The Company You Keep VI, Helpful Hints For The Romantically Challenged

As we look at Ephesians 5 for today's message, and I need to move right into this so that we're not over by much today. The text is Ephesians 5, 25 through 27, and Sue will help me here with the outline. Let me read it for you. You can read along from the overhead if you'd like. Husbands go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church, a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor since they're already one in marriage. Well, it may not be a surprise to you, but it was a surprise to me that I've already received a lot of feedback about this message, and that happened before this morning. I heard from one single guy who said to me, I'm going to another church this weekend. I don't even want to hear about it. I thought that was unfortunate. Now, the lady said, every woman in the church is pulling for you. We already know the rather lighthearted way that through the survey about some of the little details of romance, but I want you to know that in the next 30 minutes or so, I'm not going to bury the men under a load of guilt, and I'm also not going to compromise my own marriage. My wife and I had an agreement about that for today, because there are some things that are personal to us all, and struggles that we all have, and victories we all share. But we all know that romance diminishes after the wedding. It may not diminish much for some, but in many, many cases, it's shocking how quickly all those feelings seem to subside. And if you don't know that, you need to be prepared for it. If you happen to be engaged or dating someone seriously now, sometimes those feelings diminish down to almost nothing. Sometimes you wonder each day, why am I in this relationship? What am I doing here? Pretty soon that person you're with is no more than a roommate or a tax deduction, and it gets to be pretty serious pretty quickly. Now, I'm not going to spend much time today talking about the source of these problems, why romance disappears so quickly, but a few things that come to mind right away. I mean, for some of us, it's familiarity. It's like when you get a new car and it's great for the first few months, but pretty soon when you spill your first cup of coffee, well, you know, big deal, and there you go. Our relationships in marriage can be that way. We start to take the other one for granted, and pretty soon the familiarity sets in, and without working at it, son, it's just the same old thing. Another big pressure I see in a lot of lives is just physical exhaustion. I can't tell you how many people tell me just how tired they are, physically tired, after a long day and a full commitment schedule from 7 in the morning or 6 in the morning until 6 or 7 at night, raising children, I mean, a very exhausting expression in the parts of many moms who are at home, and so there's no energy left to put into the relationship. Another one is unresolved conflicts and hurts. Many people get stuck on something that maybe occurred before the marriage and doesn't really surface until 2, 3, 5 years into the marriage and they can't resolve it, or maybe something happened early in the marriage that doesn't get addressed and it springs its head up and causes great problems. There's a plague of unfulfilled expectations that I encounter in marriage relationships. Financial stress, people trying just to keep up, and that weighs, I mean, money tends to be a real barrier in communication in a lot of relationships. And let's be honest, I mean, kids, don't kids change your romantic life forever, as I think you heard some of our people say up here on the platform. But all these things can be overcome if we do a few things right. We can concentrate today on just the things we need to do right and not focus on what we're not doing right, and perhaps that will be enough. So I want to look first of all at the possibilities of what men can do right from a woman's point of view. And I know some of you are thinking, well, who are you to talk about a woman's point of view? Well, give me a chance. Let's talk just based on what I've read, some research I've done, women I've talked to over the years, my own marriage. Let me just give it a crack. And I want to begin by referencing a very popular love song that some of you may remember, it's not that old. Michael Bolton sang it about three years ago. It's a song, When a Man Loves a Woman. How many of you know that song? And Michael Bolton is a sweetheart of a lot of people from what I've seen him on television and so on. Here's how the song goes. I mean, he must have it right. Here's what he said. When a man loves a woman, he can't keep his mind on nothing else. Not even grammar, apparently. He'd trade the world for the good thing he has found. That's a pretty romantic statement, isn't it? I mean, he'd give the whole world for this woman that he's found. When a man loves a woman, he'd give up all his comforts and sleep out in the rain if she said that's the way it ought to be. Can we talk here? This is a little much. I mean, there's a plan B to this for some guys, I have to say. When a man loves a woman, I'd give you everything I got, yeah, trying to hold on to your precious love, baby. Don't treat me bad. I think she treated him bad when she told him to sleep out in the rain. What's a man going to do when he loves a woman? How should he express that love in a way that she'll receive it? Maybe more importantly, how does a woman want to be expressed to? I mean, if she had her dreathers, if she could wave her magic wand, how would she like to receive love? What would she say if she were true to her nature, her God-given nature, and honest with her spouse or her sweetheart? These are the ways I'd like to receive love, to be cared for by a man. Things that you could do that will strengthen the bond of our relationship and cause it to grow and to endure. Well, here's the first thing. The first thing is that she would desire to be in a relationship with a man who has learned to communicate on a deeply emotional level. That's number one. I mean, this is the number one complaint of the women that I see in counseling and people I talk to and things I read. Women just say, hey, look, my husband just flat doesn't communicate with me. He doesn't talk to me. He doesn't tell me what he feels about anything. He doesn't really engage me. And folks, this is huge. It is big. And I'm going to spend several minutes on it because it really defines the number one problem that we hear from women. I often hear them say, well, my husband's not attentive. He's not really understanding of what I'm going through. He's not emotionally engaged in anything that's important to me. I mean, they'll say things to me like he's present in the room, but he's not really there. All he really wants to talk about when it's time to talk is food, sex and sports. And those are short discussions as far as I'm concerned, they say. He's never tenderly affectionate or rarely so. First Peter 3.7 says, husbands, this is the Phillips translation, husbands, try to understand the wives you live with. You need to work a little bit in understanding them. And what I read about the nature of women and from wives I talk to and the young woman that I know, what the Bible says about the women and the way they're wired up is that they long to be treasured and engaged on a deeply emotional level in a relationship with their husband. That's why Ephesians 5 says it clearly, husbands, treasure your wives as Christ treasures the church. You see, emotionally involved men tend to touch the soul of their wives so deeply that it results in a stirring of the wives' feelings back toward them. It prompts a response of their affection and their commitment almost automatically. And this can go on and on and on throughout the entire relationship, no matter how long you're married. I recently learned of a woman who was just describing a Christmas experience that she had had. She and her husband married quite a while and it was the normal hectic Christmas hubbub, you know, running around. They had Christmas parties at the office. They had family get-togethers. They had a couple of church events. And it was so busy in their lives that they never had time for the two of them just to sit down and exchange their gifts. Christmas Day came and went. A couple of days later, the wife, she's telling a story, said, my husband and I had an evening together and we turned down the lights, we turned up the fire, sat there near the hearth and just the Christmas tree lights on. And all of a sudden, my husband pulled out from behind his back this little package. And I noticed, she said, as he pulled it out that his hand was trembling just a little bit. And then I could see by the firelight that he was misting up a little bit and choked back a tear or two. And he said, honey, I had so much fun shopping for this gift and I've been so looking forward for the time that I could give it to you because I just want you to know how very much you mean to me, how much I love you. And he put his arms around me and I found myself, she said, starting to cry a little bit. And there we are, two mature adults kind of sobbing a little bit in each other's arms because we mean so much to each other. And it's such a precious moment. As I heard that story, I thought, you know, that's really, in essence, a snapshot of what I believe almost every woman wants their relationship to be like. Deep soul communication, affection imparted one to another, not all the time, but at moments when they connect. But so much for the fantasy land some of you are thinking, let's get to the real world here. Well, let me ask the men a question. Men, can I have your attention for just a moment, just the men? How many of you men here today are capable of feeling those kinds of things that I just described and expressing them in a way that can be received by the woman that you love? Well, let me ask another question. How many of you men were raised in a rich, emotionally nurturing home? Or in other words, how many of you were taught growing up how to give expression to your feelings, how you could discuss what you were going through with your parents or your brothers or your sisters? How many of you were encouraged to talk through your fears and to admit your weaknesses openly? How many of you grew up in homes that placed a high value on listening and understanding and empathizing and sensitive conversations and frequent expressions of affection? How many men grew up in a home like that? I venture to say, if we took a poll, 10% or less. You see the problem? What's the problem here? The problem is that what most women yearn for the most, most men are totally inexperienced or completely incapable of giving back to them because they don't have any frame of reference. They've never learned how, and it is not natural to them to do so, and that's a problem. Men are raised to be competitors and achievers and overcomers, to be providers, not listeners and empathizers and sensitive conversationalists. How many times have I heard grandparents say, Johnny, you're such a good listener, you're so sensitive. No, I hear them say, way to hit the ball, big guy, you know, and all those kinds of macho things. See, the truth is, some of us men have our suspicions about men who travel too often in the soft lanes. We're not quite sure about them, are we? So many of us men end up in a relationship with wives who long for something that we're almost incapable of giving to them at this point in our lives. And this leaves many, many women very sad and lonely, oftentimes hurt, sometimes broken and totally disillusioned with marriage. And this is really serious stuff. I was checking out at a local store here. I bought a couple of books in preparation for this message, a couple of books on romance. And as I was standing, I had some other things in my basket, and I was checking out, and this gal, I could tell she was reading the title, and she was intrigued. She looked at me like, is it okay for me to read the title? And I said, you know, fine, good. And she said, this looks like interesting reading. It was like 101 Ways to Romance Your Wife and 101 Ways to Romance Your Husband. And she said, my husband ought to read this. I said, well, you know, I'm going to do a whole message on it on Sunday, why don't you bring him? She said, I don't know, he sure needs something. Somebody better get through to him quick. And I could tell, for her, it's serious stuff. This matter of communication is very serious. The point is that on the top of most every woman's longing list is the desire to be in a loving relationship with a man who knows how to communicate at a deeply emotional level. So men, what are we going to do about it? I mean, if we face the possibility that maybe we don't have the equipment to do this, what are we going to do? We can't go back and live our lives over again. And if you want to take a couple of steps in the right direction, let me make a suggestion to you, can I? Sometime this week, first of all, sometime this week in a private setting with your wife or sweetheart, pop the big question, honey, are you satisfied with my level of emotional engagement in this relationship? Are you? Now, when she recovers consciousness from her feigning spell and gets up off the floor, you know, and she says, well, you know, you just might be able to turn it up one little notch. What should you do? Well, here's a couple of things. Men, I'm happy to tell you that there's all kinds of resources out there these days. Twenty years ago, there wasn't much you could read. Now, the bookstore shelves are sagging with books on this whole area of learning how to communicate your feelings if you want to do it. Great book on the subject, His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. We have it in our bookstore. There's a lot of them out there. You can buy some cassette tapes on this subject. You can hook yourself up with some other men who are a little bit ahead of you in this and some promise keeper groups or other support groups we have here in the church. And you can certainly avail yourself of some good Christian counseling. There's no stigma to that. In fact, if it would save a marriage, I beg to say to you that it would be worth the investment of your time. But there is no excuse for ignorance if you really do want to be helped. You can change. Better late than never, right, men? Second thing that near the top of the women's list that I've discovered, and this is going to sound a bit antithetical to what I just said, is this. Women long to be in a relationship with someone who enters his world with confidence and strength. Wait a minute, Pastor Joe, I thought you just said that women wanted someone who could relate to them sensitively and tenderly, be involved with them and emotionally engaging. And now you're saying that she wants someone who can get up and enter his world with confidence and strength and courage? Yes, you're right. She wants it both ways. They do. They want the tender, velvet, meek, vulnerable, sensitive side, and they want the powerful, confident, courageous, achieving side. And I'll tell you what the problem is with the women. Their problem is that they want to be in a relationship with somebody who is a full-bodied image bearer of the God they have come to know and worship. You see, women have a very intuitive sense about the nature of God, much more so than men I've discovered, and when they come to Christ, they discover a God that they can relate to, who is both imminent, that is, close at hand, present, near them, always available to them, and at the same time, a God who is sovereign and strong and capable of doing majestic and powerful things. And that's why they set the bar of their expectations so high, men, and that is also why the only way you can ever truly satisfy a woman is to be filled with that same Spirit in your own life, because that is what will, in essence, bring satisfaction. It's the Spirit of God at work. That's why men need to walk through life and say, Jesus, I need your tenderness right now. I need your sensitivity. I'm not getting this. Help me listen to what my wife is saying. Or at the other time, to say, Jesus, right now, I need to be strong and make a decision that's going to affect this relationship. Help me with this. And men, how many times do you find you get those two fouled up sometimes? Sometimes you come in with strength where you need to be tender, and sometimes you come in with tenderness and meekness when you should have made a strong decision. Well, what's going to change that? Being plugged in to the Spirit of God and just listening and growing together. It's the only way you can balance the two. Third thing that I see that is high in the women's wish list is to be in a relationship with someone who is growing in multiple dimensions of his life, not someone who's stagnant and stuck. Of course, this means spiritually. And we heard reference made several times to prayer, didn't we? We heard people talking about investing in that part of their relationship. But women want to be connected with a man whose heart is ever expanding and his love for the Lord is growing, his knowledge of the Word, his wonder of God in prayer and in worship. But even beyond that, women love to see their men engaged in a life's purpose that transcends simply the acquisition of wealth and the fulfillment of the American dream, the temporal. A common characteristic of successful marriages is the pursuit of a higher goal than just what you can see and touch and feel. Something more significant than filling your life up with its daily concerns. They want to be part of pursuing God's dream. I hope this is getting through because, you know what, men, a lot of us fritter our lives away and we kind of wonder why our wives are not enchanted by that. You see, when a man comes to Jesus, he gets a personal and dynamic vision from God. He discovers a mission and a purpose greater than his back deck and golfing and VCRs and sports memorabilia. He begins to be other-centered and starts to discern the alluring call of eternal rewards. And folks, that is something that always appeals to both men and their women. When I see a man who's moved out in a responsible way in his spiritual life, there's usually a wife somewhere in the shadows choking back some tears of joy saying, you know, I'm glad I have a husband who's discovered the mission and call of God in his life. You know, Billy Graham's recent biography, A Prophet with Honor, is about what he mainly did. But there's some interesting interviews in there of his wife, Ruth Bell Graham, when she's asked by the interviewer, well, how did you stay so supportive of Billy when he was gone so much, months at a time on these crusades and so? And she said this from her heart. She said, I'd rather have Billy half the time than any other man in the world all the time. And she regards the investment that he's made in the eternal things so honorable that it's been reassuring for her and enriching for her life. Now, I'm not advocating irresponsible absenteeism for any cause, even the cause of Christ. But dear ones, some of us need to realize if we'll pursue something more, grow a little bit, that it will open the heart of our spouse. I was talking with one of the people that's on our student ministries team who's married and they were saying, you know, it's sometimes difficult to see my husband go out the door to be with this small group. But when I do see him, when he comes back, he's so energized. And when I see those four or five kids that he's born into and I hear him talking to them on the phone, I realize that he's making an eternal difference and it begins to fill me with a joy because I see something beyond just the temporal. And it causes me to ask this one question, man, what is your vision? What are you doing that's beyond the now, beyond the accumulation, beyond the acquisition of stuff? What are you doing for God? Do you know it? Is it clear to you? Is your wife plugged into it with you? But men need to be growing in other ways too. I mean, women say, I love it when my husband just reads a novel. I mean, we can have something else to talk about. Or when he exercises, when he's in recreational things and maybe I can even be part of that with him. One couple was telling me how much they've learned to enjoy gourmet cooking together. Another one said, my husband and I started a little business and so we're growing in that edge. You see, no quality woman wants to be married to a comatose couch potato who snores and bores her to tears. It's a fact. No one wants to be hooked up to another person who's permanently stuck. In fact, in my estimation, that's the epitome of selfishness. See intuitively, women want to be, they long to be in a relationship with an image bearer who's moving ahead, active and dynamic. All right? So those are three things. A woman wants to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally engaged with him. They want to be in a relationship with somebody who is growing and enlarging their life and they want to be in a relationship with someone, second point, right, who's moving into his area with strength and courage. Now, the last one is a little more obvious perhaps, but I think for some people they miss this. Women love to see their men engaged with their families. And this is a very important thing to most women. Maybe it's the incredibly strong maternal instincts that women have, but when women see their men engaged in their children's lives in a positive way, I mean, contributing to them, interacting with them, investing in them spiritually and educationally and athletically and whatever, musically, artistically, that is a great spark in their relationship. The key areas seem to be if a man is consistent and somewhat disciplined and supportive of the mom's boundaries, that tends to be a great strengthening factor in the relationship. One man I talked to this week told me that when his wife met him one day after he had come back after spending three hours with his early teenage son, he said, my wife was just so turned on. He said, I couldn't believe it. Why? Because somehow he had demonstrated at a need level that she had, that he cared about what mattered to her. And of course he did. It was great. It was great to be with my son. It was great to be with my wife. So men, there's four things for you to chew on, all right? Four things for you to look at. Now how about some ways that wives can fan the flames? Men, are you glad that's over? All right. All right. Let's talk about the wives, because you know this is coming, all right? How do men want to have love expressed? What really matters to them? Some of you are thinking right now, this is going to be a really short finish to this message. One word. Good cooking. No. Now, there's no question that the sexual fulfillment part, I'm going to roll one in the second section rather, is very important. I mean, and it's so different between men and women, it's almost hard to describe at times. In fact, it's about as difficult for women to understand how much of a need this is for men as it is for men to understand how much of a need this is for women when you're talking about the affection side of things. It's really that different. And I've often seen what a breakdown in communication there is over this issue. I want to make it very clear that sexuality is God's idea from the beginning. And that in the context of marriage, sex is to be given freely and enjoyed. And yet interestingly, about 60% of couples surveyed, Christian couples, report that their sexual life together after the first few years of marriage is less than satisfying. Why is it? I think it's because of ignorance and misunderstanding for the most part, and barriers that don't get broken down, things that build up. You see, from the beginning, God intended for sexuality to be much more broadly defined than just the act, just intercourse. God's idea of sexuality is much bigger than that. Sex involved the total engagement of two people, body and soul. And this can be, ultimately, the most intimate experience that people can ever know. That's what God designed for it to be, intimacy. I can do a whole message on intimacy, because that's really something men want as much as women, I believe, even though it's stereotyped differently. And why is that? Again, I think people just, you know, they don't communicate, and there's a lot of misunderstanding about it. I heard a story this week about a man who found out he was dying of a deadly virus, and so he picked up from eating some rare food, and it's a story now. He went to see his doctor with his wife. The doctor said, you know, you're right, you've got about two weeks to live. Well, the man was downcast, and the doctor turned, and he said, you know, sir, if you'll wait out in the waiting room, I'd like to talk to your wife for just a moment alone. He did so, and the wife sat down and said, well, what is it, doc? And the doc said, well, look, he is dying, he has about two weeks to live, but he could live a lot longer if you'll just do two things for him. What's that? I said, if you feed him anything and everything he wants, and if you make love to him every day, he'll live longer. Wife said thank you, went out, and she said, walked out to the waiting room, and the husband was there, and he said, honey, what did the doctor say? She said, doctor said, you're going to die in two weeks. There is really so much misunderstanding in this, and it can be so easily addressed if, in fact, husbands and wives become willing to talk about it. There's all kinds of confusion, there's all kinds of pain that's been inflicted over something God has intended to be a gift. Interestingly, when you look at the original language in this, where it says that very familiar verse in Genesis 2, if we could put that up, Sue, where it says that a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and they'll become one flesh, well, the picture of cleave is to be cut, right? Hebrew for cleave is the word dabach, which means to pursue with great energy, to cling to something zealously, to cling with affection and loyalty. And you see, the Bible is painting a picture of a husband who wants to be clinging to his wife intimately, united with her, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It is the most important thing in most men's need list. Second thing that I think most men want is authentic companionship. It's probably no great surprise, but most men have very few, precious few, good friends. Men, is that true? I mean, we have a few, but not many. And therefore, it's really a delight when the person that we spend most of our lives with can be our best friend. It's great to hear that when it's so. When they can share common interests and do things together, learn to enjoy the same things that he does and that the couple can engage in outside of the home, those kinds of activities. One common mistake I see in a lot of young marriages are husbands and wives who began by doing everything together when they were dating and engaged and so on, but as the marriage went on a bit, they started to divide a little bit. You know, the wife said, you know what, honey, I don't really want to exercise with you, you just go on. Or, honey, I don't want to play golf with you, just, you know, you go on your own. Or, why don't you go to the game with your buddies or do this with your friends? And pretty soon, a couple that did everything together is now starting to slowly drift apart. And creating their own little worlds of interest. That's very, very dangerous. And if you can stop that drift, I recommend that you do. The effect is that the husband spends his best time with someone other than the one that he loves the most. Men often drift into isolation and other friendships as a result. Well, some are thinking, I don't want to do anything my husband does. I mean, I don't have any of the same interests. I don't want to go hunting and fishing. I don't like cars and sports and motorcycles. We get this list of things that we could never do. But can I say to you, women, you know, remain a little bit open. Maybe it's not quite as difficult as you might think. You've all heard of Chuck Swindoll, Charles Swindoll, who's on the radio. His program, Insight for Living, is broadcast all over the country. Well, you know, he's in his early 60s now. And when he was in his mid-50s, he discovered Harley Davidson motorcycles. Let me read to you in his own words what happened. He says, you should have been in the showroom when I first sat on one of those big bikes. Cynthia, that's my wife, his wife, stood a few feet away and just stared. She didn't know whether to laugh out loud or witness to me. She compromised and hopped on behind after I winked at her. She couldn't resist. As soon as she leaned forward and whispered in my ear, honey, I could get used to this. I knew it wouldn't be long before we'd be trucking down the asphalt without a worry in the world. Now he says, we're having more fun now than anybody can imagine except fellow Harley riders. One of the best things about the whole deal is that those guys and gals down at the bike shop don't have a clue as to who we are. We finally found a place in our area where we can be out in public and remain absolutely anonymous. If anybody down there happens to ask our names, we'll just tell them we're Jim and Shirley Dobson. Those Harley hogs don't know them either. If your man tooled up in his Harley Davidson, what would you say? Grow up? Get a life? What would you say? I don't know, maybe it's not appropriate, but be open. Men want to enjoy life with their women. Be open and creative. Men, let's be reasonable. Honey, you want to go to arm wrestling class or bungee jumping? One other thing. Men really enjoy a relationship where they receive some good old basic affirmation and encouragement not based on their performance. You see, most men live in a world where they have to constantly prove that they can make it. They have to prove their worth, they have to prove themselves. Home should be a place, the one place where every man can go and clearly know that they have made it and are affirmed and admired just for who they are, not what they accomplish. Numerous times over the years, I've encountered men who've gotten into the habit of stopping off at their local club or bar on their way home from work. And when I ask these men, why just stopping? Is the day just that bad you had to get it off your mind? He said, no, I just had to go to get ready to go home. And that's a difficult scenario. This too is something that usually starts out very positively but goes south along the way. Dave kind of told this story, but Tom and Kathy are dating and when Tom shows up at the door, Kathy flings it open. So, Tom, I missed you so much. I'm so glad you're here. She throws her arms, gives him a big kiss and pulls him in. Four years later, two kids later, Tom comes home. He's 45 minutes late, got caught in traffic on 279. He opens the door, he drags himself in, he's hungry. He says, honey, I'm home. Upstairs he hears this, big deal, I've been here all day. What do you want, a marching band? You know, that kind of thing. Some are thinking, gee, there's not that much to admire about my husband. I mean, let's be honest about it. Should I just make it up? No? But let me encourage you to look in the mirror first and decide that you've got it all together before you decide that you can't find one thing to affirm about him. You can always find one thing and just make a point of that and it'll pay big dividends. Biographies of great men prove it and lives of all men show it. A man simply thrives on a woman's admiration. Well, let me conclude. Knowing all this really isn't enough. Some of this information may be helpful, but if you don't want to change, you won't change. But I do want to say this to all of you who might be a little discouraged. I know some of you are thinking, man, I wish I hadn't come today. I've just struck out. I got a minus three on the romance survey. Well, what is it? First thing is change is possi