Ten Truths For the New Millennium VI, 5 Essentials For Great Relationships

Now, Wednesday evening here at North Way was just a terrific gathering. I don't know how many of you were able to make it, but we were really full. There was about 1,300 people in this auditorium. Five different churches came together from around the area. It was a grand night. I mean, it was an exceptional night. The Spirit of the Lord, I think, was present with us. I think that Psalm 133, behold how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell together in unity, was somewhat fulfilled. The Bible says God commands the blessing in that situation, and that certainly was true on Wednesday night, and we're going to be doing more things with the churches in the area. But not everyone's holiday was as richly blessed as that Wednesday night. In fact, if we went around, I took the microphone and went around just person to person. I expect we'd hear some interesting stories about Thanksgiving. And some of us had to, you know, we went through some real stretching times with the good old family. You know, how many of us could tell a story or two about someone you wish never made it through your door, but there they were at your table to eat? And in fact, the truth of the matter is that the holidays that we're entering into right now have just segued into the most painful time of the year for millions of people. I mean, it's not a laughing matter to some. There'll be more counseling, more medication dispersed, more interventions in the next six weeks than any other period of the year. Do you know that? Why? Because this is the time when relationships are stretched to the max. And what we are all about is really sort of surfaced in terms of our relationships with other people. And that's one reason why I've chosen this time to do this message, Five Essentials of Great Relationships. But let me just say something very honestly with you. This is not a message just about a few principles. And I labored this week. I had time today, or this week rather, to prepare for today. And I want you to know something, and I know this now experientially after the first service. I believe God wants to do something in our church when it comes to this matter of relationships. This isn't just about a few of us, you know, trying a little harder to get along in our small group. It's not just about a few people who want to be just a little more happy and get along better with one another. The great need in this culture, in this high-tech, fast-paced, you know, how many times do you have to hear that? Fast-paced. I mean, the great need in the culture that's hurtling along in the information age is for relationships. It's for people to care for the souls of other people. That's what we're talking about here. The culture's increasingly just individualizing itself, and people are hungering to be connected. And my prayer, now listen, for all of us is that these things I'm going to share today wouldn't just be a little, I mean, in one sense, I was concerned that some of you would say, well, you know, that's sort of a ho-hum deal for me. I know that. I mean, I've been a Christian for a long time. I don't need to hear about relationships again. But the fact of the matter is, friends, we have an incredible opportunity in this culture to be a place where relationships are modeled and flourish unlike anywhere else on the planet. And if you ask me about it, I'll tell you the truth, I really believe that the church could be walking into its most glorious moment in all of history, because the absence of what I'm talking about today is everywhere. There are few places where you can go and live out what I'm going to talk about today. I'm talking about people learning to connect. Author Larry Crabb wrote a book called Connecting. I highly recommend it to you. It's probably in our bookstore. You can order it. Get it in a few days. He said this, when two people connect, something is poured out of one into the other that has the power to heal the soul of its deepest wounds and restore it to health. The one who receives experiences the joy of being healed, but the one who gives knows the even greater joy of being used to healing. I know that's true. It's great to receive, but it's a wonderful thing to be the instrument of healing. Something good is in the heart of each of God's children, that's you, that is more powerful than everything bad in the world, and I believe that that's true. It's there waiting to be released, but it rarely happens, he writes. So we're going to talk today about being connected. Did you get the image up here on the screen? Do you know what that is? What is that? That's a Lego, isn't it? It's a little Lego, a couple of Lego blocks, but what good is a single Lego? A Lego is meant to be connected to create something. God wants his people to be connected together in vital relationships, and I'm asking you to just expect God to deliver a rhema to your heart today. If just one of these things can get through to you, I believe you'll be changed. You know, last weekend I was affected when standing right here on the steps of this platform, a young woman came down with her husband, and she shared with me, you know, I never believed this day would happen. I've been praying for six years for my husband to come to church with me, and I know some of the history of the difficulty in their relationship, and we prayed together, you know, six years. This is a long time. When you don't think it's going to make it, and for her to come with her husband and their little child and say, we want to be a family together in God, see, that's what this is about. It's about connecting. It's about relationships that work, and I believe today that some of you are going to hear something that's going to help a relationship work. Maybe you yourself, if things are going well, but maybe you know someone who needs to be touched. I'm excited because this message will work parents to kids, employer to employee, student to student, single adults to one another, and even small groups. You know, 130 of you signed up last week to be part of these new Lighthouse 2000 groups. That's exciting, and we believe more will sign up today, but you know, the group doesn't mean anything if the dynamics in the group don't work. So let's look at this together, and I want you to rank yourself, would you? Give yourself a 1 to 5 on each of these because, you know, it's important for you to be honest with how you're doing. Okay, so get out your outline, get your pen, and get ready to go. Here we go. Essential number one, essential number one is to be courageous and take initiative. Be willing to take the first step, don't sit in the shadows and expect someone to come to you every time to get a relationship moving. It takes courage to do this, by the way, doesn't it? And why is that? Well, because fear keeps us at a distance. Now listen carefully here, listen. What is it about us that even when I ask you to turn around and greet someone, you go, oh man, huh? What is that in us that says, I'd rather not really be compelled to have to do that right now? There's something in us, isn't there? We like our space, you'd like it if there was an aisle between you and every other seat. I mean, that's just kind of the way most of us are wired up. And yet, the Bible says that the reason we stay disconnected, listen, is because of fear. Fear of being rejected, fear of being manipulated, fear of being hurt, fear of being used. And all of these very strong fears keep us disconnected from one another. Now this started way back in the time of Adam and Eve. Remember what the Bible says in Genesis 3.10? The Bible says, God was walking through the garden looking for Adam and he was hiding. And the Lord said, where are you, Adam? And Adam said, I was afraid and I hid myself. You see? So all the way back in the origins of man, this whole thing that fear disconnects, fear causes us to hide. We're hiding behind the fact that maybe, well, I just don't know if I want someone to really know me because if they do, they may not really accept me. And you know what? We're in a world of trouble if someone really knows you and doesn't accept you. Why is that? Because you're all you've got. And you can't change who you are. So if someone says, well, I don't know if I want to, it's safer to just keep a distance than it is to be known. And so many people never get past the shallowness of their own little world because they're afraid of being rejected. Few people are secure enough to handle rejection in that way. Fear does three things. Jot these down. Fear, number one, makes you defensive. If you know a person that's really defensive all the time and just right away they respond to criticism and they get argumentative and they retaliate, it's because they're afraid. Second, fear keeps us distant. We pull back and we cover our emotions. And we're just sort of, you know, this flat line emotionally. And third, fear makes us demanding. Why? Because we want to control. So we want things to be sort of our way so we won't have to divulge. Now, where do you go to get the courage to risk a relationship? Where do you go to just take that step of taking initiative? Well, look in your outline. The Bible tells us where we can go to get that strength. Of all places, it's the Holy Spirit. Look at this. For the Holy Spirit, God's gift, does not want you to be afraid of people, but to be wise and strong and to love them and enjoy being with them. Now, that's the verse that says, For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of love, power, and sound mind. I like the King James better. Well, maybe you do, but now you understand what it's talking about. The Holy Spirit wants you to be connected with people. You know what? Let me just get a little bit focused here for a second. If this is a Spirit-filled church, I mean, we talk about being a church where the Spirit of God is given liberty, then what should be the primary or premier characteristic of this church? Thank you. Love. Love. Why? Because the Spirit of God is the Spirit of love. And if we're full of the Holy Spirit, this should be a place where love is abounding. This should be a place where love is overflowing to one another. I mean, this should be a love barn. I mean, when you come in here, this should be a place where you can... I mean, I shouldn't have to tell you to turn and greet someone. You should be pouring over with love to each other. This should be a place, the moment you walk through the threshold, you sense that there is love in this place. Why? Because it's a Spirit-filled place. Why? God is a God of love, and the Spirit is a Spirit of love, and we are filled with that Spirit. We should be overflowing with love. I don't know what it's been about Spirit-filled churches. We focused on revelation, and we focused on more knowledge. Well, yeah, I'm all for that. But I want this to be a place where love abounds. Would you agree with that? And love causes us to take initiative and overcome fear. So, very simple. Are you growing in the Spirit-filled life? How do you know? How do you know if you're growing or not? Are you taking more initiative? Are you reaching out to more people? That's a good indicator of whether or not you're growing in the things of God. All right, evaluate yourself. One to five. One would be, hey, I like my seat. Let me alone. Five would be, hey, I extend myself whenever I can. I initiate other people. I reach out to them. Okay, one to five. I'm not going to move until I see pens moving. One to five. And you don't have to share this with anybody. Well, maybe. We'll see. Okay. Number two, be considerate of their needs. Be considerate of their needs. In other words, the starting point of connecting is seeing the needs of others and touching them before you expect them to touch your needs. Look at their hurts before you think they have to look at your hurts. Find out what they want before you care about what you want being met. Look at Philippians 2.4 in your outline. Look out for one another's interest, not just your own. Now, that's one of those verses that I just wish Paul hadn't been so inspired with. I mean, that's a hard verse to live out, huh? Thanksgiving Day, we sat down about 5 o'clock for our big Thanksgiving dinner. And our particular family, we had about 20 people, 20 adults around the table. And I think to the best of my counting here, six of those adults were young men between the ages of 19 and 26. I mean, these are eating machines. I mean, these are guys that, like, just, you know, it starts worrying and they just keep on packing it in. Now, my mom was responsible for the turkey. We did everything else, but my mom brought the turkey. And I don't know what she was thinking about, but she bought a 12-pound turkey. Twelve pounds. I mean, even Pastor Jeff had a 22-pounder for himself. You saw that right here. So, 12-pound turkey, and we've got 20 adults and six huge guys. And as things would have it, the turkey platter was placed right in front of my position, right in front of my seat. So I had the privilege of lifting it up. And I'm looking at this, and I'm looking down at the table. I'm seeing all these huge guys. I'm thinking, man, by the time that gets around, there's going to be a neck left. That's it. Just the neck. I mean, here's this plate full of turkey. And I'm thinking, you know. And this verse is going through my mind. Think not of yourself first. Think of others. I just shoved off a couple little pieces and passed it right on down the line. And by the time it came around, there was a neck and a couple other little pieces left. And I rejoiced that I had ham for Thanksgiving. And that's just okay. But, you know, having a verse like that in the Bible just keeps you honest, doesn't it? You've got to look out for other people's interests. You've got to care about them. Not easy to do. And not always what we want to do. Now, have you noticed that the whole world is telling you that you deserve that first-rate attention? You're the one that should get it? How many of you watched at least one commercial during this last three days during a football game that said, you deserve it? You deserve this great new car. You deserve this shampoo. You deserve this internet buying experience or whatever it is. Well, you know what? I want to share just two things I've learned about life. Maybe they'll help you. Just jot them in there in the blank areas. Number one, the world does not revolve around you. I know that's hard to accept. It doesn't revolve around me either. God loves us. We're special to Him. But the world just will keep right on going even if you step off of it. Did you know that? It's a shocker. But just disappear from your class or your job tomorrow and see what happens. I mean, someone else will fill that spot. That's the way it is. The only one who will really miss you are your loved ones, the ones that are near you. The world does not revolve around you even though the marketers would make you think that it's true. And the second thing that I've discovered is this. When you do look out for others first, God looks out for you. And I've learned that more in the last five years than in the previous 45 of my life. When you look out for others, when you put them first, God has a way of surprising you with His provision in ways you didn't expect. So those two things I just submit to you. Learning to be considerate is a huge thing. And by the way, being considerate has to do also with making allowances for other people and their failures. Look at this next verse. You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Ever notice how much discernment God gives you about the faults and failures of other people? Ever notice how you mature? You become more discerning just about how needy other people really are. And God shows you just how much wisdom He's given you to help them sort out their problems in life. Isn't it great to know how, I mean, you're God's special agent man when it comes to helping someone else get their life sorted out. Well, Lord, thanks for showing me just how proud they are. I can pray for them better. Thanks for showing me that they're overbearing or insensitive or whatever. I'm glad I'm not that way, Lord. Thank you. Someone wrote, Dear Abby, and said, I'm a 44-year-old single woman. I'd like to find a man my age with no bad habits. Abby wrote back, so would I. Not going to happen. We all have faults. We all have blind spots. We all have areas of need. Proverbs 17, 9 says that love forgets those mistakes. And I love 1 Corinthians 13 that says, Love keeps no record of wrongs. Don't you? Do you keep a record? Do you make a little mental note when someone messes up in your life? Do you? You know, I've lasted 18 and a half years, now almost 19 years as senior pastor in this church. And one of the reasons is God's given me a good forgetter. And it's a gift. I forget about some of the things that people say and do. Why? Because I choose to. And some people do wonderful things and I choose to remember those and count those as great blessings. Good friends have good forgetters. I'm astonished when people tell me, You know, nine years ago in the hall, you walked by me and didn't say hello. And it's hurt me ever since then. Well, get over that. Okay? Nine years ago? I mean, look how much has happened in the world. Come on. So, be a person who makes allowances for others. Alright, rate yourself. Go ahead, rate yourself. One is, well, you know what, I take care of me. First things first. Five is, I look out for others every chance I can. Go ahead, rate yourself. Kids, I want you to look at your parents thing. Make sure they're filling it out. That's it. Take a good look at it. Alright, number three. Be careful with your words. Proverbs says that the power of life and death is in the tongue. How many of you believe that the tongue is the most powerful instrument given by God to man? I mean, it's so powerful that back in the book of Genesis, man was trying to make his way to God and he was building this tower and God had to confuse him by confusing the language. I mean, it's just amazing. I liken the tongue to a huge power tool capable of incredible accomplishments or amazing destruction. The other night I was getting ready for this and sifting through a little safety manual for a power tool at home. This little power saw, old power saw that I have. Here's what it says. See if this applies to your own power tool. First thing it says is to know your power tool well and what it can do. That's a good idea. Second, keep guards in place. That's good. Third, be especially careful around children. That's true about the tongue, isn't it? Number four, store when not in use. That's a real good idea. We're all better off if we keep our mouths quiet when we're not supposed to be talking. And five, never use in an explosive environment. Very true. See, in general, most of us would do much better if we kept our mouths quiet more and listened a lot more than we talked. Others would feel more cared about. We wouldn't be as likely to put our foot in our mouth and the Bible says we'd even appear to be wise. The Bible says even a fool appears wise when they keep silent. Two general terms that help in connecting by using our words carefully. One is, and you can put this on the bottom of your outline, use your tongue constructively. Look at this verse. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth but only, circle the word only, only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those that listen. So, number one, be constructive and number two, be confidential. That's not on your outline but be confidential. Proverbs 11, 13 says this, a gossip betrays a confidence but a trustworthy man keeps a secret. Proverbs 11, 13. There's a misunderstanding in the church that gossip is like a misdemeanor sin. Can I say that gossip has destroyed more churches than any other obstacle that Satan has put in its path. More than governments, more than cash flow problems, more than zoning restrictions, gossip has destroyed more churches and more works of God than any other obstacle that Satan has used. What is gossip? Gossip is talking about a situation with someone who's not part of the problem or the solution. How about that definition? You might want to write that down. Gossip is talking about a situation with someone who's not part of the problem or the solution. And it's always wrong. It's destructive to a family, it's destructive to friendships and it's certainly destructive to your church family. In the book of Numbers, Miriam and Aaron are gossiping about Moses' leadership. And I won't take the time to turn there, just write down Numbers 12. But they're having this real gab fest about what a lousy leader Moses is and who put him in charge anyhow. And the Lord is listening in to this. It's a great story about being caught red-handed. And they're really beating up on Moses verbally and the Lord listens in to them. Here's how it kind of goes. When the Lord intervenes, he says, You know, when a prophet of the Lord is among you, I reveal myself to him in visions and speak to him in dreams. But this is not true of my servant Moses. With him, I speak face to face, clearly and not in riddles. He sees the form of the Lord. Why then, the Lord asked, were you not afraid, Miriam and Aaron, to speak against my servant Moses? And the anger of the Lord burned against them and he left them. I know it's not a good thing when the anger of the Lord is burning against you. So when the cloud lifted from above the tent, there stood Miriam, leprous. She became a leper like snow. All of her skin turned white and started flaking and parts of it started to be eaten up and she had this horrible, disfiguring disease. And Aaron turned toward her and saw that she had leprosy. Why she got it and Aaron didn't, we don't know. All we know is that there she was, this horrible disease just fell right on her. And guess what happened? I'll show you the kind of man Moses was. Moses turned to the Lord and Moses interceded for Miriam. Moses said, Lord, if you would just but cleanse her. All I'm saying is, gossip is so serious that God sought fit to strike down one of his children with leprosy as a result of it. And it was the intercession of Moses that brought healing. God said, put her out of the camp for seven days. At least she'll know something of what she's doing is wrong and then bring her back in and she was healed. Friends, gossip destroys. Let's not let gossip have any place amongst us. Why? Because once it's out, there's nothing you can do about it. My favorite story about the impact of gossip is this, a man wanted to do, in sort of an Old Testament fashion, penance for his sin. And so he went to the rabbi and said, what should I do? I've been gossiping. He said, well, go to the top of the hill of the little city that we're in and open up a feather pillow and spread it to the wind. And so he did that and the feathers flew all over the place. And he said, is that all? And the rabbi said, no. Now you go down in the city and pick up all the feathers. He said, well, that's not possible. He said, that's right. That's the destructive power of gossip. So may the Lord keep us from letting our tongues speak gossip. Be careful with your words. Rank yourself. Do you find yourself just talking too much? Are you too loose? Give yourself a one or two. Do you find yourself edifying speaking words that are wholesome and uplifting? Give yourself a four or five. All right? Go ahead and rank yourself. By the way, if you have all threes, you're not really participating. That doesn't count. Be honest with yourself here. Number four. Fourth way to connect with people is to be candid about your problems. Be candid. You have to be open and honest and frank about a relationship. Notice the verse. An honest answer is the sign of a true friendship. You notice that honesty and connectedness go together? Being candid, being connected, they're part of the same process. Genuinely meaningful relationships are built on honesty and not flattery. And if you have someone who never speaks challenging words to you, someone who's just always saying what you want to hear, just, oh, yeah, everything's fine. If you're just, you know, floating along and never hear anything that's really at the truth of where things are, that friend doesn't really love you. That friend's just trying to, you know, get something from you. They're using you. Genuine friendships speak the truth in love. It's not always what you want to hear. I got a little piece of lettuce stuck in your teeth there. You know, ever sit at lunch with someone and they get this thing there and you don't know how to say it? Boy, that looks really weird. A genuine friend can tell you, you know what, I think that the decision you're considering here doesn't seem right to me. Could we talk about it some? Maybe there's some other insight that we need. A genuine friend says, you know, the things that you said back there, that really hurt that person and I just wanted you to know that we ought to go to them together and see if we can't bring reconciliation. Do you have anybody that's speaking into your life in a candid way? Someone that cares enough to say to you, you need to work on this. That loves you enough to hold you accountable. Honest, loving candidness is necessary for spiritual growth and there's no other way around it. Again, church, listen. Here, of all places, we should be free to speak the truth in love. Let me give you three guidelines. You might want to jot these in the bottom of that blank area on your page. Three guidelines about being candid. Number one, compliment in public, correct in private. Compliment in public. Parents, very important. Compliment in public, correct in private with your co-workers, fellow students and friends and so on. Number two, correct when the other person is up, not when they're down. It's very difficult to handle correction when you're really tired, isn't it? You know, Carol's not here in this service. She wasn't the first. She's been listening to me preach. God bless her for over 20 years. And she's my best critic. She really is. She gives me really honest feedback. But one thing that she's determined to do ever since the beginning days, when I walk off this platform, she doesn't just pull out a list and say, well, this was... She never says anything critical when I step off the platform. Unless I've made a total fool of myself, then she's trying to spare me the grief. And she'll usually wait. I'll go home, and normally after a couple of services and all the preparation, you know, I take a rest on Sunday afternoon and maybe we'll go out to dinner or whatever. And then either that night or the next day, she'll say, hon, you know, in the message you said this, did you really mean it that way? And I can take all kinds of constructive criticism the next day, you know? But boy, when you've just poured yourself out and someone comes along and says, I mean, you know, that really, it just can wipe you out. So be careful about that. Be careful about when you give your constructive criticism to anybody. Make sure they can receive it. And third, be open to receiving that criticism yourself. Is that just you? Be open to receiving it from others because if you're just giving it and not receiving it, I question whether or not you should be giving it. You need to be open. One other thing. Candor in relationships necessarily means there's going to be times of anger and frustration. And I want to be very careful as I say this, but listen to me, please. Anger is sometimes necessary if you really love somebody. There are some of us here today that have pushed down our true feelings over the years because way back when, you know, someone abused anger, anger was out of control, and so we stayed away from it. But there are times when parents need to be angry with their kids. There are times when spouses need to be angry with each other. A parent of an 18-year-old said, well, you know, my kid said he was going to come home at 12.30 and at 6 o'clock he wasn't home at 6 a.m. What should I do? I said, well, you know what? You should let that child know that's not going to happen again. That's not acceptable behavior. Oh, well, you know, he just said that he didn't want to drive, you know, the party was too late. It's time for some righteous anger. It's time to assert yourself. You see, the problem is, friends, too many of us want to just stay in this very safe thing. Let me just use the platform as a continuum. Here's this thing of sort of superficial relationships over here. Here's where we are when we're just sort of nice and we don't want to ride the boat and we don't want to create any possibility of any emotions really being expressed. Listen, many marriages stay here most of their existence. Many churches never leave this area of sort of phony intimacy. Hi, how are you? Fine. How are you? Fine. Fine, well, goodbye. Let's go home then. And over here on the other side of the platform is what I want to call true intimacy. Soul-to-soul connection where hearts are looking into hearts and people are seeing that inside of there is a hurting or needy person or a person that's facing some very tough stuff. And here's a place where you can open up your soul and be loved. And it's a long way from that end of the platform to this one. It's a long way from phony pseudo intimacy to the real thing where lives are connecting and people are making a difference with each other. And the only way I know, listen, after 25 years in ministry, the only way I know from that place to this place is through what I call the tunnel of conflict. That's this distance from here to here where you literally have to go toe-to-toe and work through painful things and say things that you don't want to say and hear things you don't want to hear and be involved with people in ways that may be hurt but in the end lead to this wonderful thing called true intimacy. I don't want to be part of a church where we're all fine because we're not all fine. Some of us are addicted to things. Some of us have lied to our spouses and are involved with other people. Some of us have cheated our governments and people that we work for out of money. Some of us have kids that are in rebellion and don't even want to be at home with us. And we need to help each other from pseudo intimacy to the real thing because here's life. You see, this is life. This is where God lives. This is where there's joy and peace and meaningful coexistence in the kingdom of God. That's where I want to be. But it takes sometimes a journey through this tunnel where I don't really want to go. How many of you have had kids in your life? How many of you have born children? Dan, put your hand down. If a guy put up his hand, I didn't say it right. Let me say it again. How many of you have brought personally a child into the world? Does that help? Okay, it should be just ladies with their hands up. Thank you. I have been told, Dan, as a dad, we've been there and we've watched the pain they go through, right? I've been told it's very difficult pain. It's very, very hard. But the joy afterwards soon causes the pain to fade into a distant memory. It never goes away, but it's... How many moms would say it was worth the pain? I'm not sure about afterwards, but I mean... Yes, absolutely. Bringing a child into the world is worth the pain. Likewise, friends, going through the tunnel of conflict is worth the pain because in the end, you raise your relationship to a new level where you can share a life, connect in a way that I really can't even describe this morning. It's so meaningful. But sometimes it's painful. Rank yourself one to five. How are you doing with candor? Are you honest with those around you? Do you have someone that's speaking? And men, do you have someone speaking into your life? If you don't, I feel badly for you. You're not going to make it as a believer. I mean, you're not going to really become what God wants you to be. Give yourself a five if you've got a core group of people around you. And give yourself a one if you don't who can speak into your life. And finally, let me just touch on this. The fifth thing is to be committed to a relationship. The fifth C is be committed to that relationship. Great relationships take time, energy, and commit