Myths That Make Us Miserable IV, the Truth About Repairing Broken Relationships

Matthew chapter 5, we're going to continue in the Sermon on the Mount and I'll read the passage this morning beginning in verse 21. Matthew 5 through 21, if you don't have a Bible just tune in carefully, okay, or look on to your neighbors and if your neighbor won't share, kick them in the shin. It tends to get their attention. You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, do not murder and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment. But I tell you, or say to you, that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. And again, anyone who says to his brother, rock up, is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, you fool, will be in danger of the fire of hell. Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother and then come and offer your gift. Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you're still with him on the way or he may hand you over to the judge and the judge may hand you over to the officer and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth, you'll not get out until you've paid the last penny. Well, in my experience, Church, there's a protocol that kind of governs behavior in large public gatherings, whether it be concerts or plays or sports events or even church services. It's not written, but we all kind of understand what's protocol. And I'm going to have Kelly share with you here a few rules about behavior in public events. Rule number one, large public gatherings, be there on time. I mean, when you've taken the time to be, you know, plan to get up early, get to where you need to be or out the door, park your car and found your seat. And then the show starts or the play or the concert or the service or whatever, and you're engaged and you're involved. And then the party bunch shows up and crawls, you know, over your seat to get to you. I mean, it's just kind of rude, isn't it? I mean, it's just, it really isn't. I mean, it's breaking the rules, wouldn't you say? And that's why we feel justified to kind of roll our eyes a little bit. And, you know, people kind of notice, hey, and, you know, we can respond two different ways. We can stay seated and kind of cross our legs sort of halfway, you know, and let the people kind of scrinch on through. Or we can stand up, which is a little more polite and kind of let them get by and be totally sort of distracted for those few minutes. But sometimes, folks, I don't know about you, I've been in situations, I remember in the Steeler game, maybe three years ago, I was given some seats, showed up a little bit late because of the service and so on. And I mean, a classic Steeler stand was between me and my seat. I mean, this guy had a belly like he would not quit, you know, big suspenders, hard hat and this huge pitcher. I mean, well, it looked like a pitcher. It was a big plastic cup of beer. And I was late. And he stood up and he looked at me and he was clearly unhappy about the circumstance. And he smiled. He's skinny, but he was looking at me. And I looked at that belly and he was just between him and there was no, I figured I was going to have to limbo under that thing or some, you know, rubber man myself around the front of it. He let me know and I, you know, I'm kind of resolved I wouldn't be late in the future. Okay, so rule number one, don't be late. Rule number two, public gatherings, be quiet and tune in to what's going on up front. I mean, what's worse than going to a play or a show or a concert or a service and people are whispering and buzzing and talking. I mean, that's really rude, isn't it? Wouldn't you say? I mean, that's why we have to look over our shoulder and just kind of give them the look. I mean, folks, we need to tune in. I was amazed at the old building down at the old Bradley house or old church on a Saturday night service. Somebody came in with a cellular phone, you know, and right in the middle of the sermon. Now I hear watches all the time, but a cellular phone and, you know, guy just stood there in the service during the sermon and talked on his cellular phone. And then after the call went on for a while, I got up and I thought, I don't know what it was about. I'm sure to him it was important, but I don't know what you feel. I think maybe, you know, cellular phone, how many of you think cellular phones and public gatherings, especially worship services, what do you think? How about beepers? I mean, let's just get rid of all that kind of stuff. Deactivate the beepers, no cell phone, you know, fax machines and laptop computers, no, you know, microwaves, no. And some of you with the alarm watches, it doesn't do any good to me, you know. If you think, you know, I'll set it just so he knows. I'm not going to slow me down or speed me up. So tune in, all right? Tune in to what's going on. Number three, don't overtly harass people around you. I mean, you know, swinging your leg and throwing your stuff and, you know, putting your kids on the floor right beside them. That's not cute. I mean, that just, it just gets like, and I say that because, you know, I can remember, oh gosh, nearly five years ago, and I was flying back from India. And it was on this night flight, things on a 747, and the seats are five across, as of you traveled in big planes on it. And I was right in the middle, and it was packed to the gills, and no one was moving. And I, you know, I couldn't sleep, and I was waiting for the movie to come on, to at least, you know, get distracted. And this little six or seven-year-old kid was right in front of me, and his parents on either side of him were just dead asleep. It was like one o'clock in the morning, and I was looking forward to the movie. And the movie started, and that little sinner, you know, pushed his seat back and was going like this, and, you know, and I just, and I couldn't really do anything. I mean, he was a little kid, and his parents were sleeping, and I, I just, you know, well, anyhow, just a little frustration, a little purging was going on there. But it was rule number four, this is a big one, don't leave until the meeting is over. I mean, near the top of the rudeness list when it comes to public gatherings is climbing up before the meeting is over, before the event is over, picking up all your stuff and, you know, crawling out over people so you can get out. I mean, it's so rude that it's, I mean, it's kind of universally acknowledged that getting up and walking out is, is, is like a statement of, you know, discontent with what's going on. I mean, when you get up and walk out with all your stuff, people are asking themselves the question, what's, I mean, I wonder what tripped his switch. I wonder what, you know, didn't he like the concert, or didn't he like the performance, or didn't he like the sermon? I mean, he just fed up. What happened? I mean, it's especially so in a worship service, and it's even more especially so back in the first century when Jesus gave these words at the Sermon on the Mount. I don't know if you know it, if you know anything about history. In the first century, I mean, worship was the event. I mean, you weren't late. You weren't chitty-chatty. You didn't answer your phone. You didn't get up and check, you know, how you were feeling. You just went and stayed until it was over. You can bet your life you didn't get up halfway through the message of the scribe, and then just decide, oh, well, I think I've got to get out. I mean, if you remembered halfway through the sermon that you left the pot roast on a little too high, I mean, you just counted it as a burn-off from the Lord. You weren't going to get out in time. Or if you left the, you know, if you left the lights on in the chariot, I mean, you know, someone was going to have to jumpstart you because you just didn't get up and walk out. It just didn't happen. And if you were feeling a little bit ill, I mean, and maybe even deathly sick, you took some comfort that people around you would give you a nice burial, because that's just the way it is. In fact, I mean, you think I'm exaggerating. In Acts chapter 20, when the Bible says that Paul was going on and on in his preaching, and a guy named Eutychus was sitting in a windowsill, and he fell asleep and fell out the window and died, but he didn't get up and leave. How happily Paul went down and raised him from the dead. That's a little, that's in Acts 20 verse 9. Now all of this is a rather long introduction to make an important point, and that's when Jesus says in the Sermon on the Mount, what he says, advocated that people get up from a worship service and leave the setting and go out to do a particular thing. When they, when Jesus says, hey, pick up your stuff and head to the exits, I mean, this was an unthinkable recommendation. They, the people that they had no category in which to process this. What reason could they possibly be given to justify this kind of rudeness? You know what the reason was? Only one. Jesus said, if you sense in your mind, if you recall someone who has something against you, get up. Even in the middle of the service, people couldn't imagine it. I mean, it blew them away. It was a shocker. I mean, it broke all rules of first century etiquette. See what Jesus was doing once again, just as he'd done in the Beatitudes, just as he'd done in the call to righteousness, was elevating kingdom life above that which the people had ever known before. He does this totally unheard of thing and says to people, you can get up and leave right in the middle of worship if you need to make things right. And what he did was this, and I want you to, this is the key to the whole message. Jesus was elevating human relationships to the same plane as personal worship. Jesus was elevating right relationship right up there alongside of right worship. And that was never understood prior to this time. You see, back then, worship, ritual, the priesthood, the blood, the sacrifices, tithes and gifts, that was way up there. You did those things right if you were a good Jew. But people and getting along and relationships and all that kind of, well, you know, if you had time, you got to. They had never seen things in that light before. They had never seen that God cared, listen now, as much about community and loving as he did about worship, and it blew them away. Jesus makes it clear that this is true, not only in our external actions, but even in our words and our thoughts as well, as we read here this morning. See, two reasons why this is important. This is the first thing in your outline. Relationships and how you treat people reveal your true heart condition. This isn't just about external compliance. It's not about just doing things right in the house. It's about your heart being right. And you can't worship God, Jesus is saying, without your heart being right. Look at the verses up there. Verse 22, But I say to you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. And anyone who says to his brother, Raka, which by the way, translated accurately means bonehead, is answerable to the Sanhedrin. In other words, he's accountable for that. And one who says you fool, he's accountable even to the judgment of fire. Jesus is saying, you know, you're so religious, you think if you just, you know, if you don't murder someone or stab them or kill them, that, you know, if your hands aren't bloodstained, then your righteousness is good enough. Jesus is saying that's not the way it is in my kingdom. I say this to you, you can have clean hands and a blood spattered spiritual heart. Jesus is saying you're not loving at all. You're not forgiving, accepting, understanding or caring. You prejudge people. You even call them names that discriminate. And you, Jesus said, condemn yourself. Jesus said you can tolerate broken relationships and yet you think you can come in and worship me. Jesus said that isn't the way it should be. Get up and make it right and seek to reconcile and restore the relationship. Then come back and bring your offering. And the second reason why you can't do it is because, dear ones, you can't love God and hate your brother. You can't do it. Read there on your outline on the little insert that I gave you. First John 420, the verse says it. If anyone says I love God yet hates his brother, he is a liar. Now church, let me bring this down to here at North Way in 1994. I mean, we all know the value of worship. We cherish this time. We love what we've just experienced of being in God's presence, of lifting our voices and our hearts before him. But I believe we lose sight of how strongly God feels about being rightly religious. I was privileged to be at the banquet. It was an expression of love. We had a banquet for our volunteers and our workers, the contractors. And many of those people stopped me afterwards, not from North Way, to say, you know, I've never been on a job where people took the time to say thank you. It meant a whole lot to me. And some of them might even be here today. And I want to commend you for that. That is, you see, that's the kingdom. That's what changes lives. But I have to also say, on the other hand, to many of us, please understand that we are all tempted to drift away from the kind of actions that love requires. You see, love never stops requiring of us. Your home group will always require you to keep loving them. And it's very easy in a larger church just to come in and take your seat and do your vertical worship thing and go to the doors. And I have to say, there's a lot of people have been here five years or more, and that's all you're doing right now, because you've kind of given up on love. And I want to stand here and say with all my heart today, we don't have that privilege. Not if we're going to be kingdom people. And if you happen to be here, and you're among that group, and you have someone has something against you, or in the back of your mind, someone hurts you, or you hurt someone, and there's a breach there. Let's hear what Jesus said, get up. You've got my permission, leave the service and go make it right. And we need to work as a church of being reconnected. We need to refire the value of relationships in our home groups and support groups and in all the connected kind of places we try to be as a people. Because if you don't, what happens is you drain the life of God right out of you. That's what happens. When relationships are ruptured, you don't go on in God. I called a friend from North Way who had a ruptured disc. I know there's some physicians here, there's better terms than that. A ruptured disc that he said he felt it go about four weeks ago. And I called him on Thursday, and he just had surgery two days before. And I said, so this happened about a month ago. He said, well, the doctors tried conservative therapy for about a month, and I was losing, you know, strength in my leg, and I was having all these problems. And they said they had to do surgery. But he waited four weeks with a ruptured disc. Now what would have happened had he ruptured his appendix and waited four weeks? Goodbye. He'd be dead. And I want to say to you, you think that relationships that are ruptured are just like maybe an inconvenience, but can I say that there is a poison that can seep into your system, and you've got to make it right. You've got to make it right. And so let me conclude the message by just touching on a few specifics that might help you. I wish I could just say, now, this is a formula, do these four things, and every relationship will be restored. I will tell you up here, up front, as I conclude today, there is no formula. Relationships are too complex. They're too layered with dynamics. There are too many times that things have happened so long ago that you can't ever sort it out again, and I know that. But these four things, I've discovered, if you'll employ them, can be tools to help salvage a relationship that you might think is too far gone. It's not a formula, but it's the best that I can offer you to encourage you. Number one, if you want to be restored, if you need to get up and leave and do this, number one, be gracious, for you have received grace. Even though you may be in the right in something, in your perception or even in the facts of what happened in a certain circumstance, humility and grace are always the key to opening the door to a healing of a relationship. If you're defensive, if you're kind of put-offish or self-righteous or arrogant, it won't help at all. Never forget this one thing in relationships. We relate to one another in the same way that God related to us. All of Christian relationships are based on the same thing that God threw right before God, and it's three words. Do you know what they are? Grace. Grace. You didn't deserve to be united to God and to be restored to fellowship with him. And folks, in broken human relationships, they may not deserve it either, but grace should prevail. And I don't need to take you back into the Gospel of Matthew where the unmerciful servant goes out, even after he's been forgiven by the one to whom he owed a lifetime of wages, he goes out and throttles a guy who owes him one day's pay. Doctor, don't let that happen. If you've received grace, then give grace in relationships. Even the demeanor of how you enter into that, if you call someone and say, could we meet, and you walk in there, just humble of heart. And the tone of your voice is conciliatory. It will open up. Someone approached me several weeks ago. They said, I may have this all wrong, but I kind of feel like something isn't right between us. And the way he came, it was just that all my barriers came down, and I was able just to share with him and embrace and open the door to him. Number two, be focused on the relationship, not just the issues. Face the church. You may disagree, you may not be able to come to some kind of compromise on an issue, but you don't need to break friendship over it. When you call someone and say, look, I'd just like to see you. I don't even want to talk about the thing we've been sort of disagreeing about. What I want to do is I just want to talk about us and our friendship. I'll drop my list. I'll stop trying to convince you. We may not see eye to eye on this one, but we don't have to lose our friendship over it. Some of you know that we have established at North Way what we call an Elders' Covenant. Seven points of relationship that kind of determine how we'll deal with one another. And I believe it's to be something the whole church is to embrace. But point number five makes room for this. And I'd like you to read it with me. Here's what it says. Point number five in the covenant. We will hear each other's opinions, honor each other's differences, hold love supreme, and wholeheartedly embrace our collective decisions. What that means is, hey, I may not agree with Pastor Scott about some particular issue. And we need to hear each other and we need to honor our differences and our perspectives. But in the end, we hold love supreme. And once we make a collective decision, then if it's what Scott had preferred, then I have agreed by this covenant to own that decision just as if it had been mine. I don't have the right to go back six months later and say, see, Scott, it went south and it's your fault because I didn't believe it in the first place. And we can be friends and we can restore relationships if we're willing to lay down some things. Now, there are a few non-negotiable. There's a few things that you say, well, if we can't agree on this, we've got to part company. I know that. But you know what? The older I get, the less of those there are, because I believe that God wants community more than He wants people being right about things. Number three, be forgiving as you accept your portion of responsibility for whatever circumstance you face. As hard as it may be, you need to recognize that you may have just been 10% responsible, but you are somewhat responsible. I've never seen a situation where all the other guys fall. And it's amazingly disarming when you can begin a conversation of reconciliation and start by saying, hey, before you say anything, I just want you to know I see my part in this and I accept it. I've done that a few times where the person says, you what? You do? And instead of defensively reacting, they say, you know what? I see my part. And number four, to be reconciled means that you look to the future and forget the past. And one thing that will kill a relationship is you just keep reaching in the bag and pulling out what you did six months ago or six years ago. Once you've had that reconciliation, then agree that you're not going to bring up the thing anymore, you're not going to wave it at them every time you get mad, and husbands and wives, you know what that can be like, that you're going to leave it back there, buried. Now, as I conclude, I know there are some of you, I know you well enough to know, but some of you are looking at me and saying, well, Jay, I've done most of those things, and I even know someone that I need to go to. But what if they reject me? What if they slam the door? What if they don't return my phone call or my message? What if they don't care? What then? Well, first of all, I want to say, I know how painful that is. It's a painful thing when you want to be right with someone and they don't care, or they don't budge, or they won't take one step. The Apostle Paul recognized this. He said in Romans 12, 18, if it's possible, as far as it depends upon you, live at peace. But sometimes it doesn't seem to work. Those times can hurt you, they can hold you back, loved ones who just don't want to talk about it anymore, friends who don't ever pick up the phone and call you, former partners who now have chosen to abandon the relationship. And I know of what I speak this morning firsthand. You don't do something like we've done here at North Way and not lose relationships, because some people absolutely need to be involved in ways that they can't be involved. And so I've been on the side of relationships where I've tried, and the door was slammed, and the messages weren't retained, and word would filter back. I don't want to be up in town. At those times, all you can do is look to Jesus, the author and the finisher of your faith, before the joy set before Him, endured the cross, and embraced His Church. And I have found this, and though it doesn't really always answer my longings, it does comfort me, and I just want to commend to you. 2 Corinthians. Read that book. If you need encouragement in this battle, Paul wrote 2 Corinthians because the first 1 Corinthians letter that he wrote had so angered the people, and it was such a mess, that they had rejected Paul. Read 2 Corinthians with that in mind, and what you'll see is a man who says, make room for us in your hearts. We've wronged no one, we've corrupted no one, we've exploited no one. He said, I want to be loved by you. And dear ones, if you do that, if you're a reconciler, the Bible says, God will restore the kingdom weapon of love to you, and you'll be a peacemaker. And two weeks ago we saw, blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the sons of God. God looks down and says, there's one, it's a son or a daughter of mine, because he or she is making peace. And then you come back to the altar, and you lift your worship, and you give your praise to God. I hope today as we dismiss, that this is an encouragement to those of you who are in tough situations, to do what you can to make it right. And then to trust God, that if nothing happens, God is at work. God is at work, and I'll tell you dear one, no matter what it is, no matter how dark it looks, God is in control. And if you've obeyed him, you can trust his grace to fulfill his promise. He will, he will prevail, and he will make things right.