The Company You Keep VII, How to Give Comforting Love

We're hoping John might be able to sing by Easter time, too. He doesn't know. Okay. All right, take your outlines out, please, and let's look together. And the text for this morning is one that I'm not going to really exegete, but it's so appropriate and so powerful. I did want to have us read it together, please. It's 2 Corinthians, chapter 1, verses 3 through 7. I did put it on the overhead so we can all read it together and declare it. If you have an NIV, you can read along in your own Bible. Are we ready? 2 Corinthians, chapter 1, verses 3 through 7. Let's declare the Word of God together. Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion, and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation. If we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. Last Saturday, our family dog and my personal companion for the last eleven and a half years had a physical meltdown. She had been outside for a couple of hours, snooping around, and normally comes home in fifteen or twenty minutes. After two hours, Carol went to look for her and found her just sort of sitting in the side yard, not able to get up and walk, barely able to move around very much. So she called me at the office. I ran over. The family picked her up, put her in the car, and took her to our vet. He looked at Morgan, diagnosed her, and we anxiously awaited his evaluation. He came out and said, ìWell, you want the truth?î I said, ìI donít think so.î He said, ìWell, of course.î He said, ìWell, I think your dogís having a cardiac crisis. Sheís about that age, you know. Her heartís enlarged, itís not pumping blood the way it should, therefore oxygen is not getting to her vital organs, and sheís probably going to die. Thirty percent of all golden retrievers do die of this particular ailment.î We were all stunned, and the tears flowed, and we said our goodbyes to Morgan and committed her to the vet to see if he could do anything to improve her situation over the next couple of days. In the next hours on that Saturday afternoon, I shared with a number of friends and neighbors and people here around the church and at home, and therein clearly identified and experienced the difficulty that many people have in communicating concern and care and comfort in times of loss. And obviously the more tragic the loss, the more difficult the process of communicating that care. Difficult situations come my way all the time. Maybe youíve heard things like these. Someone calls and says, ìOur neighborís son was just arrested for distributing drugs, and it looks really bad for him. Theyíve called for help. What should I say to them?î ìMy grandfather just passed away. Everyone in the family is going to be descending down here in a couple of hours. What should I say to them? What can I do?î ìJay, I just had a call. Someone in the home group is delivering their first child, but the doctor says that sheís stillborn. What should I say?î Maybe you read the article in the paper this week or heard in the news of this young boy in Fox Chapel. A championship swimmer died suddenly for no reason in his sleep. Our condolences to the family. But what would you say to them if they called you? You see, we have to have some idea of what to say, how to minister comfort. Because when we walk into that living room or that hospital room or that bedroom where someone is lying or sitting with a broken heart, itís a terrific opportunity for the Holy Spirit to work through you or itís a time when you can just be awkward and uncomfortable and hope that it passes without incident. And I want to submit to you that the church, the people of God have said that all people should be equipped to give comfort in situations where comfort is needed. Now, my approach in the message this morning is to kind of walk through the conventional sort of characteristics of comfort giving and then contrast those with what I think the biblical pattern would be, what Scripture teaches. Here are the five cardinal principles of ineffective comfort giving and donít write them down. Theyíre not on your outline. I donít want you to remember them. Iím just going to highlight them. Hereís what they are. First one is minimize the damage. You know, pull the grieving person together, buck up and move on. Second one, fix the problem. Replace the loss as soon as possible. Third, give a nugget or two of eternal wisdom so theyíll think, ìWow.î Number four, demonstrate your care and then get on with it. Hit and run. And number five, trust that time will heal. Time will heal. Now, letís look at each of these and see just what we might do differently to help someone in time of trouble. Whereas the normal approach at the moment of grieving is to come alongside the bereaved who might be weeping and sobbing and kind of just sort of say, ìWell, wait. Just, you know, pull it together a little bit. Hereís some Kleenex. You know, take a break. Pull yourself together.î I want to submit to you the true comfort giving says to a person in grief, ìGrieve freely.î Number one on your outline, ìGrieve freely.î Go ahead and just let the faucets go if need be. You can weep as much as you need to and grieve as deeply as you need to. And in fact, Iím here not for me. Iím here for you. And I just want you to know that itís not going to embarrass me and itís not going to offend me if you just sob and slobber and weep and even wail. I give you a blanket permission to grieve and to mourn because I know that youíve lost something precious. And in so doing, itís important that you get down and touch that inner well of grief thatís springing up. And if it takes five minutes or five hours or five weeks, you just go ahead and do it. And if it comes in one big shot or if it comes in multiple ways, it doesnít matter. Iíll be with you. And in fact, Iíll not just tolerate it. Iíll honor it because itís part of the grieving process that will lead to healing. Now, of course, it takes a little discernment in those moments to make sure that this is an appropriate response. I mean, you have to make sure the loss is significant. I mean, if itís, you know, well, the Kmartís closing or something like that, you know, ER is a rerun this week. Well, thatís not, but Iím talking about serious loss, you know, tragic kinds of things. You know, when Jesus arrived at the scene of his friend Lazarus who had died, he didnít find a neat little everyone under control situation. Look at your outline. When Jesus saw her weeping and the Jews who had come along with her, what, also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. And then the shortest verse in the Bible, circle it, would you please? ìJesus wept.î ìJesus wept.î ìJesus wept.î Iím so glad those words are in there, arenít you? And the Son of God, listen, does it strike you interesting that the Son of God knew what he was about to do? He knew that Lazarus was going to come back. Nonetheless, he allowed the grieving process to go on. Interesting, isnít it? Why do you think he did that? Somehow in my spirit I believe itís because Jesus was in that moment identifying with all of us who will go through grief-filled moments, and he wanted us to know that he feels the pain that we feel at those times of loss that weíll all encounter. Nobody comes up alongside Jesus and says, ìWhy are you crying? Get a hold of yourself there, big guy.î If they had, Jesus would likely have said to them, ìWait a minute, Colossians 3 verse 4 says thereís a time to laugh and a time to cry, and itís crying time now.î So the next time youíre called to give comforting love to someone whoís brokenhearted, you show your love best by giving them permission to go ahead and just grieve freely. Weeping, you see, is the language of the soul, and itís very important to the person whoís facing loss that they give opportunity for their soul to express itself. And in fact, sometimes, dear ones, itís our best ministry to help draw grief out of people, because if they push it down, they canít be healed. Second thing, donít waste your sorrows. I borrowed that from a book by that title by Paul Billheimer, ìDonít Waste Your Sorrows.î Wortley Wisdom says, ìIf you lose something, replace it quickly. Youíll feel better.î Your best friendís engagement breaks off and you want to relieve his pain, so you say, ìHey, cheer up. There are a lot of other fish in the sea. I know five chicks that will go out with you next weekend.î Well, he hasnít really dealt with those emotions yet. A friend has a miscarriage. You say, ìWell, youíre young. Youíve got lots of biological kicks left in the old claw. Count your blessings. The baby was probably damaged anyhow.î Youíre thinking the only real blessing is that youíll be leaving me in a few minutes. Well-intended friends, you see, quickly try to help by fixing the problem, replacing the loss. On last Saturday afternoon, I had several friends, and I know they were well-intended. Several friends told me, ìHey, we can get you another dog tomorrow.î But you see, fixing the loss immediately is not Godís way. In the Old Testament, painful losses were grief for a long period of time. Many times it would go on for weeks. When Jacob passed on, itís interesting in the Scriptures that the Bible says that in Egypt he was mourned for 70 days. In Egypt. And then, Genesis 50, verse 10 says that Joseph asked Pharaoh if he could take his father back to the Promised Land and mourn some more. He said, ìFine.î So when they reached the threshing floor of Aitad near the Jordan, they lamented loudly and bitterly, and there Joseph observed a seven-day period of mourning for his father. Seventy-seven days of mourning. You see, sorrowing disciplines in the Old Testament were common. Dark clothes and foods to be eaten or avoided. Special places of meditation and review and contemplation where losses could be processed and people could get a hold of what was supposed to have been learned through those times of loss and pain. So what does this mean to us? Simply this. Donít move prematurely past your loss. Donít replace it too quickly. Donít gloss your loss. But let it do its work in your life. Let God teach you something about yourself and about Him in the midst of it. Learn from it. Some of lifeís deepest lessons are learned from our deepest pains and sorrows. Donít run to get your pain fixed, but pause long enough to hear God in the midst of it, what He may want to be teaching you. Interestingly, when we look in the Scriptures, we need look no farther than Jesusí life to see what can be learned. Jesus was acquainted with our grief and suffering. He lost much. He lost friends. He lost John the Baptist, Lazarus. He lost family. Of course, he lost any sense of his own worth in the sense of people demeaning him on the cross and so on. Jesus was acquainted with grief, and yet the Bible says, look at on your outline, Hebrews 5 verse 8, that though He was Godís Son, He learned trusting obedience. Circle that word, trusting obedience. Itís an interesting phrase, by what He suffered just as we do. God wants to teach us something in the midst of your suffering, loved one. We donít always understand it. We donít know why itís there, but God wants to do it. This week, Iíve been fighting a bug of some kind. I know some of you commented to me earlier you had the same thing. Someone warned me, ìIt lasts about 30 days.î What kind of bug is that? Itís been a pretty rough one for me to get rid of. I woke up this morning. When you get up out of bed and you shake a little bit, you want to get right back into bed. Youíre literally just feeling these waves of fever. Itís really a tough fight. Then you look out and it looks like youíre in Nome, Alaska. Iím thinking, ìGod, do I need this right now? What are you trying to teach me?î You know what the Lord said to me this morning, because I just didnít feel adequate. In fact, I was close to calling Pastor Dave and saying, ìI just canít pull this off today.î The Lord said, ìJust know this, that when youíre weak, Iíll be strong.î The Lord has proven that today to me. Learn in the midst of your loss, whatever it is, the lessons that God wants to teach you. Be advised, dear ones, that many times God speaks most profoundly in our pain. This is a brief excerpt from the book, ìDonít Waste Your Sorrows,î which I recommend to you. You see, itís not just about what we learn here. Many excellent writers justify suffering on the basis of its value in time and the contribution it makes to character and the kingdom in the here and now. J. R. Miller expressed it this way in one of his books, ìWe do not know how much we owe to suffering. Many of the richest blessings that have come down to us from the past are the fruit of sorrow and pain. The worldís greatest blessings,î he writes, ìhave come out of its greatest sorrows.î Goethe is reported to have said, ìI have never had an affliction which did not turn into a poem.î And itís probable that the best music and poetry in all literature had a like origin. It has been said that poets learn in suffering what they write in song. Nothing really worthwhile comes without pain and cost. Another has said that sorrow has come to stretch out spaces in the heart for joy to abide. These are beautiful thoughts, and it is true that even here and now sorrow has its compensations. Many of these may be realized before the close of lifeís day. The discipline of sorrow pays rich dividends in the present, but those rewards are as the tip of an iceberg to the concealed portion when compared to the glory that shall be revealed. The primary purpose of sanctified affliction will not become apparent till afterward when the bride is on the throne.î Someone can say ìAmen.î Look at 2 Corinthians 4.17 on the bottom of your page. ìFor our light and momentary affliction or troubles are achieving for us an eternal,î underline the word ìeternal,î ìglory that far outweighs them.î How many are glad that in the end God will make sense of all the things you didnít understand? Heíll put together all the pieces that seem to be jangling loose about your pain and your loss and your suffering, and Heíll work it for good, and youíll enjoy the fruit of it for all of eternity. Thatís the blessing of serving an infinitely sovereign God. In todayís culture, the prevailing thought is fix the loss right away and move on. Divorces arenít even final. People are out buying their next marriage license, but lessons arenít learned, faults arenít faced, forgiveness isnít given, grace isnít experienced, and people go on just to repeat the same mistake because they wonít do life in Godís way. So the next time you encounter a close friend whoís gone through a difficult loss, as counterintuitive as it may seem, encourage them just to stand for a few moments longer in the stream of that loss and let the pain do its work and help them know how God will walk through it with them. Third thing that Iíve discovered that I want to share with you about giving comfort is learn to give simple truths. You know, thereís such a strong temptation in moments of loss to come up with something profound, isnít there? We want to be the person thatís going to say that just exact one perfect thing that the personís going to come back and say five years later, ìYou just turned it all around for me.î And you know when you think about it, itís just selfishness. We just want to feel good about what we said more than anything else. And people have the strangest way of saying things sometimes in those moments. People said to me last Saturday, ìHey, Morgan will be better off. Sheís going to doggy heaven.î Is there a doggy heaven? What do you think? I know one thing, thereís no cat heaven. No, no cat heaven. No. Theyíve taken over the earth. A person said to me, ìWell, God must have wanted Morgan more than you wanted her. She had a full life. You canít ask for more than that.î And the person said, ìYouíre lucky. My dog died when he was eight years old.î And you want to say to those people, ìThanks, but youíre not really helping me here.î Iím still feeling this pain just a little bit. People in pain, you see, have a very difficult time receiving. Their truth receptors are kind of clogged in those moments. Theyíre not really ready for your profundities. I want to just share with you five simple truths that I learned from author and pastor Bill Heibel some time ago. Theyíve really worked for me. Theyíve really helped me. And I want to share them with you, five little phrases that you can use in moments of encounter. And I think that youíll be helped with these. The first thing that I say, after twenty years of ministry and reading a lot of books and being in a lot of counseling, the first thing I say to someone whoís facing a significant loss is simply this, ìIím so sorry. I am really sorry. I am really sorry.î When I walk into a room of people with freshly wounded souls and they look at me, the only words that I feel are really honest are these, ìIím just so sorry.î And so thatís what I say. And you know what? When I face loss, when Iím going through things, and I do, and someone comes to me and that comes out of their mouth, you know what? Thatís enough for me. It feels right to me when they say it back to me. Second thing I say is, ìYou know, I donít know. I donít know why your daughter lost her marriage. I donít know why your grandfather lived eighty years but your father only lived forty. I donít know why the drunk driver hit your car and not someone elseís. I donít know why God doesnít step in and stop some of this stuff on the earth. I donít know.î And can I say the funeral home is not a place to try to figure out the great issues of goodness and evil and the sovereignty of God and free will. I just say to people, ìYou know, we can talk about that at another time. Right now, I just donít know. I donít have an answer for you.î But I can tell you this, God, number three, cares for you. God cares for you. And Heís not going to leave you in the midst of this. Hebrews 13, 5b says that Heíll never fail you or forsake you. I want you to know that God will be right with you throughout this whole process. Heíll be right there. And the fourth thing I say at some point is, ìWell, what can I do to help? Can I help you somehow? Can I crawl up underneath your load, according to Galatians 6, 2, and bear some of your burden and give you some support?î And then I make some suggestions, and Iíll say, ìDo you need some transportation things taken care of? Is there someone I can meet for you at the airport or whatever? Can I make some phone calls or arrangements? Do you have some financial needs? What do you need? I would be honored to serve you, to unload some of this burden for you right now, if I can help you.î And the last thing I say, and I try to say this right to their face, I like to look them in the eye and say, ìYou know what? I just want you to know that I love you.î And sometime an unexpected loss creates a vacuum that only love can fill. And though other family members and friends may affirm that, itís just good to hear it from your lips as well. Say it in a way that you know registers in their spirit. It makes a big difference. I wanted at this moment in the message to have you hear, in her own words, how some people helped and others maybe didnít help as much in the grieving process. And I want to introduce to you a very wonderful and courageous young woman who last summer very unexpectedly lost her husband, who was, I learned in the first service, only 42 years old at the time. And he came as a great shock to all of us in the church, but of course most especially to Mary Lynn, who now is raising her five children while she holds down a full time job. And just an incredible person with a wonderful spirit. And I asked her, does she feel ready to share a little bit about this, only seven or so months since the incident, and she said that she was. So would you please welcome Mary Lynn Smith. Mary Lynn, come on up please. Hello again. When Jay first said he was going to talk about this the weekend after the Sunday he talked about Valentineís Day, I had jokingly talked to a lot of people and said, I wonít be there. I said, after listening to Jayís sermon about Valentineís Day and appreciating your spouse, I just felt that two weeks in a row getting beat up was just too much. So interestingly enough, circumstances caused it to be delayed. And during that time, I kept getting this call Jay, call Jay, call Jay. I kept saying no, no. Then circumstances, we kind of got together and said, yeah, I needed to do that. I was being prompted to share some things because I knew what it was like. The first thing I can tell you is that grief is very personal, but itís also very community driven because lives, my husbandís life, Jeffís life, impacted many people here. And we are called as a community to support each other. And itís very important that we understand what you need to do or donít need to do. In those early days, in fact the first couple of days, at the funeral home, people stood in line for hours and hours. And Iíll be honest with you, I donít think I remember a word. What I do remember is I went home that night with such a sense of peace and love that I knew that this walk that I was going to have to take, I did not have to face alone. That there were people out there who loved me, that there was a God out there who loved me. I used to avoid funeral homes and I now vow that if itís someone that I know, I will go because whether you say the right thing or the wrong thing, that sense of love that you partake or you share is just incredible and itís incredibly healing. Jay asked me what are some of the things that were difficult for me. And I try not to dwell on those, I guess, because I can only come up with a couple of things. The first being when Jeff died, my children were barely two, one and three months old. So as the years, as the months have passed and the kids are growing, I found it very disconcerting that people were afraid to tell me how the kids looked or acted like their father. Iím very grateful for my life with Jeff and it was very important for me that my children know because my kids will not really know their father personally, so theyíll only know by the community sharing. So when people would say, Iíd say, ìWell, this oneís growing up to look just like their dad.î And theyíd say, ìOh, weíre so glad you could say that.î Well, you can say that. Itís okay. The other things that I thought was hard was one of the things Jay touched on. People would say to me, ìIím so angry.î And, ìWhy would God leave you with these children?î Well, we all struggle with that ourselves in the family and itís difficult to try to come up with an answer for you to say. And I donít know. I donít have the answers. All I know is that I have my trust in the Lord. The other thing that I found was difficult was people would look at me and say, ìI really thought I had it bad, and then I thought about you.î Somehow thatís not real comforting. Somehow, you know, I mean, this is not the greatest circumstances to be in, but weíre okay. We have each other. We have our love. We have the Lord. And weíre doing okay. Weíre doing fine. Some of the things that people did that were very touching to me that I wanted to share were the day of the funeral, my husband was very involved with Priority 2. And a gentleman came up at the funeral and said, ìYou donít know me, but your husband has been working with me for weeks at Priority 2 and has made all the world a difference in my life.î That meant a lot to me, to know that Jeffís life was not wasted, that Godís love was being shared, that lives were being impacted. People thatóa friend of mine showed up one Sunday, and instead of trying to do my dishes, do the laundry, do this, said, ìLetís talk.î And we laughed about things that Jeff and we had all done. We cried. But we just shared, and we didnít have to just be doing. As time has progressed, it has been nice to see the people who have stuck by me. When our anniversary came up in October, a friend of mine shared a card with me and said, ìI know this has to be a difficult time. I know youíre thinking about this would have been my fourth anniversary and that youíre alone.î And it was nice to know somebody cared, somebody else remembered the day. On Valentineís Day, after Jayís message, I drove home from work with my wagon full of kids and pulled up and there were flowers in my mailbox from someone here. They said, ìI just knew you were touched by Jayís message and you knew it would be a difficult time, and I just wanted you to know somebody else out there loves you.î So one of the other things I want to impart to you, in the very early days when we were all questioning, a friend of mineís husband said, ìThe only way I can make sense of this is that God gives us these circumstances so that weíre allowed to show His love. Heís really testing us to show His love.î And thatís something that we all need to know that. I believe thatís really true. We donít know the whole picture, but it is an opportunity that God gives us, and I tell you, itís not one to pass by. But I want to thank all of you for all the support, because I do feel like the children and I are doing very well because of all the love we have received here. Marilyn touched on this next point. Itís not just as conventional comfort givers would. Enough to come in and do your thing and get out. You know, the hit and run sort of, ìWell, Iíve got to pay my respects or send my card or send my flowers or express my sympathy.î The rather comfort giving that God would honor would be that which is spread out over a period of time. Biblical comfort givers recognize the value of staying power. They spread out their care. They come back not just after a few days, but after a few weeks. They see that those needs are going to continue to be there for a while. In fact, I would tell you without any reservation that the most difficult time in the grieving process is at least several weeks into it. Unfortunately, by that time, most of the support is already gone. I would just encourage you, tell the person, ìIím going to be with you as long as it takes for you to get back on your feet. Count on me for the long pool, not just for that short little hit that might be there when things first happen.î And number five, what about the thought that time alone heals? You see, we are so likely to believe that line of thinking. Conventional comfort givers bump into someone thatís been through a loss at the grocery store they see them, or the mall, or the parking lot. They think that somehow, magically, just by turning the pages of the calendar, that that person who went through that very difficult situation is probably over it. So they say to them in the parking lot or whatever, ìHow are you doing now? You sure do look better. Timeís passed and I know things have smoothed out a little bit. It was rough for you at first, but now I can see that youíre doing a lot better. So whatís new and exciting in your life?î And folks, that kind of sort of presumption that timeís done a job on somebody is false. True comfort givers never assume that time in and of itself heals anything. In fact, deep searing loss will most likely leave a permanent mark on the soul of that human being, a permanent mark. Itís interesting that when Jesus was resurrected in John chapter 20, he told Thomas, ìHey, look at my hands and look at my side.î And there was still a mark there indicating that he was bearing something of the loss that he had sustained. Tragic loss of the profound kind creates such a change in life that the person may never know normal again. And thatís hard to think about. They enter into a new phase of life that is somehow different than before. Not necessarily worse, just different. And comfort givers are aware of that and seek to build on the loss to the new things that God may have for a person in the next phase of their life. True comfort givers nudge brokenhearted people toward God and his grace and his undying love. And in the final analysis, you see dear ones, the only one that can really heal a broken heart is the Lord. Thatís number five. The Lord heals in his way. Itís the Lord that does the healing, not time. Holy love as the song recounted for us, sweeps over our lives and creates an environment where we can receive healing and be restored. He alone can do that for us. You know, in a church like this one, and folks, this is a long-haul congregation. We have, many of us, deep loving friendships that are more than 15 years old. And some of us who are newer on board are already realizing that this is going to be my church for a long time. And youíre building relationships. And itís inevitable, if weíre here for a long period of time, that we are going to stay together through times of sorrow. And weíre going to encounter them together and weíre going to face them together. And we need to be prepared to give comfort that will really matter. And so with that reality in mind, letís commit to nurturing our comfort-giving skills. Letís listen as Mary Lynn helped us to understand that we need always to extend ourselves a little bit extra at those times of loss. Letís affirm and develop the skill of transmitting the love of God in a tangible way to each other. And letís be there for each other, for those that we love and care about when sorrow strikes. By the way, did I tell you that Morgan came home? Yeah. It turns out the vet called us on Sunday and said, ìYou know what? Your dog got up and started eating again and walking around.î And I said, ìWell, did you do anything?î He said, ìI canít explain it. Can I come get her? Yeah, get her tomorrow. We brought her home.î And I got a little walking, retrieving resurrection on my hands. And a shedding one, too, I might point out. I donít know how long weíll have her, but God gave some grace to us at that point. Letís stand together.