Love For A Lifetime V, Keeping Romance Alive

Just move it back two days and it'll be fine. Turn in your Bibles to chapter 17 of John's Gospel. Are we going to let the mannequins come forth here for their final appearance? Probably forever. John 17. The only thing that frustrated me, we couldn't change the expressions on their faces. Kind of like some of you, actually. I had to slip that in. I'll get letters now and cards. John 17. My prayer for all of them, this is Jesus speaking, is that they will be one of heart and mind, just as you and I, our Father, that just as you are in me and I am in you, so they will be in us, and the world will believe you sent me. I have given them the glory you gave me, the glorious unity of being one as we are, I in them and you in me, all being perfected into one. Oneness is the goal of God. What better time for a message on keeping romance alive than the Sunday morning before Valentine's Day? How many of you believe me if I told you I didn't plan it this way? It just worked out. And I couldn't be happier, though. And I think the fact of the matter is that it's an appropriate time for us, even though Valentine's Day is certainly not a Christian holiday, it is a time to celebrate love, and I think that's okay. I've been inundated, I'm sure you have too, with all the information that's out there concerning Valentine's Day and love and dating and all that kind of stuff. I picked up this little thing. As my wife told me, no more personal illustrations. I started reading such high-caliber periodicals as Glamour and so on. Here's something about dating that I think you'll find. I mean, it's called Great Moments in the History of Modern Dating, or Where Would We Be Without? 1876, Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone. How did men ever ask women out before the telephone? I mean, how did dating ever happen? That's a great moment. 1896, the first movie shown to a paying audience is screened in New York City. Where would dating be without movies? I just read that in Pittsburgh the favorite date is still dinner and a movie. Cost $150 now, though. 1913, the first motor car rolls off the assembly line in Highland Park, Michigan. What did they do to date before there was a car? Someone said horse and bucket. I'm sure you'd know that, brother. I had nothing to do with that stuff. You got pictures, I know. 1915, Hallmark publishes its first Valentine's Day card. And now they have billions, okay, of dollars. 1933, the first drive-in movie theater opens in Camden. Now, what does that have to do with dating? Nothing that I know of. 1957, Dick Clark takes American bands to New York City. 1965, a Harvard student pioneers computer dating. Now, there was a real great moment. He hasn't changed one bit in 32 years, but... 1965, a Harvard student pioneers computer dating. Oh, come on, I mean, that's a great moment, they say. And it goes on and... Very little happens in the last 20 years, I want you to know that. 1989, Singles Facts opens the first fax dating service. So, you know, in lieu of real personal kinds of things, I guess we can get high-tech. Great moments. But how many of you know the great moments in dating and romance too often seem to stop after the marriage vows? I mean, one of the saddest truths is that it seems that the fires tend to go out right after the marriage vows are completed. It's amazing to me, I have talked with people who literally have not been on a date, married people have not been out on a date in years, years. I mean, it staggers me what happens. You know, it's a scary thing to wake up and look at the person next to you and realize that love as you once knew it isn't there anymore. Some of you have that feeling right now. What you're attached to there in marriage is a roommate or a partner or a business associate and not necessarily a lover or a friend. The spark's gone, the fires are out or almost out, and romance is all but gone. Romance, however, is really a reflection in marriage of a deeper issue that I wanted to land on with both feet this morning, something that has to precede romance in a marriage over the long haul is what I'm going to say right now, and that word is intimacy. Intimacy. There's got to be intimacy in marriage. Listen now. For those of you who are single, listen carefully. You can have intimacy without romance, but over the long haul you cannot have romance in marriage without intimacy. Did you catch that? In other words, you can have intimate friends even if you're not married, but in marriage, romance will die out without intimacy. In a sense, there's like a shift that takes place there, and many couples miss that and romance fades away over time. Intimacy is taken from the Latin word intimus. The definition I want to give before they put the overhead one on is this. This is for friendship. Very strong personal relationships, a special emotional closeness which includes understanding and being understood by someone who's very special. That's a definition that anyone in this place can know, single or married. Now, a good married definition of intimacy is this one, Kelly, if you'll flash that up, please. It's a deeply satisfying closeness of mind, heart, body, and spirit, all four dimensions of who we are, which is shared and experienced by two equals who relate as lovers and as best friends in the permanent context of marriage. Now, that might be a flowery definition, but just think about it. It has to do with closeness of the total being. It's funny. In courtship, you see, romance kind of leads to intimacy, doesn't it? I mean, you really want to know the person, so you romance them and just kind of do everything you can to get close. But in marriage, intimacy sparks romance. It's just like a flip-flop. And if you miss those things, it's likely that you're going to go on into marriage and after a while wonder what's happened because you're losing that spark. Now, let me share with you, if I were to take an informal poll here, I won't, but I'd like to, what do you think are the primary reasons why intimacy and romance burn out in marriage? High on the list for most of us would be, number one, familiarity. See which of these relate to you. Familiarity. Anyone here ever buy a new car? Nobody ever bought a new car? That's interesting. I've seen yours, yeah. Yeah, most of us from time to time have gotten a new car, even if it's a new used car. You know, we get that new car, and boy, we massage that thing, and we love it, you know, and we wash it in the morning. And if we drive it, you know, we look for reasons to take it to the store in that first few months, and shine it up, and, you know, a little dust gets on it, clean it off again. You know, but some months later, you know, somebody spills a milkshake in the backseat, or somebody, you know, accidentally opens the door and puts a nick in the side of it. And after a year or so, what is it then? It's a car, you know, it's a car. I got all these payments, but I still have this car. You know, it becomes familiar, and it loses its shine. Same thing with a house. Brand new house, everything is perfect. As soon as the first spill, and then the first hole in the wall, or the first scratch, well, it's a house now. We've got to live here and make it home. You know, well, people are kind of like that. You know, at first, gee, we just, everything about this thing we want to treasure. But after a while, we get, like, we know everything about them. They become familiar to us. You know, it's kind of like, you know, when you're in the romance stage of an early relationship, a courtship thing, you know, a guy walks up, and just about to knock on the door, and as soon as his hand touches the door, you know, she opens the door. Oh, honey, I've been waiting for you. Where have you been? I mean, I've been counting the ticks on the clock, hoping you'd be here earlier. Two years after marriage, you know, he walks in the door and shows up. He says, you know, it looks like this. Honey, I'm home. And he turns and, so am I, too. You know, what do you want, a marching band and a medal? It's that whole familiarity thing sets in. And, like, I know what this is all about. And familiarity, you know, if you're not breaking into new ground, you just kind of feel like, I know everything that's in there. I've had men say, I know everything she's ever thought. She hasn't had a new thought in five years. I've had men say that to me. Okay, not at me, but I'm telling you the truth. And I've had women say things equally affirming, okay? That married phase is just like things, you know, I know everything there is to know. By the way, honestly, it is a good idea, individually, men and women, to be learning some new things. It's wonderful for women to go on and keep growing personally and for men to keep stretching their boundaries so you can share new experiences and share new insights. Do some reading. Do some, you know, experimenting with different things so that you can stay fresh and discovering in one another. The second thing I feel is a blocked intimacy is this terrible problem of physical exhaustion. It takes energy to communicate, does it not? I mean, if you're going to get down to really going back and forth and sharing, it takes some energy. When is the highest energy level in our lives, for most of us? What age? You know, late teens, early, mid-twenties. I mean, we just abound with energy. We feel like we can take on the world at that period in our lives. You know, I know young people who date four and five nights a week, you know. Out till one in the morning, get up at six, go to work. Oh, man, this is great. I mean, just keep on pouring it on, pouring it on. I shared this last night. I'll risk sharing it here this morning. But when I was a college student, I had a girlfriend up here in Beaver County where I grew up. It wasn't my wife, sorry to say. And I went to school 350 miles from here, down in Virginia. And I can tell you a lot of weekends when I get out of my class, Friday afternoon, hitchhike, you know, all that way. This was before the interstates were all done and all that stuff. I mean, like, sometimes I'd be hitchhiking 10, 12 hours. Get home like 2, 3 in the morning on Saturday. You know, barely get myself to have one day with this girlfriend. Sunday morning, back on the way, hitchhike all the way back to school for that one little time. You know, and then Monday I'd be on the phone and say, gee, can I come up again next weekend? I'm thinking, this guy was nuts. I mean, there was absolutely no rational reason for doing that. But I had the energy, you know. I knew, I just knew it was love. You know, now, 9.30 comes along. Carol and I are, like, pulling each other up. Crash into bed and, you know, you turn on the electronic drug. And that's how it is, you know. You're just like, you're bushed out. Where's all that? You see, because what's happening along here? What's happening? Well, you see, you get a little bit older and your energy level does start to tail off just a bit, doesn't it? But what's skyrocketing at the same time? Responsibilities. You know, when I'm 20 years old, I'm taking 15 hours of college credits. Now, I know those of you in college think, wow, that's a lot of work. Let me tell you, enjoy the 15 hours, all right? Because it gets intense after that. You know, you get married. I mean, the responsibilities just go off the wall. You know, when does your career most demand of you? When you're in your late 20s, early, you know, 30s and early 40s. I mean, turn it on. What about kids? When do you have kids? The exact same time. So that's another big load. And then there's the house, you know. The wonderful, they call it starter house. Because it starts every argument imaginable, right? You know, fix this up and do this and maintenance and landscape and all this stuff. You know, you're like... You know, at the same time, you know, around about 30, what else needs maintenance, fixing up and landscaping? Now, your body. Your body's just like this thing, it's deteriorating. And all these things. And then, you know, add to that, you know, you get involved in a church like this. It's giving you lots of opportunities to grow and do things. And it isn't long before the very energies that were once so abounding are spent. And unfortunately, a lot of couples make choices. They say, you know, well, I've got to give myself to my job. I've heard people say this. I've got to be a good dad or a good mom and give my time to my kids. You know, I've got to take care of the house. I've got to do this. So what has to go? Well, you look right at your spouse and you say, well, honey, you understand. You know, you'll still be there. Have you ever told your spouse, you know, you'll still be there after the kids are gone? You know, don't count on it. I mean, that's the way it is. If you ignore that thing for years and years and years, there may not be anything left to resurrect after the kids are gone. And this whole physical thing is very, very difficult. It's reality. Number three, financial pressures. The number one cause of separation, I mean, not root cause but surface cause, is financial pressure. Couples fight about the apportionment of their resources. Unfortunately, in today's society, how many of you know, it usually takes, in most cases, two incomes just to be able to buy a house now. And so with a husband and a wife working and all the extra pressure that exerts, finances just keep weighing down. I can't tell you how many people say, you know, we fight all the time because we don't have enough, or we fight all the time about where it's going to go. And finally, number four, and this is the most difficult to talk about, is emotional hurts. See, intimacy in romance is blocked by accumulated disappointment, accumulated frustration, things you feel about her and he feels about you and you feel about him. And then you throw into there some in-law hassles and some, you know, sometimes there's been hurt and pain before the marriage that was never resolved from another relationship. And all those things contribute to a block. When that block sets in, intimacy is an evasive goal, and romance dies. And all that's left, just a few little embers of what was once a torrid and really hot relationship. Now, when you get to this point, the tendency is to want to just kind of settle in. And now it's hard for me to speak to some of you who've been married, you know, 15, 20, 25 years, and you've basically accommodated yourself to a level C relationship. Now we'll just put up with it. It's the way it's going to be. I mean, what is the incentive to go on and really build intimacy? What hope is there that you'll ever get out of the rut of an average relationship? I mean, I'm looking for the times, I love the times, when I go to a man and say, how's your marriage doing? And to hear him say, it's great. Outstanding, I love my wife, I'm having a great time. Usually, though, it's something like, you know, it's tolerable, fair to Midland, you know, well, you know how it is. All these things that they're dealing with. Now, I know that we all have struggles, we do. But how many of you believe that God's plan for your marriage is that it would be the best that it could be? When Jesus said that He came that we might have life and have it abundant, did He just mean on our own, you know? No, He meant partnered together. And I want to share with you the second major point today is, what is the basis for intimacy? Why should you, my brother, why should you make an effort? I mean, why should you not settle for a five out of ten? I don't know if you've ever considered this, but I trust you'll mull it over. The basis for all intimacy in marriage is this one simple fact. It's what I read in the scripture, that God's goal for all of us is oneness. And because God designed for intimacy to be the way that He related to you, God wants to be intimate with you. He doesn't just want to save you, He wants to know you. That's why Paul cries out in Philippians, I want to know Him and the power of His resurrection. I want to be intimate with God. I don't think most of us have even come close to plumbing what that means. But you see, because I want to know God and God says His goal for me is unity with Him, and if you listen carefully, what I read was, what other relationship in all the world would God design for there to be oneness more than in marriage? So you see, it's not just because someone said you should. It's not just because, well, you know, I guess I ought to. It's because God has called you to be one. And it's an act of obedience to your relationship with God that's the issue here. And sadly, friends, I feel like many of us slip back in this thing. And we accommodate and accept in ourselves things that we have no business accepting. Attitudes that just kind of let things sort of drift. Do you know when you're drifting, you're not moving toward God's mark? You know, Carol and I will have been married 20 years this July. In a strange kind of way, I feel like we're just kind of getting going in sort of a reasoned and established and positive method of building this relationship. Because of a lot of those blockage factors that hit us like they hit all of you in the earlier years. The reason why we should devote ourselves to intimacy is because God devoted Himself to us. And I don't know about you, but I want to stand before God one day and have Him say to me, not just, hey, well done at North Way, and well done there at any place else I may have served. But well done in your home and well done with your wife. And that's the basis of it. Think not that God could care less. I think God cares an awful lot about the quality of your relationship. And if you're squirming just a bit, I hope you'll let God do His work in you. Because see, the good news is once you open to that and say, Lord, will I want to do it in obedience to You, you open the gate for God to invade your life with His power and His love. How many of you know you can't really love the way you need to love without God's love in you? I can't forgive the way I need to forgive without God's forgiveness flowing in me. I can't be patient or whatever else I need to be without Him. But with Him, with Him, that relationship that I most treasure on this earth can be all that He wants it to be. And He extends that to each of you. That's the basis. The basis of intimacy with your spouse, the basis of intimacy with any person actually, any friend for that matter, is because God said, let's be intimate, you and I. And that's a profound thing. And it's a day I trust that you'll take this exhortation just a bit seriously and act upon it. I don't want this serious to end and have us all say, well, that was a nice series, you know. It was cute. I want relationships to change for the better. And I believe God does and I believe you do. Even if it's just one way that you can build intimacy. Now, let me just touch on very quickly the last point here. What builds intimacy? Now, if you've been with us for these four or five weeks, you have heard me weave these in. But I want to reiterate just a couple of them because I think that you'll agree with me that they're important. Number one, communicate conversationally. I've talked about the importance of getting out of the house or getting out of the familiar setting and talking. How many have done their homework? Come on, let me see. Well, a lot of you have not put your hand up. If you have not taken your spouse out over the last month, I want to appeal to you, don't ignore this. You say, well, we can just talk at home. Well, that's all right. Then talk at home. But I want to challenge you to consider it. We were down at Eaton Park the other day having our time and a couple of people from the church were there and they came over and said, I know what you're doing. You're having your time. The secret's out. We're going to have to find a new place. Talk about what's good. Talk about what's bad. Talk about what's positive. Talk about what's negative. Talk about everything. Talk about nothing. But talk. Communicate. Sometimes you have to take the TV plug out and the phone plug and you just have to talk. And it's not easy to do, especially when all those other factors are in the way. But you've got to do it. Invest individually. Let me talk about this just a second. Invest individually. In other words, know what your friend or your spouse, and by the way, single people, these four things will work with friends just as powerfully as with a husband or wife. Know what makes that person happy. What pleases them. Work at developing shared interests. One couple said, we were finding ourselves going opposite directions as we got older. We want to do something together. So we took up gardening and lawn care. So we do our garden and our lawn together. That's how they spend it. That's their hobby. It's good for them. I would never do that, but that's fine for them. And they're spending those hours together and they love it. Find some things you can do. Maybe buy bicycles or something. Do something together. Another part of this, invest individually, is know what really pleases that person and then don't mess it up. Do just that for their sake. One guy turned to his wife and said, honey, let's go for a walk on the beach together. Just you and I. Let's talk on the beach. Just you and me. She just melted. This was tremendous. How romantic. We haven't done this in years. So they're walking out and the last minute he turns and grabs his fishing pole. We can talk. I'm just going to be pulling this thing along here. Right away, he just took all the wind out of that thing. Do what they want to do. That wasn't Carl. Carl's over there. He's our resident fisherman. I do not read your mail. People always say, you read my mail this week or you listen to it. I don't do that. Number three under this next category, pray personally. Pray personally. Let me share with you, this is a hard thing even for my wife and I to do as much as we want to. I think the pace of our lives, the demands, everything that's there, kind of gravitate against it. But there are few things that are more intimacy building than praying together. Husbands, when's the last time you asked your wife to pray with you? It's been a week? A day? A month? A year? One of you said, honey, let's... And I don't mean grace, okay? You know, honey, let's say grace. No. I'm talking about other than at the table. It's a valuable thing. It's an important thing. And friends, you'll find even in friendship, if you learn to pray together, you'll galvanize that relationship. It means an awful lot. The Bible talks about when two or more agree on earth. You know the word agree there is the word symphoneo in the Greek, which means perfect harmony. I don't think there's a more harmonious prayer than a husband and wife agreeing. Number four, touch regularly. Now, I was accused of asking for the impossible by some men when I said, you know, practice non-sexual touching a few weeks ago. But it is important to touch. It's important to extend a hand. You know, it blesses me when I see a husband and a wife hold a hand in a service or walk out together arm in arm. That's good. We need to do those things. I want to talk for just a few minutes here about sexual touching. Because obviously God intended for the sexual gift to be exercised in marriage in a way that built intimacy. There is no more intimate expression physically than intercourse that God grants for us in marriage. What a gift it is. What power it has to restore and to renew and to celebrate. Unfortunately, often, what was meant to be the greatest joy in celebration in marriage is the greatest source of frustration. You see, when all these other intimacy things are being blocked, when communication is stopped and all the rest, people often say, I hate, that's the word these, I hate when he touches me. I hate it. Some will say, I'm convinced that God messed up. And there's some tragic things that happen when sexuality gets twisted and warped. I overheard one woman saying that after so much frustration, she finally felt like she had to do something and she was just going to just pull out and forget about it and stop and shut it down. And she shared how she went to an older woman and told her this is how she was feeling and something had to give. And the older woman, a wise, godly woman, took her by the shoulders and shook her and said, don't do it. Wake up. If you stop, all you're going to do is increase the frustration level, open the door to greater temptation and destroy the very thing you want to try to save. And there is hope and there is help and there are ways that you can improve your sexual relationship. Please don't be ignorant about this. Don't use your sexuality as a weapon. It just destroys. You know, the Bible tells us that sex is a way of really knowing. You know the Hebrew word for intercourse? Genesis chapter 2. It's the word for knowing. It says Adam knew Eve. That's the word. It's what intimacy really, in the physical sense, is defined as being. I need to make a major point here. You know, sex is important, both to men and women. I think it's equally important. And I loathe generalities because I always find people who don't fit them. But I will say that it seems to me that when it comes to sexual activity and intimacy, sex is a more important part of intimacy to men than it is to women. Now, I don't equate the two. I've made a point. I'm not equating the two. But I find that it seems to me that women tend to handle sexual frustration a little better than men do. You know. For them, it's part of it, but it's not as big a part of it. And so, you know, when there's difficulties in separation, you know, when you've had some kind of a spat and you're laying in bed and you roll over and turn the lights out, you know, women can basically like, well, they can shut down and go to sleep. You know, and what do men do? You know, they just simmer all night long. And that frustration, when not addressed, goes on and on and on. And if we're honest, you know, that kind of a thing will lead to all kinds of tragic consequences. You see, that's what opens the door. You see, when we marry, men and women, listen, when we marry, we take a vow of sexual fidelity. We say that everything I've ever dreamed for, hoped for, longed for, even fantasized, I'm counting on you to be that fulfillment. That's an amazing thing. That's a big order, isn't it? If I'm going to have an affair, I'm going to have it with you. If I'm going to be passionately involved, it's going to be with you. That's the vow that we take. But the other side of that is a promise, then, that we need to give ourselves to be that fulfillment, to be that expression, to be that hope that it can come true. And men and women alike, we need to make room in our relationships. I mean, to not just, you know, begrudgingly, dutifully kind of do our thing, but to willingly, I'll even use the word eagerly, be involved in making one another's sexual relationship the most fulfilling it can be. I think we open the door to terrible, demonic strategies to divide couples when we manipulate this part of our relationship. I could give you so many stories. I won't, but I could, where because this area was ignored or withheld or just kind of not addressed, it led to the destruction of a relationship. And God wants it to be the opposite. He wants it to be the most glorious expression, the most joyful, wonderful part of our lives. And I'm pretty much in this long enough now to know that you want it to be that way, too. And if it's not that way, my brother and my sister, don't give up. God is able. As I conclude today, we've looked at a lot of different factors here over the last five weeks. My honest prayer for you is that you won't just let this slide by. I want to urge you now, borrow the tapes. If you don't want to buy them, borrow them. Listen to them again. Listen to them together. Talk about ways in which you can build love that lasts for a lifetime. You know, your relationship is the most important thing to God. I believe that. God does not want a kingdom built by destructive means. He doesn't want couples to go through divorces so that somehow they can go out and minister to others. I don't believe that. Some people... He wants you to be all that He's created you to be. He wants you to enjoy, as I read first of all today, oneness. I in them, they in me, and they one to another, being one together. That's the goal of God. I trust that's your goal with your loved one. Let's stand for prayer. Let's bow together. Lord Jesus, husbands and wives, would you just join hands for a moment? Lord, because of you this morning, because of your desire to so intimately know us, Lord, we commit ourselves afresh to knowing you and knowing each other today. And Lord, I pray that intimacy would grow in the years ahead for every couple here, Lord, and for everyone that's single today, that you'd send them intimate friends. If it be your will, Lord, an intimate partner so that romance throughout life will be a glorious celebration of knowing even as we're known. Lord, take these different things that we've talked about, how to resolve conflicts, how to be a woman of wisdom, a man of maturity, and make us one, Lord, in Jesus' name. In everyone's name. Amen. We're gonna be dismissed in just a moment. I'm gonna ask the elders to come up after the service dismisses. If you'd like prayer for yourself personally for any reason or for your marriage, you come up and the elders will pray with you. I've asked John and Cheryl Riley, married this June 10 years, to sing the closing song of this message and this series that we might celebrate with them and cherish the treasure that we've been given. Let's be seated together. ♪ ♪ I cherish the treasure ♪ The treasure of you ♪ My long companion ♪ I give myself to you ♪ God has enabled me ♪ To walk with you faithfully ♪ And cherish the treasure ♪ The treasure of you ♪ As I obey the Spirit's voice ♪ And seek to do His will ♪ I then can see ♪ The wisdom of His plan ♪ For as He walks His will in me ♪ I then can love you selflessly ♪ And by His grace ♪ I can pledge my love to you ♪ I cherish the treasure ♪ The treasure of you ♪ My long companion ♪ I give myself to you ♪ God has enabled me ♪ To walk with you faithfully ♪ And cherish the treasure ♪ The treasure of you ♪ This sacred vow I make to you ♪ Does not contain an end ♪ Though I'm aware ♪ That trials lie ahead ♪ I will love you ♪ And pray with you ♪ And through it all ♪ I will stay with you ♪ Our home will be ♪ A refuge of unconditional love ♪ I cherish the treasure ♪ The treasure of you ♪ My long companion ♪ I give myself to you ♪ God has enabled me ♪ To walk with you faithfully ♪ And cherish the treasure ♪ The treasure of you ♪ Cherish the treasure ♪ The treasure of you.