Victorious Values For the 90s III, Phenomenal Fathers

If he or she is not sleeping, okay, Ephesians 6, let's turn there together, Ephesians 6 verses 1 through 4 is our text for today. Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. Honor your father and mother which is the first commandment with a promise that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. Fathers do not exasperate your children, instead bring them up into training and instruction of the Lord. Well you have to know that speaking to fathers today when one is right in the midst of discovering what it means to be the father of three teenagers is a pretty fearsome thought for me personally. I thought two of my three kids were going to be gone today and I could breathe a little easier. Did you know the junior high group had to come back from Cedar Point because they were frozen out and so two of my kids are here in the service and I promised them I would not use them as illustrations, good or bad, and they promised that they'd give me a test score by the end of this message to see how I'm doing. It's a little bit fearsome at times, folks, and yet when it comes to being a great dad, where should we go for some insight and wisdom? Where do we need to look? To the Word of God, obviously, and I don't believe there's another scripture in all the Bible that's more poignant, more explicitly direct to fathers than Ephesians 6.4. In case you missed it while you were still turning, would you look up here and read it with me, please? Fathers do not exasperate your children. What does that word mean? What does exasperate mean? Come on. Frustrate or make them angry, but instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. How many of you understand that verse? I mean, it doesn't take a theological degree, right? It's pretty clear. Two parts of it. Don't exasperate them. Do raise them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Pretty clear? Right? Amen? Why is it then that in my experience around the church and in Christian circles, many fathers tend to do the opposite? They do exasperate, and they don't tend to train and instruct their kids in the nurture and admission of the Lord. I've watched this now for years, and being a dad, I know the struggle that there is to do what this verse says. Now, dads, let me ask permission here. Can I be real direct? Can I just kind of talk to you man to man today? I mean, rather than just sort of tiptoe around the issues, I'm not going to yell at you. I'm not going to condemn you. I'm not going to make you feel bad about your mistakes. And I want to say a word parenthetically right now to granddads and older dads. Several fathers have stopped me on the way out from the message and said, you know, I wish I had done what you said in that sermon. I feel guilty. And I said to them in every case, I said, listen, first of all, God forgives. And secondly, it's never too late to start. If your kids are still alive, you can still begin again to provide the kind of fathering that the Lord requires of us. You know, it's never been tougher to be a good dad. USA Today did a study, and I just clipped this thing out. It says in the last 20 years, 81% of Americans believe it's more difficult now to be a good dad than it was just 20 years ago. And I think that's probably true, because I think the flood, the flood of temptation, the flood of stuff, information, communication, mobility, and all that have made it more difficult than ever. But we need to be man enough today, fathers, to ask these questions that I'm going to ask and to pose them honestly and to deal with them. Because I have a question for you. If I don't ask you about your fathering, who's going to? I mean, your boss doesn't really care, does he? I mean, your neighbor isn't going to get involved in that. So who's going to ask you these questions? I have to. And so I'm going to do so with your permission. Let's look at the first part of that verse. It says, fathers, don't exasperate. I can't keep getting this out. Don't exasperate. Don't tick your kids off. All right. How do you do that? How do you frustrate your kids? Is it by turning the TV off when they're watching Growing Pains right in the middle of the program? Is it by making them drink their milk? Is it by saying, no, you can't have the car on Friday? How do you do that? Well, I began to look it up, the whole issue of anger and frustration related to sons and daughters and children in Scripture. And I have to tell you right out of the gate, I was shocked at the very few illustrations of positive parenting in the Bible. Very few of them. There's a lot more negative illustrations. And by far, the most significant, I mean, the most exasperated child in all the Bible that I could find was none other than Absalom, the son of King David. Absalom, the son of the great king, the great warrior, the great leader of the nation of Israel. Just how exasperated was Solomon? Tell me. Let's try this again. How ticked off was Absalom? How mad was he? Well, the first thing he did to express his anger is he murdered his half-brother, largely out of spite of his father's lack of action. I'll talk about that in a minute. He was so angry that he burned the fields of his father's administrative secretary. I mean, he committed arson just to get back at this man. He was so angry that he surmounted an insurrection to overthrow his father's kingdom. He tried to get him off the throne. And in the end, he was so angry that he took his father's wives and concubines and had public sex with them to show his complete domination over his father. You know, I have to say, when I read those four things, that redefines frustration, doesn't it? I mean, that's a little worse than just, you know, taking your dad's car out at night and doing neutral drops and trying to drop the transmission out of it, right? I mean, this kind of hardcore hostility by the son of a very godly man. Keep in mind that David, no question about it, was a paragon of spiritual leadership. I mean, the Bible says he was a man after God's own heart. He was a worshiper. He was the man who wrote most of the psalms that we study and use in our worship. He was a warrior and a king. I mean, he was an accomplished servant of God. And yet his son, Absalom, despised him. You know what this said to me when I was preparing this week? It said to me, Jay, it doesn't matter how spiritual you think you are. You better get this right because you can lose your kids. And I want to say, fathers of North Way, don't deceive yourself to think that just because you have a few things right that you're going to get this right. This is an important subject that we all need to address. And so I want to submit to you, we can learn some things from David's life with Absalom to help us not exasperate our kids. Let's look at it. Things that jumped out at me, I'm sure there were other things he did right, but three things that he did wrong. Three things that I feel will be foundational things. And by the way, lest I forget, do we have one of those green things there underneath your chair? Following the service, if our ushers would take a note, we purchased for you this little booklet, dads. It's our gift to you today. It's called Daddy's Home. This is full of neat little practical ideas for you fathers to implement with your families. This will be available on your way out. But what I'm going to share with you in the next 10 or 15 minutes are the foundational attitudes, the foundational convictions that will enable this to happen in your life. The three things that I see that were happening in David that brought about this frustration in his son Absalom were these, it's absenteeism and cowardliness and hypocrisy. And I know those aren't pleasant words, but dads, if we can avoid these things, we can be phenomenal fathers. Let's look first of all then, that a phenomenal father is one who is available and not absent. And I want to hasten to say right out of the gate and quickly clarify with you that I'm not talking about physical absenteeism only. How many dads here, just a little show of hands for a moment, how many dads wish you could spend more time at home? Let me see your hand. Okay. Moms, do you see that? It's not because the dads want to be gone, it's because they feel they have to be. And I've heard enough sermons and enough radio preachers and so on telling me, Dad, you need to be home more. We know that. But I am talking here about absenteeism of a different sort. I'm talking about absenteeism that takes place when fathers are in the same room with their kids. I'm talking about a dad who's physically present, but emotionally in another area code. You know, it's like McFly, you know, is there anybody there? What's going on? A kid can be looking for his dad to be involved with him and not find anyone home. And Norm Wright, who is a seminary professor of mine, calls these kind of men in one of his books phantom fathers, phantom fathers, bystanders as to what's really going on in their children's lives, on hand, but not really on board with them, around, but not really engaged in a life-giving, encouraging way, sharing the same space, but living in a different dimension of consciousness, as it were. They're often passive fathers, or preoccupied fathers, or weak fathers. Not necessarily in their business, and they may be in the top of their game, not necessarily with their peer groups, but in the home, they've abdicated that involvement and they've kind of withdrawn. Maybe you know someone like that. Fathers who don't really know what to talk about with their kids, so they don't talk about anything. Or when they do, it's simply superficial. Or these are fathers whose best energies are always directed outside of the home, so that when they do get home, there's nothing left to give their kids. It's like the little Father's Day card I flipped through and found the other day, when I was looking for a card from my dad, it said, Dad, it won't be hard to follow in your footsteps, and you open it up, and it shows these little foot tracks going from the refrigerator to the lounge chair the TV set, you know? Sadly, that's probably the case in more homes than we know. These phantom fathers are those who are so out of touch with what's really going on in the lives and hearts of their kids, of themselves, that they can't possibly tune in with what's going on in their kids. They kind of bounce along like a speedboat, clipping off the top of the waves of their kids' lives, never really getting down underneath and knowing what's going on in their children's hearts. And many, many times, these phantom fathers are that way because they grew up with a phantom father of their own, and they never knew anything else. Children of these passive fathers grow up feeling a sense of abandonment, and often they launch out into a search for significance because they haven't found the assurance that they really matter at home. And this kind of thing leaves scars, dear ones, and wounds that don't heal very easily or quickly. Now, as I studied David in Absalom, the first thing that jumped out at me was that David largely was an absentee father when it came to Absalom. Now, he was born, as you recall, back in 2 Samuel. You can read about this, 14 through 19. Absalom was born in David's climbing years, when he was building his kingdom, when he was being successful in defeating other armies and taking other territories. He was out there making decisions from dawn to dusk, causing the kingdom to advance. But there's no record in Scripture that David did any of the second half of Ephesians 6 for the training and instruction in the ways of the Lord. In fact, he went for long periods when he had no contact whatsoever with Absalom. There's a record in 2 Samuel 15 of David going for three years without even talking to Absalom, who had moved to another city out of fear. David didn't even contact him. And when after three years of being distant, Absalom pleaded for a hearing with his dad, he finally relented and said, Well, you can come and see me. And when he got to the palace, David said, You know, I'm not ready yet. I've prepared some quarters for you. Go wait over there for me to call you. You know how long Absalom waited in those quarters? Not a week or a month, two years. Absalom thought, you know, I knew it hadn't changed. He still hates me. And the result of that thing was that Absalom felt so undervalued and unappreciated and unimportant that it translated into a deep anger in his spirit. So much so that when Joab, David's right-hand man, sort of danced around Absalom's request to see his dad, Absalom was so ticked off, he went out and hired two men to burn Joab's fields to the ground. Basically to say, if you don't do something, I'm going to kill somebody. And so Joab arranged for a meeting with Absalom and David. And 2 Samuel, the end of chapter 14, records that after five years of separation, absenteeism, Joab connected David and Absalom together. And the Bible says that Absalom bowed down and David kissed his son. And dear ones, do you know, by that time it was so late, it was too late, because one meeting wasn't enough to heal the hurt. And chapter 15, verse 1 says that at that point, Absalom launched off in a crusade to bring David down. Now I want to stop right here and say, dads, listen to this please. I believe that David and Absalom represent maybe the extreme of absentee fathering, but listen, I see a disturbing amount of fandom fathering going on. Dads and children who are externally connected, but in the heart level, there's nothing happening. Emotionally, it just doesn't take place. Fifteen-year-old boy was sent to talk to me about some difficulty he was having in school, and trouble with authorities, and I could tell he was real closed down, he was like this, you know. And I said, well, after a while, I got to the point, I said, well, what does your father say about all this? And he said, my dad. He kind of looked and he smirked and he said, my dad, we don't talk about anything. All he does is yell at me. He doesn't know what's going on at all. And right there, you see, I saw the root of the problem. It was being acted out in another form, but that was the problem. You see, the results of this kind of thing are everywhere. Young guys and gals looking somewhere for affirmation, and appreciation, and acceptance, and understanding. And listen, fathers, if our little girls don't find it with their dads, where do they go to look for it? They go to other men, don't they? And if little boys don't find it with their dads, where do they go to look for it? Or they go out with their peer groups and they find kids who believe the same stuff they do, or get into rock music or whatever, and worst cases, they get into gangs. And all they're really doing is saying, am I important? Am I significant? Dads, let me say it directly, you can be a phenomenal father. You can be the bearer of a great contribution to your kids' lives, but you got to start by determining today that you're going to be there for your kids. And I know how difficult that is. I know the press of demands. Listen, I know where you live because I have the same things in my life. Everyone wants a piece of my life too. Everyone wants a little bit more from me. I never make everyone happy. I could always do more. Just a sad commentary when I hear people saying, it's when I retire that I'll finally have time for my kids. Dads, if you brought these kids into the world, and whether or not you plan to, you did. If you brought them into the world, then you need to be there for them. And I want to say to the married couples who haven't had kids, if you're not prepared to be there for your kids, you better think long and hard about whether or not you should bring them into the world. Learn to be there for them. I mean, when you're in the room with them, when you have the time at home, be there. Put the TV aside. Get rid of the newspapers and the magazines and the stuff and be there with your kids. Listen to them. Ask them questions. Show them that you care. Remember a couple of years ago, I just gave you three little words that you can... ways to show affirmation. A look, a word, and a touch of love. Phenomenal impact. Just be there, dads. And keep after it. You know, you'll find from time to time the kids don't respond. And you'll say, this is silly, it's not working. I told Jay. And you know what I found? There are times when kids kind of, you know, they retreat a little bit and they don't respond. But if you keep after it, you break through into another level. There were times, and I promised I wouldn't mention this. There were times when one of my kids just never came out of their room, it seems. You know? Went up there and, well, the door was closed and the phone light was on. And that happened for long times, you know? Karen said, well, maybe this is it. You know, they're gone. It was just a season. It was just a cycle. Went on for a few months. You got to hang in there, dads. You got to keep believing in that. And if you find it difficult to be involved, to talk to your kids, to give love, to talk about spiritual things, dads, I want to say it. Don't be a wimp. Don't just, you know, hang back and figure it all work out. Get up out of your chair and get involved in the process. Walk 100 feet to the bookstore and buy some books. It'll help you understand some of these things, how you can break through. There's a group of men that meet at 6 AM here for prayer on Monday mornings. You can join them. Other dads praying for their families and for their kids. You can get a little group going. John Size would be happy to receive you on Monday night in his ministry to help you process. And if you need counseling, we have counselors to help you through it. You got to do it, dads. The second thing that you can do to be a phenomenal father is to be courageous and not cowardly. You know, in the story of David and Absalom, this flaw was first exhibited when Tamar, Absalom's sister, was raped by Amnon. You know, it's a lurid story. If you're not familiar with the Bible, read 2 Samuel 13 and 14 and see just how explicitly they describe this whole incident. I mean, the lust of Amnon to ravage Tamar. When Absalom discovered this, he was enraged and he wanted to execute justice immediately on Amnon. But he said, no, I'll let David take care of it. And so David received the report. And do you know what happened? You know what David did about this rape, this violation of Absalom's sister? You know what he did? Nothing. The Bible says he just, he got angry and he reached out and he kind of consoled Tamar. But he did nothing to bring the perpetrator to justice. And this further infuriated Absalom. You see, now not only does he have an absentee father, but he has a coward for a father. Someone who won't act in the face of an important decision. Lay down the law and do what's necessary. Wasn't long until Absalom took matters into his own hands and he executed Amnon for his crime and then fled the scene where he hid away for three years, as I described earlier. Five years then after the crime, he had this brief meeting with David and then he set about to show David just how angry he was, just how exasperated he was by what David had not done. And he walked out to the gates of the city. And if you all know Old Testament history, there were walls around the cities and Jerusalem was one of them. And at the walls were these enormous stone openings, arches and gates. And it was there that business was conducted and the law was administrated. And Absalom stood there as people walked in and out of the city. And he said to them, you deserve better leadership. You deserve better justice. Follow me and I'll take you into a path of prosperity. No one is representing your needs in the government. And for four years, he just stood at those gates and tore down his dad's authority. Four years. You know what? David walked through those gates many times. You know what David said to Absalom about it? You know what he said to him when he heard what he was doing? Nothing. He didn't have the courage to confront Absalom in his rebellion. He just let it go on. And on and on and on it went until finally, Absalom found a following who then overthrew David. Dads, listen to me. It takes courage and love. The editor of USA Today says this writing to fathers. Here's his best wisdom. He says, kids, listen to a little guidance. Then go for it your own way because chances are you know what's best for you anyhow. This week, in our own North Hills News record, this last Thursday, it says, don't spank children area doctors say. Now I love doctors. We have doctors in this service. By the way, the doctors in Ohio said you should, but the ones in Pennsylvania said you shouldn't. That's part of the argument. Don't spank your kids. You know, it says it could lead to long-term psychological problems. It takes a lot of courage once in a while, dads, to draw the lines. The Bible says, if we could put up Proverbs, please. He who spares the rod, say it, hates his son. But he who loves him is careful to discipline him. Careful. In other words, not just reactionary, but careful, thoughtful in his discipline. Another proverb says, discipline your son for in that there is hope. Do not be a willing party to his death. In other words, if you don't discipline your son or daughter, you are contributing to their rebellion. You're leading them, you're letting them go down a path that may indeed involve their spiritual death. And I know, listen, your kids will scream and they'll kick and they'll say, oh, don't do this. I won't like you anymore. You can't do it. It's his fault. And you sit there and you go through all this stuff. And dear ones, in the end, if you discipline and love, in the end, your kids will thank you for it. They'll love you for it. They'll appreciate the fact that you love them enough to take the rejection and draw the lines for them. They'll thank you for having the guts to define what's right and wrong and to enforce it. Dads, listen, please don't try to improve upon the Bible's wisdom here. Far too many of us are sort of buying into this pop psychology of reasoning. You don't reason with a two or three-year-old. I mean, when I go into malls and see kids like throwing a tantrum in front of everyone because of the fact that they didn't get to sit in the cart, I mean, I say, what kind of, you know, parents discipline your kids? Sure there's going to be a time when you can sit down and they're a little older, face to face, dialogue with them and reason with them. But you need even then to draw lines and say, this is as far as it's going to go. I'm not going to let it go any further. I wonder what might have happened if David had done that with Absalom. If he'd had the courage to say to Absalom at the gate, Absalom, I love you too much to let you export your bitterness throughout this city and I'm not going to let you ruin your life and mine too. And we're going to work this out. We're going to get through this right here and now. Bible says that Absalom was a tremendous person. He might have become a world beater if David had the courage to discipline him along the way. And that's the key. You see, the key is, is that discipline for the child's benefit or just for your own frustration venting when they know it's for their benefit? They respond. You know, I thank God for my own dad. From time to time. I mean, I needed some discipline. I know that's a shock. I had a little bit of a rebellious and I know that that disappoints some of you. You can take my picture out of your wallet and stuff, but I understand. But there were times when my dad just said, hey, this isn't going to happen. One incident I remember clearly, I don't know, I was nine or 10 years old and I was with a little group of my friends and we were up hiding behind some bushes along the road and it was more of a rural type of area and cars would go by and we threw this, I think it was either Play-Doh or it wasn't a rock, but it was something hard enough to make a sound when it hit the car. And we would whack these on the cars and every once in a while we'd hit one. Well, one car we hit on the side door and it really made a boom sound and this guy slammed his brakes on and we were, you know, talking about scared, we were just our eyes open and he was a big guy. Got out of his car, just stopped the car right in the middle of the road and ran up and he grabbed me and two of my friends. One of them got away or two got away, but he had me like this and he said, okay, kid, is it the police or your father? The police, you know, take me to the police. Dad, you got to have the guts, the courage to balance your nurture and tenderness with discipline, to balance your tough love alongside of your tender love. It takes both to raise a kid to love the Lord. And dad, you can do it and it's important that you do it at an early age. Number three, the third thing and quickly that I learned by studying David in Absalom is that you need to be an honest dad and not a hypocritical one. You see, David was an incredible man of God, no doubt, a champion of the faith, a servant of the Lord, but how many of you know he also messed up big time? David committed the most grievous sins imaginable, murder and adultery in terms of compromising his spirituality. And so you see, Absalom witnessed this human side of David, this frail side, this dark side of him, along with seeing him stand up publicly and leading the people. And that up close and personal look that Absalom had wasn't a pleasant one. I mean, he saw David, the public figure, standing up and leading the people and inspiring them. And he heard David say to the people, let's build a kinder and gentler Jerusalem. Well, at the same time, he waited for two years in this little room for his dad just to come and talk to him. He must have thought, come on, dad, let's build a kinder and gentler relationship here first before we try to fix the city. Hypocrisy, hypocrisy, saying one thing and doing another. And this raised Absalom's anger to such an incredible level that when he finally did complete the coup that he'd started at the city gates and drove David out of town, at the counsel of David's number one advisor, Ophithephile, got to get that quick, Absalom took David's remaining wives and concubines, put a tent up on top of the palace, and to the knowledge of the whole city, went up there and had public sex to show them that he ruled his father. How angry does a person have to be? It began with his absenteeism, his phantom fathering. It was fueled by his cowardliness. And by the way, I secretly suspect that David's inability to be courageous was largely rooted in the fact that he knew that Absalom knew his moral failure. And dad, you know, you know, don't you? That it's difficult to be tough when the person that you're trying to discipline understands how you failed. And yet he still could have done it. But that anger was boiling over when he saw the spiritual hypocrisy in David. Remember, dear ones, all of this happened despite the fact that the Bible says very clearly that David loved Absalom. He loved him with all of his heart. In fact, the Bible records later on in 2 Samuel that when Absalom was killed not too long after this incident, that David cried out for Absalom and longed for his heart. And here's what he said, these familiar verses that later became very familiar to us. He said, Oh, my son, Absalom, my son, my son, Absalom. If only I had died in your stead, Absalom, my son, my son. Dads, if you make a mistake, if you fall short, and you will, and we do, have the courage just to go to your kids and say so, honey, I'm sorry, I was wrong. Would you forgive me? Those words, Gary Smalley says, will take a closed spirit and open them up again. Kids will be gracious and forgiving. They just can't stand hypocrisy. So dads, what does it mean to love your kids? You need to be available, you need to be courageous, and you need to be honest. And I have to say, you know, it's, thinking about this, Absalom could have done some things differently. You know, he was responsible for fueling some of this himself. He could have found a way to deal with his anger and rebellion. He could have talked it through with someone. I want to encourage you, if you're here today, and I know that some of you are, I can see it in your eyes. I know that some of you are already, you're very uncomfortable here, because you know this anger I'm talking about, you have it right now. You feel this way. You might be in your 30s or 40s or 50s, and your father was not there for you. And he wasn't what you needed him to be. And you're still latently angry about it, and it still influences the decisions of your life. Can I say to you, be a person of courage enough to find some help. Or you'll repeat the same thing. And tragically perpetuate the failure. Come on Monday night and allow these people, the generations, to help you work through this or do some of the other things I suggested. Now all I had time to talk about this morning was the first half of the verse. Don't exasperate your kids. The second half I can't even get into about the training and admonition of the Lord. Maybe I can do that another time. Dads, it's not easy to be a good dad, let alone a phenomenal one. Can I say to single dads today, you know there's 1.8 million dads who are heads of households in America. You're thinking, you know, Jay, this is easier when you've got someone there to help you, and it sure is. But single dads, listen. The Lord promises you, if you do what you can, He says, I'll be a father to the fatherless. Psalm 68 5. When you can't be there, I will be there. And I'll fill up what's been lacking. Kids want a dad. They want a dad. What they need is a dad who loves them by being available and courageous and honest. And I want to say just in conclusion, dads, if you can grow in these qualities just a little bit, you're going to go a long way to providing a foundation for your kids to live a life of blessing in God. And let me just say publicly, there's no greater thing that a man can say that he accomplished than to raise kids who love God and their fellow men. Amen. Let's stand for prayer, shall we?