particularly related to their marriages, they'll say, you know what? It's not that I hate my spouse anymore. I'm beyond hate. I just don't feel anything. I feel nothing, zero. And invariably when I hear that, I know that something's happened in that relationship that hurt that individual. Because what they've ended up doing is taking all of the energy and every one of us has a finite amount of emotional energy and they focus it on that hurt and they drain off the energy that could be reconstructive and they let it just zap away the strength and eventually destroy the relationship. When you feel nothing, it's a sure sign that you've suppressed the hurt and you've not dealt with it. You say, but Jay, you don't have any idea what I've been through. And please don't receive this as some kind of sense that I'm minimizing your pains. Your pains are very real. But listen, it won't heal them by continuing to go back over them and rehearsing them and just sort of running through it. You say, but I got a terrible raw deal out of this thing. I mean, when I got married, I expected something different that happened. I got cheated. It was false advertising. And I couldn't control the circumstances. You know what? You're absolutely right. You couldn't. But you can always control your response to the circumstances. You can always control how you're going to react to that other person. May I tell you, just in case it might have escaped you, that maybe they have some disappointments in their end too. Maybe they didn't feel like they got the same thing that they expected. And that really is my third killjoy. It's unmet, and I might add in here, unrealistic expectations. How many of you have been on the receiving end of unmet expectations? You had this image in your mind of some wonderful experience with a friend or your spouse or whatever, and it bombed. Ever have that happen? Shake your head. No? No? Yes. Okay. I think it's a common experience to us all. People don't live up to what we hope they would, and we're crushed. Ecclesiastes 1.8 that I mentioned down there will tell you something. People never will live up to what you expect of them. The eye is always looking for something more to happen. It's just kind of who we are. And if this begins to take place and you get disappointed and discouraged, and it happens again and again, you know what takes place? Not only do you lose your joy, but you begin to lose your hope. And when you lose your hope, you lose your relationship. Relationships cannot survive without hope and without trust. And so it's very important when you have a disappointment like that, just acknowledge that maybe God has to come around another way to satisfy that need in your soul. And don't let the joy be robbed out of you. Don't give up on the relationship just because this person doesn't seem to be delivering what you hope they would. Now, how do we get on the other side of this disappointment and this hurt? How can we get on the other side of these killjoys? Well, let me share with you the three sort of antidotes, if you will, to these poisons in relationships. And if you'll notice on the back side of your page, all three of them begin with the word focus, but there's a blank on the bottom of the front side, and that's the key. The key to maintaining joy in relationships, one simple phrase, the key is maintaining right perspective. Keep a right perspective on what's happening in that relationship. I can't tell you how confident I am that I wouldn't be here as your pastor today if it wasn't for perspective. There are lots of things that would be different in my life, except that God has enabled me and allowed me and graced me with perspective from time to time. Perspective is very important. It can make you change important decisions in your life. With apologies to those of you who have heard this illustration, I've never heard a better one about perspective. Two battleships were assigned to the training squadron that had been at sea on maneuvers in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy fog, so the captain remained on the bridge, keeping an eye on all activities. Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, there's a light bearing on the starboard bow. Is it steady or moving stern, the captain called out. Lookout replied, it's steady, captain, which meant we were on a dangerous collision course with the ship. The captain then called to the signalman, signal that ship, we're on a collision course, advise you to change course 20 degrees. Back came a signal, advisable for you to change course 20 degrees. The captain said, send this, I'm a captain, change course 20 degrees. Back came the message, I'm a seaman, second class, advisable, you better change course 20 degrees. By that time, the captain was furious. He spat out, send, I'm a battleship, change course 20 degrees. Back came the flashing light, I'm a lighthouse. We changed course. Perspective changed, course changed. Folks, simple as that. It helps a great deal to have a proper perspective. Let me share with you three specific ways you can do that. Number one, focus on giving rather than receiving. Now very simply, we talked about this last week, this is called love, love, and I want you to notice something. The Lord Jesus had a very profound link between love and joy, and if you please put up the scripture, John 15, verses 10 and 11. I just stumbled across this in my study this week, John 15, verse 10 and 11. Jesus says, if you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that what? Your joy may be complete. Do you see the link? Love and joy are linked. If you want to have God's perspective on how to make a relationship a joyful one, you've got to learn what it means to give love. And by the way, you can be a giver without loving, but you can never love without giving. I mean, that's the definition of it. It's the essence of giving. That's what love is. Love is the willingness to see and to give. Love is based on giving. That's why it says in Acts 20, verse 35, it is more blessed to give than to receive. I don't know how many of us really believe that. I think we maybe feel like, you know, whoever wrote that was just a little bit out of touch. How many of you feel like it's more blessed to receive? And especially in relationships, we're always hoping that the other one will see kind of what we need. Well, you know what that is? You know what it is when you're always looking to get? That isn't love. You know what the word is for that? It's lust. Lust is the desire to get what I want when I want to get it. Isn't it? That's what lust is. And all the world out there is sending you a message that love and lust are the same thing and they're really not. I mean, this week, I just intentionally listened to some love songs on the radio. Gimme, gimme, gimme your lovin', you know? Now, what is that? Is that someone saying, I'm going to just whatever you need, I'm going to take care of you? No, that's someone saying, if you don't give me what I need, I'm going to take it from you. That's lust. And lust kills joy in relationships. The problem is, we see love according to a few sort of aberrations that aren't really scriptural. People say, well, I'll love you, and they'll say, I'll love you if. I'll love you if you please me, if you're cool, if you get a good job, if you give me status. I'll love you if you stay home with the kids like I expect you to. I'll love you if you hold me. And you know what that love is? What is love that says if on it? That's conditional love. And what happens when the conditions change? Love disappears. Love is over. A second kind of love that's not really true love, biblically speaking, is, I love you because. I love you because you do things for me. I love you because you look good. I love you because you're talented. I love you because I feel good when I'm with you. I love you because we have the same interests. And by the way, can I tell you something? A lot of my marriage counseling, when I ask people to say, how do you know you love that person? Those are the reasons they give me. Oh, I feel so good when I'm with them. Oh, we have the same interests. That's not love. See, if that's why you love, the becauses can change too. If you stop doing those things, if you can no longer go out and share the same interests because of an injury, what happens to love? If someone comes along that looks a little better and makes you feel a little more cared for, what's going to happen to love? The only kind of love the Bible talks about is, I love you, not if, not because. I love you, period. End of story. I love you, that's unconditionally. In spite of what happens, even with your imperfections and faults, I love you. And folks, how many of you know in a marriage, especially over time, conditions change, everything externally changes, but love can stay the same. We've been married 23 years. I was reminded last night, 23 years. I made a choice 23 years ago to love my wife and she me, and we've lived in that choice. Does that mean we've been happy all 23 years, every moment of the day? No. I have to be honest. There have been moments. We have disagreements just like every other couple, but I want you to know, if someone else comes along, I'm not going to look and say, well, I like this one better, I like that one's good. No, I've made a choice to love my wife and I love her. This kind of love is something, if you'll look with me in the Scripture, is something we have to learn. Look at 2 Peter 1, 7. Learn. Look at it. Circle it. Learn to put aside your own desires so that you'll become patient and godly. This will make possible the next step, which is for you to enjoy other people and to like them. And finally, you will grow to love them deeply. People say, it was love at first sight. It's never love at first sight. It may be like at first sight or lust at first sight. It's never love. Love is a choice that you make as you come to know another person. You know what? In relationships, the tendency is to put less and less into them after we get them going. I've had a lot of people over the years come to me and say in their marriages, they'll say some things like, well, you know what? When we were first married, it was so wonderful. I mean, I felt like I was the focus of his attention. And now he's got other things in his mind. Let me tell you why that is. Most men are goal oriented. And somewhere in their life, they have a goal of getting married. That's my mission. And they go out and find the right person. And then they do everything in their power to win that person. You know, flowers, candy, dinner, phone calls, singing in the rain, whatever they're going to do. They go out to win that love and to win that person. But once they walk down the aisle and have that wedding, mission accomplished. Goal achieved. Time for a new goal. And off they go. And it's not that they've forgotten. I mean, they just, they've got another goal. I've got to, you know, I've got to pay for this marriage and this family. And I've got to provide for them. And so now I've got a goal of getting a business going. And suddenly the wife's thinking, you know, what happened here? Where's all the romance? You don't bring me flowers anymore. Well, you know what happened? He just got a new goal. He has a new direction in which to walk. Sometimes there needs to be an adjustment there, a little shaking up going on. Things change. It's kind of like this little story I heard of five stages of a marriage cold. You'll like this. Five stages of a marriage cold. In the first year of marriage, it goes like this. Oh, honey, I'm worried about that little sniffle. So I called the paramedics to rush you up to Pasadena Hospital for a checkup and some rest. And I know how much you hate hospital food, so I'm going to arrange for TGI Fridays to cater every meal for you for the next week. Second year of marriage. Sweetheart, I don't like the sound of that cough. I've arranged for Dr. Johnson's to come and make a house call. Come on, let me just tuck you in bed, would you? Third year of marriage. You look like you've got a fever. Why don't you drag yourself down to the 24-hour quick care clinic and get some medication? I mean, I'll watch the kids. Go ahead. Fourth year of a marriage. Look, be sensible. After you've finished the dishes and bathed the kids and washed up, then you go put yourself to bed. Fifth year of a marriage. For Pete's sake, would you stop coughing? I can't hear the TV set. It really bugs me when you do this. Would you get upstairs and let me have some peace and quiet? You sound like a barking dog. So the man said, When I used to come home, my wife would bring my slippers and... indifference, but she'll be hurt. And our human nature tends to take those little hurts and continue to replay them again and again and again and again. I don't know how many times people will say, I don't understand why he said that. One thing comes out, and for the next six days, all I can do is just say, why did he say it that way? I wonder what he really wanted to say when he said it like that. How does he get off saying it to me like that? Doesn't he think I know what he said? I think he thinks he said this. And we just rehearse and rehearse and rehearse. I had a person come up to me about three or four months ago. They said, talking about something I had said in the springtime in a message. They said, when you said that, it really hurt me. And I've tried to get over it, and it's been three months now I can't get over it. And I said, well, what did I say? And when they told me what I said, I hadn't said that. They had misunderstood it. So for three months, they had thought I had said something and rehearsed it. And carried around an unnecessary pain. Look what Colossians 3.13 says. Number two there. Be gentle and ready to forgive. Never hold grudges. Remember the Lord forgave you, so you must... What does it say? You must forgive others. You must do it. Your joy will be full if you learn to walk in immediate forgiveness. I know it's not easy. But church, it's one of the ways that we keep the killjoys out of our lives. You say, well, you know what? People just always seem to be... I mean, why doesn't God do something else? Because he's in the process of using people and hurts in people to shape your character. Have you ever been to a Bill Gothard conference? One of the things that he... One of the graphics. He uses lots of overheads and graphics. He has your life as being this chunk of a diamond, just rough. And then he has a drawing with a real sharp chisel. Who's another person. And then he has a hammer, and that's God. Using that other person to chisel off the rough parts of your character and make you into a smooth, beautiful diamond. That's what God does. And the only comfort I can give you is if that's a chisel bag, then at least God's hammer is hitting that. That's one thing you can look at. Like that. That's the way it works. People say to me, well, you know what? If I just get my problems worked out. If I could just get a few of them worked out, then I could really focus on my relationships. I want you to know, here's a revelation for today. Life, dear ones, will always have problems. In fact, if I can say it, life is a series of problems to be solved. Why? Because God's working something in you for eternity. And when you pass one test, that's very good. Here's another one. One of my staff people asked me recently, he said, do you think things will ever get easier around here? No. No? No, because what God is looking for is not to make it easy. He's looking to make us holy. And it's taken some challenges to do that. And usually they come in the form of other people. Joy, look what it says here. We can be full of joy here and now, even in our trials and troubles. We don't have to wait for heaven. We can be full of them when? Here and now. These very things will develop a mature character in our lives. Number three, focus on God's provision rather than your problems and disappointments. Focus on God's provision. If the person that you were counting on to be your source of joy didn't come through, if they didn't meet your expectations, that's the time to turn to the Lord and say, God, I don't know what happened here, but this isn't what I expected. I need your joy right now. Look at Psalm 62, verse 8. Trust in God at all times. Pour out your hearts to Him for God is our refuge. God is our refuge. He's the source of our blessing. He's the one that will meet our needs. It's by His power. Listen, if God could raise Jesus from the dead, is there anything He can't do for you? No. All things are possible for Him who believes. You may find yourself looking for joy and finding nothing but disappointment. That's been the experience of many people in this church until they came to the realization that Jesus Christ is the source of joy. And I've asked for one of our new members, Matt McDermott, to come and share with you for just a couple moments here a little bit of his own journey to find joy. And I think you'll agree with me after you hear Matt that God has been very gracious to him in helping him discover good morning, where joy comes from. Matt, just describe in a little bit of a nutshell, and this is going to sound impossible, but the last, say, 20 years of your life from the mid-70s. Do we have an hour? Yeah, well, I do. I'm not sure they do, but you go ahead and draw it. Good morning. First of all, let me preface this with the fact that I come from a rather strong Catholic background, Catholic prep school, Catholic college, board of trustees of the same prep school. About 25 years ago, a very young and very scared Marine was in a hospital in Da Nang, Vietnam, and he made a promise with God. He said, God, if you get me through this, if you get me home, I will spend the rest of my life devoted to you. Well, he kept his promise, but I didn't keep mine. I came back. And I didn't enter a church for 20 years. Didn't pray. I didn't need God. I started a business and employed hundreds of people, only to lose it. I went through not one, not two, but three marriages, three divorces. There was an abortion along the way. There was psychological counseling. There was years of pain and years of expense. And I was still trying to drive the bus. I didn't need any help. I had all the answers. And the final analysis, I was not a happy camper. You had along the way successes. You achieved a lot. What happened to that stuff that you had? You mean the captain on the boat down in Fort Lauderdale, fire up the Learjet, traveling all over the world, dinners in Germany? Yeah, we had successes. They all left. So what happened as recently as three years ago? What took place in your life that began to turn things around? We were back in Pittsburgh, no longer in Boca, and we were looking for some office space. I looked at this building and said, I can't afford this space. Why am I even looking at this space? Still dreaming. God said, go in there and take a look. And I did. And I met someone from North Way, a very special person. And we became friends. She was going through a divorce, and I climbed on my white horse because I was a divorce expert. I'm going to help this person, right? This person had an inner peace that I had never seen before. I'd looked for all my life. I said, well, teach me about your inner peace. And she said, pray. And I prayed. And she said, get into the word. And I got into the word. And she said, come to North Way. And I started to come to North Way. And for the first time in my life, instead of asking God for favors, I started to praise Him. Instead of telling God where I wanted to go, I asked Him, where does He want me to go? And I started to accept the unconditional love that you can find in this church and in the home groups that are here. Today, for the first time in my life, I truly have joy, and I truly have peace. And I thank you for the opportunity and the honor to share that with you. As all of us are discovering, joy is a growing experience in different places in our journey. But it begins when we understand that it's not something that comes from our circumstances, but it comes from within. Let's conclude with this. Paul writes in Philippians 4, Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say, rejoice. How do I do that? Let me leave you with three simple things. Number one, I can rejoice no matter what the circumstances because God is with me. Isaiah 43, the whole verse is beautiful. Just that little portion I pulled out. When you pass through deep waters, the Lord says, I will be with you. Can I say, listen, some of you have been slugging through deep waters. I want you to hear me today, listen. The Lord is with you. He's promised it. The question is, will you turn to Him and let His grace and faithfulness be your perspective? Will you focus on who Jesus is in the midst of it? The Lord won't let you be alone. Remember, Paul wrote these words, the whole book of Philippians, from a jail cell. He was slated to die. If you want a little bit of a homework assignment to just check your joy quotient, read Philippians today into March. Just four chapters. Read the book of Philippians. Nineteen times Paul mentions rejoicing and joy. And I want to encourage some of you who have been battling with some depression and some struggle and some relational problems. Read Philippians this week and ask God to assure you as He says in His word that He will never fail you or forsake you. He's with you. Number two, you can have joy because God has a plan for you. Notice what it says, Psalm 50, verse 15. I want you to trust Me in your times of trouble so I can rescue you and you can give Me glory. One of my favorite verses in the entire Bible, Jeremiah 29, 11. For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. The Lord has a plan. What's happening to you today, God can work together as a building block for your future. You can rejoice because of that. There's never a tear that you shed that God doesn't see and that He won't use if you allow Him. Number three, you can rejoice because God will help you. Why be so gloomy and discouraged? Trust in God. Then I shall praise Him for His wondrous help He will make me smile again. Just circle that. He'll make me smile again. Dear ones, as we conclude today, you know, joy is contagious, isn't it? Laughter can make me laugh. Have you found that out? I'm going to know Pat Salah. I wanted to get a tape recording of Pat laughing. I heard her laughing last night. You can't not laugh when she's laughing. You just start laughing. And just the same way that joy is contagious, heaviness and gloominess and despair and all that heavy stuff, people stay away from that. Now, I'm not talking about ignoring our pains. I'm not talking about being frivolous about our challenges. I'm just saying this. If you have a need or a problem, don't let it be something that just causes you to sink down in the mire of your gloom. But rather, ask the Lord for strength and grace. Ask Him to give you His joy on the inside. And you'll begin to see things change. And let me just remind you of one last verse. If we'll put up Hebrews 12 and verse 2, please. This is something that Jesus Christ Himself experienced. Read it with me out loud, would you? Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. For the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. I think it's very significant. Leave it up a minute, Kelly. That for the joy set before the Lord, He went through the pain and separation of all relationship, even from His heavenly Father. Dear ones, you can have joy, even in the midst of your pain, because of what Jesus Christ has done. Let's stand together and ask the Lord for that this morning. Would you?