Real Families V, Bring Out God's Best In Your Kids

Should say bringing out God's best in your kids and should have gotten one of these when you came in And if you didn't the ushers can right away come down and slip a bulletin in your hand because you want to have notes today to follow in this message Some years ago James Dobson wrote a book with a title that I really loved. It's called parenting isn't for cowards I'm gonna give you a degree that huh? I mean, it's one of the greatest challenges of life and It's the most important one in the planet today Parenting is a challenge. Is it not? It's not by accident at the beginning of the parenting process It's called labor and then you go on and sometimes in a relatively thankless position for maybe 18 years And then they leave and you're without a job it seems You know when I was Much younger and in student ministries. I had three great theories on raising kids Now I have three great kids and no real theories on parenting But I do have some principles that I want to share with you principles that Carol and I have Sought to use over the years principles as you'll see right out of God's Word that we put into practice Theories that work and I'm not saying that we have a perfect economy by no means is that true? But we do have a healthy family and I just want to submit to you if your family Is just getting going you're gonna want to get ahold of these things and use them in your life as you go forward if your family's already grown It's not too late to go back and employ some of these things in your family and one more thing for those of you who? Are single those of you who maybe don't have any children you say? Well, what does this mean for me these five principles as you'll see will apply in any relationship I want to encourage you not to check out because you think this is just about kids It's really not as you'll see it's about God and how God works in our lives So let's look at these together Would you join with me Roman number one the first thing you got to do if you want to bring out the best In other people and especially your kids. The first thing you got to do is to accept them openly First thing accept them openly, you know, every kid is yearning for acceptance I mean and that hasn't changed how many when you went to school you really wanted to fit in with a crowd, huh? 30 years ago same thing 50 years It's always been that way has always been this need to fit in to be part of the crowd and our kids hunger for acceptance Dr. Kevin Lehman says that belonging is one of the the highest needs in the child's life When a child feels out and they feel left out They're deeply hurt in fact it's interesting to me that the only common thread that that the experts have found in all these shootings the seven shootings in the last two years has been that the the Perpetrators have all been young people who felt excluded from the crowd in some way pushed out Why because you see that makes that hurts them that hurt develops into bitterness Sometimes depression and other times anger and rage and that's what we've seen played out in our national landscape The home must be a place where the uniqueness of a child is celebrated They're all so different and you know what? That's by design My dad used to say we have three kids and someone say well, what were they and he say one of each We were all just unique by design I shared a few weeks ago That when we had family out in our home and it was a high priority It was something we always would we were committed to we would say well What do we do for family and we couldn't always agree on what that would be? And sometimes we start talking about and try to negotiate and that would end up being you know a disaster Compromise made no one happy. So we got into that rotating system where you know one week It was Amy's week and next week David's week next week John's week next week's Carol and the next four weeks were mine And that was because I was paying for it and I felt like I had some benefit there but but what that did was it it showed that everyone had a unique kind of approach to what they enjoyed doing and Believe me. They were all different kind of activities We need to teach our children that their uniqueness is the evidence that God's hand Was there in their lives from the beginning? Look at the scripture God works through different people in different ways. Why is everyone different? I mean, why are we all the same? Well two reasons I can think of number one It wouldn't be boring if the whole world was populated with people like you or me Can you imagine a five or six billion use in the world? Scary, huh? Oh, that'd be something. That's really good. I'd be great. No, I don't think so but the main reason is God knew that in order for this world to function everyone had to have a Unique kind of fit and play a certain role and that's why everyone is so uniquely different The world needs different guys imagine if the world were just full of all people who love numbers What you know, what kind of what if the world was just full of salesmen? Five of you'd be happy the rest of us. Oh my gosh the whole world Our telephone solicitors, you know, I just God knew we need telephone solicitors. We need salesman. We need doctors. We need teachers We need people to work with all these things God uniquely crafted us that way no, two people are alike just like no two snowflakes are alike and Our mission in the in life is not to change people to conform to some image It's interesting some people think that Christianity is about making people all alike It's the farthest from the truth it's really making people what God's designed them to be to create them and his image and then to Unfold them into what he's purpose for them to be Well, there's two great pressures that every parent will have to help their kids navigate The first one is the pressure to conform you might want to write this down in that blank space there the pressure to conform Kids want to be like everyone else around them ever notice that parents I mean if everyone else is wearing jeans and a certain kind of shirt, that's what we're wearing If everybody's wearing shorts, well, hey, I got a foot short and if everyone's you know Got their hair cut real short around the ears. That's what and it always changes, but everyone just got to fit in You want to know when that starts? My observation is this when does peer pressure really kick in? Observation I have fourth grade About fourth grade. That's when you start seeing up until then home is kind of where they get the signals fourth grade especially for girls guys sometimes a bit but Boy, it gets intense and by the time they're in middle school It's all about that. The other thing is comparing conforming. The other thing is comparing That's the other great pressure and we have made comparison and art form have we not in this country? Kids compare looks and grades and clothes and stuff and talents and friends I'll come to think of it adults Compare jobs positions income homes cars looks clothes and friends, too. Don't wait. They get it from us And all of this the Bible says is meaningless in the eyes of God Look at the next verse Galatians 6 for each person should judge his own actions and not compare underline that or circle it Not compare himself with others you know, I Have never been a fan of IQ tests And I'm grateful in these in this last five or six years or so More and more experts are coming and saying, you know, there's a lot of measures of intelligence out there There's things called EQ or emotional quotient. There's people who are very artistic others who are very musical some who have great relational gifts some are very mechanical and all those people are very valuable and None of us have all those gifts and that is more important really than another I'm glad that there's some people that are very mechanical. I'm not one of them. I was with my son this last weekend For our big college reunion and he said dad bring down a Drill and some some screws. I need to fix the tops pulling off in my Jeep and I need to Get some bolts in there. So I said great. I borrowed this drill with a big power battery on it, you know a big motor Get down there We're just getting ready to leave to get home and we're kind of in our hurry And so we set the thing up and put the drill bit in I got that in right, you know Hey, and um start drilling away and my son right as we're drilling he's pushing down that thing And you know, it's just not going anywhere What is that made of, you know, it's like like a tungsten carbide alloy of some kind of woo And so it's not going anywhere. I said this isn't gonna get done. Is it I said, well, I don't know I said, well, you know, let me look at that and I pulled up and on the bottom of the drill. It says R and F What's the R stand for Dave I don't know right no reverse it's in reverse we're pushing down and the drills going backwards No wonder it's not working trying to forward you Just like that three little holes and then we had the job done. Well two mechanical guys. We're not okay That's I just want you to know that's the way it worked out And you know, that's the first thing a mechanical person would thought of now When can you tell that you're accepting your child for who they are parents? When do you what's a good indicator if I tell you when what I've discovered when you stop trying to make them just like you I Don't want to step on anybody's toes but you know what we're all inclined to think that God made us in there and his image and we can make our kids in our image and So we work at that and we refine them and we want them to like what we like and pursue what we pursue and eat What we eat and do what we do and you know what? That's a mistake kids can grow up thinking. Well what they like isn't right and who they are isn't really good enough It's a warning sign if your kids trying to be a little you To the point where all they feel they're doing that's right is pleasing you. That's a mistake You want your kids to discover who God created them to be sure it's good to model for them Sure, you want them to to do things with you and I'll talk about that in a moment But you don't want to feel like that's the only thing that really is right in life Kids aren't things to be molded like you. They're people to be unfolded by you First Corinthians 13 5 love does not demand its own way. If you love your child, you won't make that child your own way You'll help them discover God's way and look at Proverbs 22 6. This is one of the most misunderstood verses in the Bible Train up a child in the way should go and when he is old, he will not turn from it Now many people have quoted in that scripture say well I'm I'm claiming that scripture because when I my child was five He went to Sunday school and received Jesus and now that he's 25. I know he's going to come back to the Lord You know, I don't know that it says that the Hebrew word for The way he should go is the word that means the inborn temperament or bent you've heard it Translated that way. It's saying train up a child according to their natural inborn temperament And when they get older, they're gonna move in that and find fulfillment. That's really what the verse is about They're gonna move in what God's prepared for them all along It's not a spiritual guarantee It's really a principle about life that means that if you have a child that's naturally introverted They're never going to become extroverted. You might help them with their skills a little bit You might shape them just a bit But you're not gonna change their whole way of doing things and you need to celebrate that with them If you have a child that's an artist don't make them into a football player If you have a child that's a salesperson, you know, I'm going in gregarious and you know Don't make him do something technical and and confine them just because that's something you do I don't want to shock you, but the world doesn't need another one of you. You're enough. I'm enough one of me is enough One of you is enough God wants to fill the world with different people Created after his image and you know what that means It means that when God's working in your kids and they're doing things that you don't understand because they're not you and you're not them You need to celebrate it. So, you know what Wow This is awesome God puts you in this family because he knows this is just the place you can grow up to be all that he wanted you To be even though you're not right now. I can't deal with you, right? Ever turned your kids and say, you know, what planet did you get off of? Where did you come from? well God put them in your family because he knew that you'd help them to grow to be all that he wants you you got to Trust his wisdom in doing that and not I say one of the reasons why people don't come to church Why they may not come even here on a Sunday morning is because they're afraid that they won't be accepted That who they are isn't good enough and I want us as a church to be very open armed To everyone who comes to the doors no matter what their background is like second thing You need to do to bring out the best is to affirm them regularly Affirm them regularly This takes acceptance one step further Belonging is a great need and that belonging comes when you affirm the value of your kids There are no accidental kids. Look at this next verse You made my whole being you made me in my mother's body I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way. What you have done is wonderful You see it's God's design. There are no accidental babies in the world God designed every one of them and that's friends why I believe that abortion is wrong Because once that baby's been conceived God begins to fashion it just like he planned That child has a unique design a unique dead destiny How do I give affirmation? Let me give you three ways that we've discovered that work number one You got to give your child attention time together Attention busyness can fill your schedule and it may even fill your bank account But you know what? It'll blow up your family if you let it This world is almost out of control with busyness and Your children need to know that they have your focused attention on a daily basis and the way you best communicate that is with eye contact You know, sometimes you get home dad's mom's you're exhausted You've had a long day and you want to just sit down in front of the tube or read the paper or just get out And the kids go. Hey dad. Look at this project, you know, I'll get right to it son Just let me read it dad. Look what happened in school today Well, come on just wait till after dinner. Yeah, and you know what? That's when you need to call upon the grace of God get up from your easy chair and walk over and look right at him And say son show me what you did today Let me see it. You need to let him know for those next minutes. He's the most important person in the planet You got to do that You focus on their eyes and they look into you and your soul leaps into them and they realize that they have value Some of you never heard that when you were a child and you know how desperately you crave it even today Focused attention time together even around mealtimes Homelife magazine did a survey of a thousand families with teenagers and here's what they discovered Teenagers who ate at least one meal together with their family a day were better adjusted and felt closer than teenagers Who did not closer to their families? They're not sure why that is but they feel like it had something to do with the stories that were told the parental feedback that they got The support that they felt it just helped them feel secure so they could go back out into the world and face the things that were out there and They concluded that any meal with the teen is the most important meal of the day parents I want to ask you a question. How many meals do you have with your teenagers? Well, Jay, you don't realize my kids in soccer My kids in the band my kids a cheerleader. My kid has Music practice at night. My kid takes dancing lessons in gymnastic. And you know, that's why Kevin Lehman says get your kids out all this stuff You don't a family So well that but that would pull them out of their group and they wouldn't have friends. Oh, yes, they would just help them to hone in on a couple key things and Make time together Make time together It's so critical to do that second thing that you have to do to show affirmation is Demonstrate affection. Oh, man, but I could talk about this for a half an hour How many don't put your hand up please but how many of you didn't get a hug from your dad growing up? How many didn't feel the touch that you needed to feel? You know, it seems so basic and some you're saying I know I need to hug my kids and hold now and then but you Know what? It's so important that Physical touch is so important. I Want to just a little principle you need to physically reconnect every day with your children every day We made a point every day of touching our kids in some way now, it's got to be age-appropriate You know when my boys were five, I'd give a big hug when they were 15. It said back off, you know, I'm Just give me a high five. That's fine. And that's okay It's interesting now that they're older. They're back to hugging again, and you have to do it Just just be appropriate, but you know what in every important relationship there needs to be physical contact And that's something you spouses need to hear about each other when you go out into that world and come back into that home You just want to know that you're loved And that's the thing that singles tell me they miss the most when they live by themselves They don't have anyone to do that with that's why sometimes I have you join hands here at Norfolk. That's a physical touch That says you matter you're important third thing is appreciation. How hard is it to say? Thank you? How hard is it to show your affirmation by saying thanks you did a good job Thanks for taking care of that celebrate the process not just the achievement Celebrate the process is not just the achievement look at Proverbs 12 25 a word of encouragement does wonders Your kids need to hear you say hey, you're doing good. You're doing better than you were in that or hey way to go here you know what you're doing when you say those things you're keeping hope alive and Employers listen your employees will tell you the thing they need to hear most is they need to hear you say hey good job Way to go Keep it up what because it keeps hope alive. It keeps you thinking that there's a possibility that you're going to make it So accept them openly affirm them regularly turn your outline over Please and this next one is going to be a little bit different than you expected. It's know them personally Know them personally You know as obvious as this may seem I want to submit to you that this is the primary reason why we've had So many problems in the home today that parents lose connection with their children it's interesting for me to watch now as a pastor who's been around in this church for 18 years and Seven years prior to that and ministry, and I watch it here at North Way When that first one comes along moms and dads they are so attached There's some of you who had your little one in this service because you couldn't think about putting them in the nursery It's your little precious bundle They got to stay close to you by the time you have the fifth you're saying where is the nursery you know first place You'll look take me to the nursery They might get a germ in the nursery. That's right, and they might give it to you And that's part of being a parent. I mean it just happens But you know It's interesting That first bonding that goes on and then changes as years go What is it with parents as the kids get older and they get to be in the adolescent age? Then they start to branch out and I see it a lot of parents who don't have a clue What's going on with their kids? They go to the other extreme from this clingy. You know can't let the kid out of my sight thing, too I don't know where they are You know it's 12 o'clock. I don't know where they are. I don't know who they're hanging out I don't know who their friends are I don't know what they're doing and parents. That's a mistake You need to know your kid in every season of their young life You need to know them you need to know what's going on you need to know their fears You need to know their hurts. You need to know their dreams. You need to know their hopes Can your child talk to you as a friend? Will they open up their heart and let you know what's going on? It's so important that you do that Parents if you're not physically present if you're not there Those kids I mean it takes two things to know your kids time and energy Notice what I didn't say Time and I didn't say what money it doesn't take money to know your kids. It takes time and energy and Many parents are so busy They don't have the time really to get to know their kids and suddenly their kids aren't there really to know them. I Just got to tell you that's so important Carol and I spent as many of you have as well lots of time with our kids doing their things being on their turf going To their practices going to their games going to their concerts and their recitals being in their assemblies And then we'd spend time with our stuff Jonathan I used to go over on a regular basis over to Denny's we'd read a book during the week and let's sit down and Talk about it and go through it and we did that for many different months And then we stopped doing it and Denny's burned down. I don't understand that but the way it happened And another thing parents. I'll just commend to you is be ready to talk to your kids when they're ready to talk to you our oldest son David He doesn't talk in daytime and when the lights are on I mean it's suns out I mean, it's nighttime is when he talks how many of kids are like that? They they're just you know They get cranking by nine o'clock and so if we wanted to talk to David is usually when he would get home at 11 or 12 O'clock at night from something. Hey, I had a cool day today. Oh, well good. Let's hear about it. Oh, man, you know Get the energy you just have to be there for your kids when they want to be there That's the price that you pay But it is so worth it because you know what it's possible to live with someone and not really know them Look what Jesus said Matthew 7 23 He said this he warned many who were following after him. I will tell them plainly. I never knew you Away from me you evildoers. It's possible. You don't even know your kids, even though they live under the same roof Don't let that happen parents, please. Don't let that happen number four When I bring out the best God's best in your kids and others learn to correct them sensitively Now again, I feel like I might step on some toes here and some of your thing You're not gonna tell me how to raise my kids. Well, I'm not telling you that I'm just sharing with you what I think the Bible says and what has worked for us But look what it says in Proverbs 19 18 correct your children while there's still hope Do not let them destroy themselves. Listen. There's this permissiveness in our culture that lets kids destroy themselves I could have students step up here right now who could give you testimonies of kids whose parents didn't draw the line Didn't put parameters up and their kids are wandered off into all kinds of stuff and made a huge mess of their life Why because the parents didn't have the guts to draw the lines You got to do that studies prove that we tend to compensate Overly compensate that is from our own parents weaknesses. In other words, if your parent was real authoritarian and told you what to do And you will do it this way and you will what do you tend to do you tend to back off and okay And if your parents were real permissive you're saying no, I know what they got away with I'm not letting that happen and you draw this real tight box. There's some balance point in there we call it being an authoritative parent and That's what you need to strive for look look at the next verse if you refuse to discipline your son It proves you don't love him That's hard, but that's what the Bible says you show love By bringing discipline now, the key is to bring discipline in the right way And here's where it gets tough parents because how many of you know when you want to discipline your kids is when they make you mad Right, I mean they do something they shouldn't do and what does that do to you? Most of us aren't godly enough to say son It's time for discipline Most of us I mean emotionally, I mean, all right, let me just talk about me since I'm bringing the sermon I'll tell you this was this was a tough part of my parenting because you know I would be tolerant for and then some would happen I just go and I would just I'm an expressive person. I would tend to say boom, you know, this was it I would go over the line here In fact, I'll just give you one specific illustration. My kids say dad. You always tell stories about us. Tell one about you Here's one about me And when I was parenting some years ago Me and I was talking about mealtimes mealtimes were important and one mealtime. I was just the boys were home I don't know where Amy was but the boys were home and they were at each other and they were Complaining about the food and they were complaining and they were you know And it was just going on and I don't remember what happened that day, but I had very low tolerance I asked them to stop how many of you asked him a few times stop it stop it and they keep doing it and I don't know Carol got up to get something and they at the at the Stove and they did something else and I said that's it Dinner's over and I took the tablecloth and folded up Plates food everything They you should have seen their eyeballs like this. I didn't touch him. I didn't lay a hand on that They never forgot that that was a great lesson now I felt really dumb afterwards way overreacting some of you're looking at me real smug right now like boy He's really out of control. Well Maybe so, but let me ask you. Have you ever been angry before and wanted to do that parents? He said well, I would never do it. Well, what would you do? Let me just tell you about how some of you express your anger because your kids tell me here's what they say Some of you are masters of sarcasm you'd like slice it. Okay Well, it was this talk about you for a while You slice and dice them until they're just laying on the ground bleeding basically in their self-esteem. Others have you get really nasty by Losing this whole thing and saying well, oh You know and and you just let your kids know how guilty they are for making you feel the way you do and then you know, basically the kids just They get overwhelmed because they've ruined your life, you know And those of you show your anger by just shutting down, you know, you're the Eskimo type And you won't talk to kids for six weeks. Some of you do all three. I mean, it just depends We all have ways. Are you with me? We all have ways of just letting our you know, dealing with our frustrations and that's just the way it is, but Ideally the best thing to do is to step out of the situation ask God for some grace and say you know what? We're gonna have to deal with this Fortunately, that was not the norm in my life. And also fortunately my wife was a good balance to me How many know God puts spouses together to help each other with that when you want to kill them? They want to keep them alive and vice versa. You know that that's the way it kind of works. That's a good thing Works really well Another thing to do to correct them sensitively is watch your words parents. Watch your words Boy, you can really hurt you can cut very deeply with your words. Look at that next verse Don't use harmful words use only helpful words the kind that build up Harmful words create hurtful memories you might want to write that down harmful words Harmful words create hurtful memories. You know what that is true in every area of life Harmful words create hurtful memories words can wear down and eventually destroy Number five let me close with this The way to bring out God's best in your kids and others is to love them unconditionally I expect this is the one thing we all know that we should do but it is not easy to do isn't it? How many of you know it's easier to love someone that's just doing what you want them to do It's easy to love someone that's like, you know getting good grades and doing all the activities and has all these friends and comes home when they're supposed to honest and the kids don't always do that and They need to know that you love them apart from Their achievement just the way God first loved you. Look at the second verse on your outline God demonstrates his own love toward us in that while we read this one thing while we were yet Saints What does it say? What does it say? Sinners while we were yet sinners while we were still dabbling in stuff that we shouldn't be dabbling in while we were rebellious While we were putting our finger in God's face and saying why did you do this and what God still loved us? And friends, please hear me now Our children need to know That we love them Even when they don't do what we ask them to do even when they make foolish choices Even when they literally point their finger in our face we love them unconditionally because that's how God loved us and One of the reasons why that's hard to do is because some of us didn't have that when we were growing up and some of us Have not yet received that from God But when you receive it from God, you're able to start to give it to your kids and parents How many of you found the secret the secret of really loving your kids is to gain that love From God and then employ it embracing other kids your kids with it Yeah, you don't have that Love them unconditionally Love them no matter what It will change them forever Look at Ephesians and it just let me close with a couple specifics One way you do it is by forgiving them when they need forgiven just like you are Ephesians 432 Be kind and loving to each other forgiving each other just as God forgave you in Christ. When did God forgive you? the moment you asked for And that's when we need to ask our kids Teach our kids to ask for forgiveness and give it to them. Second thing. It says there is You love them by always believing in them 1st Corinthians 13 7 Expecting the best of parents your kids to know that you believe in them No matter what anyone else may say you believe in their best You believe that they will rise to their highest level in God Give them big dreams big hopes and then finally In terms of loving them unconditionally let them know that every day You're gonna love them that nothing will separate them from you Romans 8 39. Listen to this. It's in the message translation I'm absolutely convinced you should read this to your kids that nothing nothing living or dead angelic or demonic today or tomorrow Higher-low thinkable or unthinkable Absolutely, nothing can separate us From God's love nor our love for each other That's the kind of love God wants us to have and these five things friends. These are the way That God brings out the best in us. He accepts us in openly. He affirms us regularly He knows us personally he corrects us sensitively and he loves us unconditionally and when you allow that Power to be released in your life You'll be able to treat your kids the same way God treats you and for that matter any relationship. That's what it means when it says Love others as you would want to be loved Love them this way and you'll find that you'll bring out the best in everyone around you. Let's stand and pray Like you just to put your stuff down for just a moment on the seat and pray with me, please Lord, we thank you for your word today We thank you for your presence here. I just like to ask you a question How many of you? On this Mother's Day Whether you be a mother or father are grieving somewhat because someone you love one of your children is a prodigal It's a son or a daughter who's away from home and away from you And your heart has a hole in it today because that loved one's not really communicated with you for a while If that's you would you just lift your hand up? I want to pray for you right now I just have a burden father in the name of Jesus for these Several dozen hands that are raised. I pray tha