Real Families II, Growing A Healthy Family

Because of last week, I only got halfway through. How many of you weren't here last week at all? Let me see your hand real quick. This is an interesting thing. It's a phenomenon. Just a little commentary for you. This is going to shock a few of you, but on an average Sunday here at North Way, 40% of the congregation is not here. It's a cultural thing. It's changed over the years. You say, well, I'm here every week. What's wrong with the rest of the people? Well, God bless you, but that's the fact. The fact of the matter is that 40% of the people that call this their church home on a given week are not here. And so that's why communicating these things sometimes is very, very difficult. And that's why it takes extra commitment on your part to make sure that you're connecting with the things that the Lord is doing. And last week, we started this series on what I'm calling Real Families, and we talked about growing a healthy family and how you do that. And if you were here, you remember that I said that my observation as I've gone along here is that increasingly in the 90s, we've become a culture of people who've taken the Beatles' philosophy of parenting, that really all you need is love. Love is all you need to be a good parent. But you remember the next verse of the song, all you need is love, and what does it say? Na-na-na-na-na, huh? That doesn't work, does it? Does not work. Look at the first verse in your outline. It takes wisdom. Circle that word. It takes wisdom to have a good family, and it takes understanding to make it strong. I realize this is maybe a fairly base kind of illustration, and I don't want anyone to take offense about this, but puppies are like kids to some degree. They've got the same kind of high energy level. They're cute as can be, and they're full of sin. Just like kids. We have a puppy. Most of you know we've got a puppy right before Christmas. I can love on that puppy all the time, and I can tell him a hundred times, good boy, good boy, good boy. And I can give him treats, and I can say, good boy. And we'll walk outside, and he'll look at me, and he'll look over at McCabe's next door and your dogs, and he'll look at me and go, whoosh. And I can say, sit, and he'll go, whoosh. How many kids are just like that, huh? You can say this, and... I mean, it's not like they're bad kids. It's just there's something. It's like a puppy. There's something in their nature that wants to do it. I don't know. I definitely need wisdom in my puppy training right now, or doggy Prozac, if anyone has any of that. I'd like some of that. Now, last week, just by way of a very quick review, I said, well, number one, a family is for preparation. Preparation for life. And I talked about the fact that where else do you learn things? And by the way, for those of you who aren't parents right now, please don't tune out, because really, what I'm going to say here also applies to our church family. It applies to your small group. If you're a student, it applies even in the relationships that God's given you. So stay tuned on this, all right? But I talked about the fact that we're prepared in our families for three of the most important things in life, relationships, character, and values. And boy, where else do you learn those things, if not in the home? Where else do you learn them? What's important? Getting along. Where do you learn those things? And then second, I spent a lot of time talking about the fact that a family is a place for protection. What a wonderful gift it is to have someplace to come home to where you know that life will heal, or love will heal life's hurts. Wasn't the testimony a great illustration of that? That little girl came home to a mom and a dad who loved her when other kids were picking on her and rejecting her and making fun of her. You know, friends, how sad it is when the home is a place that some kids come to where they find the opposite. They find criticism and conflict and rejection. Our goal here at North Way is to make every home a refuge. And by the way, our goal is to make this place a refuge. And we've established a number of ministries, at least 15 that I know about, that are designed to help some of you through the difficult storms of life. If you check out in our Welcome Center area, right after the service, you'll see some very clear materials about ministry to help you if you're going through marriage issues or if you're having grief problems and getting over some loss in your life. Lots of different, some recovery kinds of groups. These are available to help you. So that's what we talked about last week at length. You'll need to get the tape if you want more detail. Let me pick up Roman numeral three. A family, and this is really kind of a totally different page, is a place for recreation. Now, a home should be a fun place. I mean, when it comes right down to it, if I were to drive by your house this afternoon, would it look like this? Let's drop the screen down. Would your home, I hope your home looks a little nicer than that, actually. It's the best we could do. Or is what's going on inside your home look like this, or does it look like this? I mean, some of you are thinking, well, it depends on what day you show up there. Yesterday it was smiling, today it's... But honestly, generally speaking, how would you categorize your own home? Is it a happy place? Is it a place where your family wants to be, or is it a tense place? Is it a boot camp? Is it a showcase that you've got perfectly in order for the neighbors just to come and sort of gawk at how well you keep a home? Is it boring so much so that your kids can barely stand to spend any time there? You know, some believers get so intense about some of these other things. They get so intense about, my home's going to be a place where God is honored and my kids are going to learn about God in my house. And they just go on and on about this to the point where, you know, everything has to be done just right. And particularly, it's sort of like you firstborns. Like me. I mean, we just kind of want the house to be just right. We're like the Von Trapp family. And I'm capping Von Trapp, and I'm going to come in and my kids are going to march in, you know, sit down like this. Yes, Father, ready for dinner. All right, that doesn't happen that way, right? I'm just a little concerned that some parents, not a lot, but some parents, go to the extreme. You know, they're the ones that listen to Dobson five or six times a day. You know, you have all these things you've got to do right or your kids are going to get messed up. Well, that can be its own trap. It takes balance. No, it takes, and that's the key word, it takes balance. Yes, you need to have input, and I'm going to talk about that in a moment. Yes, you need to have times of pulling your family. But you know what? You also need to have fun. I remember driving home years ago when my family lived out in Beaver and I was growing up as a young boy and my grandparents lived in Pittsburgh, both sets of grandparents. And we'd go and visit them on Sunday afternoon and drive home Sunday evening and Billy Graham was on the radio. And at the end of Billy Graham's program, that famous little phrase that some of you older people know, the family that prays together stays together. Remember hearing that as a little boy in the backseat of the car? But you know what? That's true. And so it is also true that a family that plays together stays together. Look at your outline. It says right there, children are a gift from God, a gift to be enjoyed, not endured. And some of us just endure our kids. We just can't wait for the time they're going to finally be gone. If you learn to play together, a whole different thing can happen in your kids' lives. And it doesn't have to have anything to do with family devotions. I want to tell you, I've said this before from the platform, I kind of bombed as a family devotions pastor. I pulled out the old flannel boards and said, okay kids, sit around the table here and your dad, the pastor, is going to have devotion time. And Jonathan would look at David and Jonathan in like a minute and a half would have the other two kids laughing. And then I'd get mad and slam the old flannel graph down and walk out and then I'd say, oh, that's great, that's spiritual. And I'd have to go in now and repent for getting angry and upset. They don't remember anything I try to do like that. But I would expect that if they took a moment, they could tell you a whole lot about the kinds of things we used to do on family night. And they'd murmur about family night, that's really dumb, I hope my friends don't. But they'd tell you what we did on family night. And the way we did it, our kids rotated and got to choose who did what. And so Amy said, well, it's family night time, we're going shopping. And David said, oh, it's my family night, we're going to batting cages and we're going to hit the baseballs for an hour. Oh, Jonathan's turn, well, we're going to eat. And we'll just eat and eat and eat. Oh man, you know. And they can remember the details about family nights and vacations. They'll tell you real specifically about everything we did on vacations and where we stopped and every dumpy little place that we went and the goofy people we met and the dumb things that we said and the music that was popular. They can remember all that stuff because it just was an experience that we shared together. And I can tell you even when they didn't want to go, they were glad that they did once they got there. One time we borrowed a camper from someone nearby here. One of those campers that goes over the cab and I remember getting in that thing and I didn't really want to do it either but I said, well, you know, good families learn how to camp. So we got in this camper rolling along and the kids, all three of them, got up in that little overhang area you know, above the... and I can hear them rocking up there and then we got to wherever we were going and Carol found out that camping is not for moms. How many moms have found that out? So what was to be a three-day or four-day camp out was an overnighter. Moms said, this camping thing, I mean, I still have to clean, I still have this. But they remember things like that. You know what, this may be overly simplified for some of you but our kids really don't care all that much about our achievements. They don't care, really, how many titles we have or how much money we make. Really, what they want to know about us is are we real? Are we fun to be with? Is dad a fun guy? Or is he a virus? Is dad a fun guy? And almost invariably, invariably, if dad and mom are fun to be with, kids love to be at home. And what you'll find is that they'll come back home once you let them go. And that's particularly true when it comes to their faith. Listen, parents, I can tell you, I can tell some of you in advance you're going to have problems with your kid's faith because the way you live your faith and if it's drudgery and misery and pain and suffering for you to follow Christ, if you're a kid, are you going to want to do that? What kid in his right mind is going to watch his parents murmur about going to church and doing this? Oh, my, my, waking in the nursery. Oh, my. And then the kids, you think they're going to want to get up and go and be with you? We have a privilege for a short period of time to demonstrate that our faith is a joyful challenge. And our kids will pick that up. Look at Ecclesiastes 11a. Turn your outline over, please. It says, People ought to enjoy every day of their lives no matter how long they live. In other words, don't wait until you think you have it all together to start having fun. Have fun now while you're going through whatever it is you're going through. And your kids will begin to pick that up. Now, last week I asked you to rate yourself on that. Would you do it again, please? If you're doing pretty well, if your home's a happy place, give yourself an eight, nine, or 10 and then pass your paper over to your kid. And if you're not doing all that well, give yourself a two or three or four and say, You know what, Lord? I need to work on this. And ask some people, What do you do to kind of live, you know, enliven things in your home and to lift things up just a bit? All right? That's number three. Number four, Good, I appreciate you taking the time to mark that. Number four, A family is a place for experimentation. Now, this is something that I have discovered is very, very important. Nothing brings out the best in someone than having another person and trying to get with responsibility. Would you agree with that? The way we grow in life is by someone giving us an opportunity to try. Look what Jesus says in Luke 16. Look at it in your outline. Whoever can be trusted with a little can also be trusted with a lot. And if he cannot be trusted with things that belong to someone else, who will give you things of your own? Listen, leaders, leaders, listen. Wise leaders and wise parents both learn this early on. People respond to responsibility. We all need places to grow and to be entrusted and to prove ourselves and to develop and to blossom. And this is true no matter what the age. I'm in a Friday morning Bible study. This last Friday, the day before yesterday, I had two men share the word together. One did a devotion and one taught us and struck this from God's Word. And I'm here to tell you it was a very edifying, uplifting, insightful experience for me to hear both these men. Neither of whom three years ago would have thought they possibly could have done. But because relationship had grown, because they'd learned just to trust God, they stepped up and with some confidence said, you know, I can do this. And that's what God wants for all of us. He wants us to be able to grow and to become the leaders that He intends us to be. I know the feeling of what it means to be trusted when I don't know what I'm doing. 30 years ago when I was just getting out of college, I went in to see Dr. Doug Chase who was the pastor of Lexington Presbyterian Church down in Virginia. And he, he was sitting there in his nice little three-piece pastor suit. And I had on a T-shirt and jeans getting out of college. And I was going to be working at the university and he said to me, well, he said, so you want to volunteer to lead the high school ministry? I said, if you'll have me. He said, well, I've watched you and I've been worshiping at the church for a year or so. He said, he said, I've been watching you and I see you love God and I trust you with my kids. Go do what you can do to reach kids for Christ. I didn't know, I didn't have a clue what I was doing. I mean, and if he'd known what I did with them, I don't know that he'd ever forgiven me. I mean, we had submarine races under the pews in the church and we'd have like shaving cream battles and fellowship. But you know what? Over the course of the next year, we won about 50 kids to Christ. And I learned so much about somebody trusting me. And going on, I have learned to trust others even at times when they weren't sure because that's how you learn, parents. That's how your kids learn. And think about it. Isn't that what Jesus did with the disciples? I mean, imagine picking those 12 guys. If you know anything about the Bible, look at those 12 guys. They're just names on a page. But if you realize that a number of them were these rough fishermen. These were not like, you know, highly educated, sophisticated guys. These were kind of really rough guys who had a, you know, somewhat suspect lifestyle. And he chose fishermen and then he chose a guy named Matthew. And he chose Matthew who was a tax collector. And tax collectors were really hated back then. But, you know, the tax collectors were traitors to the Jews. Working for the Romans. And then he got a guy named Peter, Simon Peter, who was a zealot who wanted to see the Roman government overthrown. Imagine Simon, Simon Peter and Matthew getting along at all. Any psychologist would look at that group of 12 and say, they don't have a prayer of getting along, let alone doing anything significant. And Jesus gathered them together, worked with them for three and a half years, turned one day and said, see you later guys, I'm going to heaven. It's your job to save the world. Hello? Would you have done that? And yet, you know what? It worked. That's the miracle. Here we are today because the disciples were faithful. Most parents whose kids are grown and gone, and that's a number of you here in this service today, would you agree with me on this statement? Most parents would say this, if I had to do over again, I would do less for my kids and teach them to do more for themselves. Parents, we have an inclination to do for our kids and not let them learn. Why is it? Well, the principle is simply this. If you take responsibility for someone, you also take responsibility away from them. When our kids are really small, they don't have any choice. You've got to take full responsibility for every detail. But as they grow, you release more. Well now you can, hey, now you can take care of getting dressed yourself. You know, you're getting a little older now. And then when you're 16, well, maybe now we can trust you to drive the car and so on. And you know, you want them to learn how to be independent of you, don't you? So that at some point they can make a choice to become dependent upon God. So it goes from dependence on you to independence to dependence upon God. And that, friends, is the normal cycle of life. It's not normal to have someone who's 35 or 40 years old living at home dependent upon Mom and Dad. But it starts when they're little and you learn how to release just responsibility and trust kids. And you know why most of us are just really cautious about that? Because we don't want to see kids fail. Now I talked about this last week, but I want to come back to it once again because I see this a lot today. We parents want to protect our kids from pain and disappointment and storms and strife. And when they do hit it all, we want to run right in and bail little Johnny out because we just hate to see them have any pain in their life. I remember watching my boys play sports and, you know, when something didn't go the way it should, I could stand up there or sit up there in the stands and watch it happen. Oh, you know, get over there quick. And, you know, you want to run out there and just tell the coach what to do and tell the kid what to do and realize, you don't know what you're doing. Let them alone. Let them alone. When we rush in all the time and we try to keep our kids from experiencing failure, you want to know what happens? We keep them from learning a valuable lesson and the lesson is this. Everybody fails in life. And the most important thing to learn is not that you're going to, you know, everyone's going to fail. The important thing to learn is how do you get up again? It's not how many times do you get knocked down, it's how many times can you get up? I had a man after the first service, a man in his 60s. Listen, 60s. He told me this. He said, you know what? I've been knocked down in the last 10 years more brutally than any other time in my life in terms of my business. He said, but I'm getting back up again because I know God is with me. And you see, if a child can learn that, no matter what they face in life, they're going to be more than a conqueror. They're going to come through life's trials because they're going to have learned what it means to fail and trust God to lift them up again. Their esteem, their attitude, their faith will grow. Listen, a totally unbroken string of successes is a character disaster. You might want to write that down. A totally unbroken string of successes is a character disaster. And one of the things that troubles me a lot that I see today in our culture is this. I see arrogant, distant, uncaring people, prideful people because they have kept themselves and their kids from touching failure. And in the end, they're afraid. They're afraid to fail because they don't know how to handle it. And that makes them more driven and perfectionistic and critical and compulsive. It's not what God wants. How many of you coach Little League? How many men coach Little League? Soccer? How many coach soccer? How about basketball? Coaches, would you agree with me that if you're going to have a really good team, it's probably not a bad thing to have a loss early in the season? You know why? Because what it does, it molds the kids. Some of the state championship teams had a loss early in the season because it helped the kid realize when they were behind in the game, they could come back. And that's what God allows in our life sometimes. Don't overprotect your kids because when you do, what you're really saying to them is, you're not competent. I can't trust you. I'm going to do it for you. You're not good enough. And when they grow up, they're going to blame someone else for their failures. We've created a nation of victims, haven't we? People who blame someone else, blame the government, blame the schools, blame the disease you have, blame the parents, blame the genes. When in fact, look what Galatians 6.5 says in your outline. We are each responsible, look at it, each of us, for our own conduct. So a family is a place for experimentation. How are you doing in this one, parents? Are you giving your kids responsibilities? Early on, are they participating in running the home or do you just do everything for them? If you're doing pretty well there, give yourself an 8, 9 or a 10. If you need to grow some in trusting your kids, then maybe you might want to mark a little lower number there. And look for opportunities. Finally, let me just touch this last one. A family is also a place for impartation. The bottom line of parenting is this. Are you loving your kids to the Lord Jesus? Look at Ephesians 6.4. Fathers, bring up your children in the training and instruction of the Lord. Parents find out pretty quickly that they don't have all the answers to their little kids' questions. Questions like, how do chickens have babies? And why do dogs bark and cats lay around and get fat? Or why are stars so bright on certain nights? I've told you this before, but I chuckle every time I think about it. My son Jonathan was maybe three, something like that. I remember holding him in my arms. He was small enough to hold my arm. We're getting out of the car on a crystal clear night. Looked up at the sky and no moon, but just stars everywhere. And the planet Venus was coming up over the horizon. It was really bright. It's the brightest object in the sky. And John looked up and he pointed his finger. He said, boy, that one's really bright, Dad. He said, what star is that? I said, that's not a star. That's a planet. That's a planet Venus. And he looked at it. He said, wow, they must have all their lights on. That's the same kid that when we, I remember driving, we had a five-year-old Honda and Coupe that I was driving around at the time. And he said, Dad, how old is this car? I said, it's five. He said, hmm, pretty big for five. It's just kids. They're inherently funny, you know? But you don't have answers to all their questions. Why did God make us this way? And why do I look like that? And why did Grandpa die so young? But we can point them to the God who does have answers to their questions. Answers that assure them of his love and let them know that he cares. We read to them and share with them and show them your faith. And listen, parents, listen. Even show them that you struggle from time to time. Some of you feel guilty that you struggle. And you know what? I have found with my kids, and one of my kids is here in this service, they'll tell you, they watched Dad go through times when he didn't know what he was doing, when he was asking questions about where is God. And I think that's okay. Because kids have to learn that God doesn't always come through exactly the way that they want him to. My kids watched me ache at times when a couple people that I thought were my friends turned and walked away and just picked up and left. And they saw me question, why did God let that happen? And we talked about that. My kids prayed with me when we didn't know what to do in terms of starting a new church. And they said, well, Dad, let's just pray together about it. And we prayed and watched God start this church from zip. Nothing. And they have now understood that this is a journey of faith. I just want to encourage you, share the everyday things of your spiritual journey with your kids. Then they'll realize that the God that you serve is real and approachable. And I'm going to be very specific here. Don't just talk about the man upstairs. Don't just talk about God in the general sense. But tell your kids about Jesus. This is very important. And in a day when spirituality is on the sort of rise, and there's a lot of interest in spiritual things, you need to talk to your kids about Jesus Christ, parents. Because God made a point of sending His Son in the flesh for us to look at a person to realize what God incarnate would be about, what love in the flesh would be. And we do our kids a disservice if we just talk in generalized terms about, well, the man upstairs, or the big coach in the sky, or whatever it is. He's the Son of God who lived a perfect life. And he's written about in detail in this book so that you can know what a life lived to please God is like. And then he died as an innocent man for our sins. And you know what? Kids are gripped by that. When you talk to them about Jesus, it makes a huge difference in their life. I had a friend tell me this last week that they had seen a family that came for the Easter drama. And he guessed the kids' age. He said they were probably seven, five, and three. He said, but they were wild, Pastor Jay. They sat back here, and they got out of their seats, and they moved around, and they stood in the aisles. And he said, I kept watching these kids. I kept wondering, isn't someone going to do something with them? And then he said, when they saw Jesus being beaten in that one scene by the Romans, and then when they watched Him being brought down and tearing the cross, he said, those three kids sat in their seats just transfixed because the person of Jesus was now being modeled right in front of them. And parents, that's what we get to do. We get to model Jesus to our kids. Our church can help. Our kids' ministry. If you're consistent, our kids' ministry can be a great place of encouragement. But you've got to be the one. There's no place like home to teach and to establish the basic disciplines, to read the stories so the kids know them by heart. And I want to say to some of you who are here, and you're saying, man, I wish I'd known this 20 years ago, or 10 years ago, and now my kids are growing, and what can I do? You know what? It is never too late for you to go to your children, even if they're grown, and say, I just need to tell you something. When I was younger, I didn't know this, but I've discovered a relationship with Christ, and He's changing my life, and I want to share with you what I wish I'd shared when you were a child. And just share the gospel with them. Parents, we all make mistakes, but God's grace is more than sufficient if we humble ourselves. How are you doing on this one? How is your home in terms of imparting faith to your kids? Just a simple question. Is the name of Jesus spoken in your home commonplace? Do your kids talk about Jesus? They hear you talk about Jesus? Is His name as familiar to your kids' ears as Mark McGuire, or Tiger Woods, or Cordell Stewart? I hope so. Do your kids know that you love Him more than anything, more than your job, more than your hobby, more than your recreation, more than the friends that come over to play cards or whatever else you do? That's important. Evaluate yourself. How are you doing imparting your faith to your kids? And then say with me, as Joshua did, you know, I don't know about everybody else. I can't control other homes, but as for me and my house, we're going to serve the Lord together. Let's stand. Lord, I thank you right now for the reality that your grace is sufficient. And in Jesus' name, I pray for every parent, every family member that's here today, that we'd recommit ourselves to make our homes, Lord, a place that's fun, where the joy of the Lord is there, Lord, and there's a happiness about our homes, and a place, Lord, where we can learn to take responsibility, to be entrusted with things, and Lord, a place where we come to know Christ, apart from whom there is no life. Come and fill our homes, Lord, in Jesus' name. Let's sing it together.