Successfully Single

And yet we have so much to learn from him today. Take your outlines out of your notes, please, everyone. And we're gonna look today at this topic of being successfully single. You know, once a year or so, I do a series on family relationships in the home about kids and marriages and the singles will often ask me, well, what about us, Pastor Jay? I mean, a lot of these things don't relate to us and they sit there patiently for at least a couple weeks and then I start noticing the crowd thins out a little bit and the singles say, I'm gonna go visit somewhere. I can't take another message about marriage. Why don't you talk to us? And so today, singles, I'm going to talk to you specifically. And you know, that applause, by the way, is indicative. There are quite a few singles in our community. I don't have an accurate count, but my closest guesstimate is nearly about 28% of our congregation is single. So we're talking probably in the neighborhood of four to five hundred adults who are single, who call North Way their home. Over 60 million single adults in America. That's a lot of people and you do have some unique needs. And so today, I want to just address those and please understand, I am sure I'm not gonna answer all your questions. I know I can't possibly do justice to this topic, but I do want to speak to some of the questions. Why I say now marrieds, I had a married person real near the front here in the first service that started to fall asleep as soon as I started talking about this. I see that I'm gonna walk down right in your face and tell you to wake up. You need to give grace. But more than that, may I say, there's gonna be some things in here you're gonna relate to. Because what God wants to say to us really applies to us, whatever circumstance we might be in. Let me talk first of all about the three kinds of singles that are here. On your outline, there's those of you who are here because you're single by creation. What does that mean? Well, that means that God has created some of us to live all of our lives as a single adult. We enjoy this single life and we can live that way happily ever after. The Bible calls this literally the gift of singleness. Look in your notes. There's Paul writing, he was, by the way, a single adult. He said, I wish everyone could get along without marrying just as I do. But we're not all the same. God gives some the gift of marriage and to others He gives the gift of singleness. So there is a giftedness of God by creation that makes you that way. The Bible calls this gift, this gift of singleness, a very unique thing. You have no burning desire to be married. Your antenna always, you know, up looking for just, you know, Mr. Right or Miss Right coming. You're not rating prospects every time you go into the mall or have a business meeting. Usually you're high achievers, focused people. Many of you become professionals and take positions of significant responsibility in the marketplace. Your artists, leaders, and missionaries, by the way, oftentimes have the gift of singleness. The three greatest male figures of the New Testament were single adults, Jesus, Paul, and John the Baptist. And how do you know then if you have this gift of singleness? Well, it's really kind of easy. Living without sex is no big deal for you. I mean, you don't have this huge void in your heart. You're not frustrated. You're not preoccupied with it. You're not wondering about it all the time. You're not like a time bomb walking around waiting to explode. But if you deal with sexual frustration and temptation, if you're processing this all the time, if you're wondering all the time about why aren't I married and so, then you don't have the gift of singleness. And understand, most of you don't have this gift. Of the singles that are with us, my guess is my hunch is about 5% have that gift of the singles that are here. Second large group, actually much larger group, is those who are single by circumstance. You're the ones who would like to be married, but for one reason or another, you're single right now. The vast majority of you fit this category. Things haven't worked out for you to be married. Maybe you never met the right person. Maybe the timing was wrong in a relationship and it fell apart. Maybe you were never asked. There's a large number of you who are divorced. Some of you who are widowed. Some of you have been abandoned by your spouse. By the way, I understand there to be two Biblical reasons for remarriage. One of them is abandonment, as Paul describes right there on your outline in 1 Corinthians 7. And the other is unfaithfulness, as Jesus said in Matthew 5 on the Sermon on the Mount. But that's the great majority of you who are single today, single by circumstance. The third group are those of you who are single by choice. You could have married, but you chose not to at this time. Maybe somebody asked you and you said no. Maybe you asked someone and they said no to you. This could be an age-related thing. Something else may be more important in your life. There may be some good reasons for this and some not-so-good reasons. How many of you can marry for the wrong reasons? Anyone have a testimony they'd like to share right now? Well, you know, you can be single for the wrong reasons too. Let me give you some wrong reasons to be single. One of them is selfishness. Listen, I work real hard for my money and I'm going to keep it. I don't want to share it with anybody. Some of you want to avoid responsibility. I don't want to deal with all the hassle of it. I mean, I just kind of like it the way it is. Some of you, well, you just as soon dabble around sexually and enjoy some of those things without the commitment. I'm going to talk about that in a moment. Some of you don't want to adapt. I mean, it'd be too much of a hassle to live with someone and have to put their stuff away and all that kind of thing. But the main reason, really, the main wrong reason for not marrying is fear of commitment or fear of failing at your commitment. Now, there's some good reasons too. Maybe you have some personal issues to work out. Maybe there's some things in your own spirit that aren't right or your own psyche that need work out. I think that's a good reason to wait to be married. Some of you want to be able to serve family members or friends and you've got some other objectives in life. That's a good reason to wait. Some of you have educational goals and that's valid. And some of you just flat want more time to serve the Lord. And I want to say, praise God for people who choose to be single because they want to be more available to serve God. Jesus said in Matthew 19, 12, look at that on your outline. Some choose not to marry for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. That is a wonderful discipline in your life. Now, most of what I'm going to say today in the balance of this message is directed to category number two. I might ask you to put your hand up, but you know who you are. Single by circumstance. And let me say initially, and I want to say this personally and as heartfelt as I can, I know some of you really hurt because of this circumstance in your life. You have shed innumerable, immeasurable amounts of tears. And I hurt with you. You long to be married. And if this condition of not being married isn't met, and it goes on for a long period of time, it creates a deep hole in your soul. And creates a lot of questioning. Loneliness is a terrible condition to endure over the long term. Listen, all of us are lonely in short terms in our life. Whether circumstantially something happens, we're separated from our spouse or whatever. But long term loneliness is very difficult. And when it persists, as we'll see later, the Bible says it's not good. And it raises questions about ourselves and about God. We become vulnerable to asking things about ourselves that don't even make sense. I watched a little movie this summer that kind of caught my attention. And it's about a single adult who, well, she's just frustrated. She can't find the right guy. She's living in her home, not with her parents, but in a separate apartment. And she comes back from a bad date. And she's just had it. And her dad calls her up and says, her name is Gwen. He says, Gwen, come on over. Let's just watch one of these old movies together we used to enjoy when you were growing up. And so I want you to watch this video clip up here for a second. The singles, I want you to see if you relate to this, okay? Here's to what it just may feel like once in a while to be single. And to be asking questions about yourself. Oh, God. I am so lonely. I can't live like this anymore. Gwen? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh. Oh, I had a peculiar evening. I had dinner with this guy, Bob. He's a perfectly decent guy. He's somewhat obsessed with his last girlfriend, but otherwise... Gwen, sweetheart, come here. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Why haven't I found someone? Am I so misshapen? So repellent? I mean, why can't it just happen like it did with you and Mom? Why? Ever ask yourself this question? What's wrong with me? But singles, listen. There's another side to this. What you look and see in other relationships isn't always the way you think it really is. Listen as Gwen learns something about her mom and dad. Sweetheart, I'm going to tell you something very important, okay? Tell me, please, Daddy. I never loved your mother. What? Never. I mean, not... Not real love. What? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What you're searching for. I want to find someone. You have someone. She's upstairs. She gave birth to me. Many times, I can't tell you how many times I thought, well, okay, I'll wait it out, maybe she'll die. You've been waiting for my mother to die? No, no, shh, shh, not really, but... Yeah, yeah, it's true. Finally, I can say it. No, you can't. Now, how many marrieds would want singles to know it's not always what you think it is? See, none of us have the perfect life that we think someone else has. It just doesn't work that way. But singles... Have you asked yourself those questions? What's wrong with me? Or, what's wrong with God? Why doesn't He see what's going on in my life? If He really cared about me, He'd do something. He knows how lonely I am. He knows how much I'm crying. He knows how much I hurt. How come He doesn't care? I want to talk for just a few moments, because, you know, there's not an easy answer here, and I just want to be candid. If you came hoping that I'd give you the easy answer to dealing with your singleness, I'm going to disappoint you. I don't think there is an easy one, but I do think there are a few things that you can lay hold of. There are sort of anchors of grace that you can lay hold of to help you walk through this season of your life and to journey successfully through it. Let me share them. Number one, to be successfully single, you have to learn to accept your circumstance. Accept your circumstance. First thing on your outline. Don't live in denial. Don't give in to depression and self-pity. Don't let resentment and bitterness creep in and fixate on the things that you don't like. These can begin to define your life. And above all, don't accept the lie that the world tells you that, hey, there's something wrong with you if you're single, that you're not really complete. This is a couple's world, and you obviously don't... I mean, something's askew in your life, and you'd be married. If that were the case, then Jesus would have failed in real life. And the fact of the matter is, no one succeeded in living a fulfilling life more than Jesus. The Bible says that it's legitimate to be single or married. There are benefits and responsibilities to both. Look what Paul says. Here's Paul. He was a single adult. He said, I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. And I want you to look at that. Learn to be content. First of all, I want you to see, to be happily single, you have to learn, in the midst of your circumstance, to be content. Now, what does that mean? Well, that means that you don't pretend to be content, that you don't pretend that, well, you know, I don't really care if I get married or not. You don't pretend that I like everything just the way it is when you don't. You don't pretend that I just don't care if things never change when you really do. You don't pretend that, well, I don't have any ambitions or dreams. It doesn't really matter anyhow when it does. Contentment is this, simply this, not waiting for the situation to change in order for me to be happy. Let me say it again. Contentment means not waiting for the situation to change in order for me to be happy. And this is over anything in life, not just singleness. Contentment means, in the midst of whatever I am, I'm going to choose to be happy. Happiness is a choice that you have the privilege of making by the grace of God in Jesus Christ. Paul says, I can do everything through him who strengthens me. Not too long ago, I was with some friends here at North Way and my wife Carol and I had gone with them to a big outdoor sporting event. There was a huge number of people, 150,000 people or more at this thing. And we all, over a long period of time, drove our cars into this site for this big event. And when the event was over, everyone wanted to leave at the same time. And that put us way at the back of this line. And it was a very interesting study on people choosing how they would react. And the lines all kind of narrowly formed to get out and the cars got right up behind. And if you were trying to get in perpendicular to get into the line to exit, and you could just see what some people were thinking about that. I mean, some people got up on that wheel and they were clutching that wheel and they got right behind that bumper. And if you'd look at them and say, any chance they'd go, and they'd start, windows would go down and horns would blow. And some people couldn't stand. After half an hour of moving five feet, they'd wiggle their car out and go storming down the other way. And you could just see who was choosing. And I finally realized, you know what, we're not going anywhere until the line moves. Might as well choose to enjoy this. To enjoy the fellowship. To enjoy being together, to talk about things. And you know what, happiness is a choice. You can make it, no matter what your circumstance is in life. Some of you haven't dealt with this by facing up to the reality that it may be a condition that's going to last a little while. You're living in this temporary limbo kind of state, expecting the big event at any moment. If I went to some of your apartments right now, singles, you haven't really even unpacked. You haven't decorated. You're in a temporary living quarter. You eat temporary food. You say, well, look, it's just me. Why bother cooking? I'll just get a TV dinner, go down to Mac's or whatever. I mean, your life just reflects the fact that you've not accepted that maybe you're going to be single for a while. And that's good, that's okay. That's what God has for you. Look what the Lord said to the Israelites. He sent this message to us in Babylon. It'll be a long time. You see, they felt they were going to be single for a long time. Therefore, build houses and settle down and plant gardens. In other words, just get comfortable in the circumstances you're in and let God deal with you. Stop waiting for the big event, the ideal. Stop waiting for that which you can't control. You say, well, my life won't truly begin until I get married. Well, let me tell you something. Something will begin when you get married, but it won't be your life. Watch out for this, what I call when and then thinking. When and then thinking creeps into all of us, doesn't it? When I graduate, then I'll be happy. When I get married, then I'll be happy. When I have kids, then I'll be happy. When the kids leave home, then I'll be happy. When I have the job of my dreams, then I'll be happy. When I get to this level of income, then I'll be happy. How many of you have seen that level of income do this over the last 20 years? See, that's when and then thinking. You'll never be happy. Never be happy. You've got to decide you're going to be happy today. Look what it says in your outline. This is the day the Lord has made. Let's rejoice and be glad in it. What day? This day, today. Whatever your circumstance, this is the day. Number two, affirm God's standard for sexuality. This is the big one. Take a deep breath. I want to say up front that nothing is more difficult for single adults than dealing with this explosive topic. I was reading this summer in my break, American Demographics Magazine, and those of you who are in marketing know, I think I might have left it upstairs a couple of weeks ago, but it's a very popular magazine that talks about trends and what's going on in our culture. I read it for that reason to stay in touch with it. And I was reading the cover article in the February issue was about the fact that generation Y, those of you 18 to 24, how many 18 to 24 year olds are in this service? Quite a few of you. Well, know what it says about you? It says that you are returning more to the values of your parents and grandparents. You are a little more reluctant to live with a partner before marriage. You're a little more cautious about getting entwined before you get committed. And I was reading along with this, and I was really pretty encouraged until I read the statistic of the percentage of you that are sexually active, ages 18 to 24. That number, according to this magazine, which is considered an industry standard, is 76% are sexually active compared to about 80% for those in the generation X group, which is the 25 to 34 year olds. So somewhere between 75 and 80 some percent of you are sexually active. You say, well, that's not Christians. Well, the sad news is, you see, friends, the same statistics pretty much hold for Christians, too. This is a tough one. And it's something I know you all face all the time, especially those of you who've been single for a while. What's a single person to do if they say, hey, I'm not going to be sexually active? Yeah, I know what I'll do, I'll just sit at home because no one's going to take me out. Well, that isn't necessarily so. But when it comes to your sexuality, you've got two choices. You can go the way of your creator or the way of the culture. You can follow God or you can follow Cosmos, the magazine. You can follow the Word of God or you can follow the world. You have to discern which of these is going to serve you best. Listen, in the long run, you see, I've grown and I've matured and I've got to satisfy these desires. I've got to release these pressures. But in the long run, which of these plans will really serve you? Which of the plans will do the best thing for your life and your soul? And I want to submit to you, if you follow God's plan, over the long run, you will be the one that will benefit. Because I can tell you that our counseling offices are filled with people who've been hurt emotionally and psychologically, damaged through exposing themselves to sexual activity outside of God's parameters. Look what God's standard is. God wants you to live a pure life. Keep yourself from sexual promiscuity. His standard is simple. Turn your outline over. Sex is for marriage. To be fully enjoyed. Listen, God is not against sex. He wants you to be in the context of marriage to one partner that you're fully committed to throughout your whole life. He knew that was the only context in which it could take place without there being the residue of damage that so often accompanies sexual activity outside of marriage. You so intertwine your soul with another human being when you get involved sexually. Sometimes it's subconscious. Some Christians right now are thinking, some of you here today are thinking, you're a little hard on this one, Jay. I mean, there are a lot of other sins out there. How come you're landing on this one? Because I want to say today that I think sexual sin is more laden with the potential to damage you than just about anything else that you do. Some of you are thinking, well, you know what, all sin is sin, right? I mean, doesn't Jesus say, if you look at a woman with lust, you've committed adultery against her. So, have you done that? Well, yeah. But I happen to be of the conviction that's one thing, it's a sin certainly to look at a woman in lust. It's certainly a sin of a different magnitude to act out your lust and create a physical bond. And so singles, you need to come to terms with what God says about this for your own benefit. What it says, don't use your body for sexual sin like the people who do not know God. The person who refuses to obey this is disobeying God, not simply a human teaching. This isn't North Way's doctrine. This is the word of God that I'm sharing with you. No matter how it feels, no matter what you think everyone else is thinking, no matter what the polls say, God says, hold yourself for marriage. I was there on this topic at a different time and they said, you know, when you said that, we just said, you know, that's just not going to work. I mean, we're living together. Economically, we need to do this. And physically, we've already kind of done it anyhow so what difference does it make? But you know what? The Holy Spirit wouldn't let go of them and they came under conviction. They finally, after several weeks of wrestling with it, said, you know what? I'm just miserable. And so they made a choice to separate. And they wrote me this letter and they said, and it was so hard, it was the hardest thing they'd ever done to separate after having lived together for a while. And they said, over time, they realized, however, that something new was starting to be recreated in them. They knew God forgave them. And I want to say, if you've been in sexual sin, there is forgiveness. It's not the unpardonable sin. But you've got to act on the Word of God and repent and then God releases forgiveness and grace into your life. And they wrote back to me and they said, our relationship to each other has gone to a different level now. Now we know the joy of relationship that God had intended for us. And they have since been married together. And are now happily married. I want to say one more thing, singles. Let's not be real fuzzy about the definition of what sex is. We've had a national debate on the subject. It's been all over the media. Less than a year ago. So we all know. But there are some of you who think, well, you know, I've never really had intercourse with anybody, so I think I'm okay. I mean, well, no. You know what sexual activity is. And you know that you can't stop the cycle once it begins. Well, what does God expect me? Does He just want me to take all these drives He created me with and stuff them down in there and never give me any expression? And may I say to you, loved ones, listen, that's not what God's saying. He's saying, I'll give you grace to manage them and then get married. Well, I want to get married, but nobody's asked me to get married. Or I haven't found anybody. Well, then God will give you the grace to walk obediently. Let me just share with you. He does this because He wants to help you avoid the brokenness, the pain, the suffering. And in our culture, even the diseases and the addictions that come with sexuality. But let me just share with you three things that you can do if you're in a condition or situation, rather, where you want to be expressive, but it's not appropriate. Number one, surround yourself with people who share your values. That's very important. If you hang out with people who are sexually active and promiscuous, you're bound to get ensnared in it. So you need to connect yourself with people who have your values. People who will do the right thing with you. People who will enjoy fellowship and friendship together without being sexually expressive. And avoid those who say they're Christians, but try to hit on you from time to time. Bible says if people are acting that way, have nothing to do with them. 1 Corinthians 5. Verse 11. Second thing you can do is remove controllable temptations. What is that? Well, things like the internet can create a whole world of fantasy that leads to action. And friends, that's not healthy. And you need to deal with that. Guys, you need to cancel your Victoria's Secret catalog subscription. That would make you stumble every time. Women, you don't need to read Men's Health. It doesn't help you, okay? Finally, pursue other things that divert these energies. Get into fitness and sports and other activities. Busy yourself serving others and connecting at a human level with other people's souls. And it will help to divert the energies that God has created and put in you. Build friendships that satisfy. Look at 2 Timothy 2.21. If you keep yourself pure, you'll be a utensil that God can use for His purpose. And your life will be clean. And you'll be ready for the Master to use in every good work. You'll discover that His purpose is more fulfilling than anything, even a sexual experience. Roman Rule 3. Avoid the pitfalls of singleness. There's just two of them. Avoid the pitfalls. You see, one of them that comes to my mind right away, when a single person, over time, feels like, well, you know, I just, I don't know if I fit in anymore. I don't know where I, you know, this is a world of couples and what I really have to offer. They begin to slip into, their esteem drops and they withdraw and they become lonely. Listen, singleness may be unavoidable for a season, but loneliness is always optional. Loneliness is always optional. Scripture clearly says that God is not for being alone. He is in community. He said in Genesis 2, it's not good to be alone in that sense because loneliness builds on itself and it begins to be a cycle that spirals downward and introspectively. Psalm 68.6, not on your outline. You might want to note it. It says, God sets the solitary in families. What families? The family of God. If you're single, you have a family. You have people that can come around you and shape you and fashion you and help mold you into the character of God that He's designed you to be. He does, through the family of God, what He uses spouses and children to do in marriage situations. How many of you know that spouse of yours can rub you in just exactly where you need to be shaking, huh, and shake? Marriages, huh? Hello, marriages. Boy. I mean, I know what it's like to say, oh, man, would you just get over that, you know, and leave me alone about this, and we go back and forth to someone, that kind of thing. Well, singles, you need people to help you say, well, wait, maybe, you know, maybe you have a wrong spirit here and you need people around you to keep shaping you and stretching you and molding you. That's what the body of Christ is for. You need others to lovingly smooth out those rough edges. And if you stay removed, if you stay isolated, you will be unfinished in godliness. If you never marry, you still need to see those relationships in your life. Look at 1 Peter 1.22. Now that you've purified yourselves by obeying the truth, you can have true love for your Christian brothers and sisters. So love each other deeply with all your heart. Now, where do you find this again? You find it in the church family. You don't find it in singles bars and clubs. I mean, what an unreal world that is, isn't it? I mean, where else do you go where a stranger offers to buy you something, you know? Hey, can I buy you a drink? It's not so phony. I mean, imagine walking in Sears and someone comes up and says, hey, can I buy you a toaster? Hey, can I pay your electric bill? No, I mean, you're not going to hear that. It's just some little line to get something for you or from you for them. You need to build the relationships in the body. As I mentioned, we have a new singles ministry that's forming called The Gathering for folks sort of you know, the 35 to 60 crowd or whatever, those above the Gen X age that are single for whatever circumstantial reasons. And I don't know that there's really any age limit, but I know that's the target of it. The other pitfall to avoid is self-centeredness. And I see this singles, this troubles me. I see singles who get really self-centered and it's poor me and it's my problem and it's my hassle and this self-centeredness builds itself to where people don't even want to be around you. And then that breeds the loneliness thing again. And so be careful. Use your singleness as an opportunity to serve. Singles, you've got more discretionary time than marrieds do. You don't have to hassle with a husband or wife. You don't have to clean up their stuff. It's true. Paul writes about it right there in your outline, 1 Corinthians 7. He says that very thing. So singles, some of the best servants in our church are single adults. Work with our kids' ministry, our students. Use your singleness as an opportunity to serve others. Because you see, God wants to use you, you know, no matter what you think about your circumstance, He wants to use you where you are. And I want you to hear a testimony from someone who learned that. They thought that, well, hey, they get married, everything will just work out and God will use us together and that wasn't the way it happened. And I want you to hear a testimony from someone who is what we call spiritually single. Married, but living as a single adult in terms of a relationship with Christ. Would you give a warm welcome to Kimberly Finich as she comes to share a testimony. Hi, Kim. Thanks for staying. Thanks. Go ahead. Thanks for inviting me. Good morning. As I was asked to be here, I certainly considered this because I thought, wow, I'm married and he's doing a talk on single and I'm not sure how this is all going to work out. But of course, God had a master plan and here I am. So, as I stand before you today, I am married and I have been married for 16 years come February. And, but my walk, I actually classify as being single married. I am married in the traditional sense, but I have lived my spiritual life as a single person. I became rebirthed in Christ approximately seven years ago and as most of us, I don't know desperately needed Jesus when we met. I was falling apart as was my marriage, but I was pretty sure that if God could just get hold of my husband and change him, that everything would be pretty great. Well, that was not God's plan at all. He wanted me. So, through his grace and mercy, he began to unravel me incident by incident and circumstance by circumstance. Most of the time, using the very person I wanted him to be changing and that was my husband. But, slowly I began to see myself with greater clarity where once I was full of anger, blame, and hatred, God has brought about peace, accepting responsibility, and love. Where once I lived in the only ifs, what ifs, and I deserve, God began teaching me truth and reality and living in that. Where once I believed I knew what relationship meant, God is showing me what relationship really is. I believe the words I have so often heard, first in the natural and then in the spiritual. I believe God is using my marriage, relationship, as a mirror of the relationship he is calling me to. a pure and intimate relationship with him. I wish I could say my husband has come alongside me in this walk, but as of yet he has not. For God, I believe, right now, has called me to this walk alone with him. One evening while I was driving, I was discussing and praying to God about my husband and my marriage, and very clearly God said to me, no matter what happens in your marriage, whether your husband comes beside you or not, your relationship with me will never change. And that was a powerful freedom. I realized then that this walk with God is very singular. It is one-on-one, him and me. Reality is, we are all spiritual singles. God wants my attention, my life, my heart. God's word says in Jeremiah 29-11, I know the thoughts and plans I have for you. He does not say when you get married or when your husband is saved, there are no strings attached. His plans are for you singularly. I know God is also a God of relationship. He uses people to encourage us, support us, hold us accountable, and to show us ourselves. In my life, he has placed an emphasis Godly women around me. Through Gene's Bible study on Tuesday morning, th