Love For A Lifetime I, Exposing the Marriage Myth

Thank you, David, very much, really enjoyed the ministry with us. First Corinthians, chapter seven, turning and reading with me. Verse 32, I would like you to be free from concern for an unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs, how he can please the Lord, but a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world, how he can please his wife and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs. Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit, but a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world, how she can please her husband. And I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way, in undivided devotion to the Lord. Amen. Well, as David said earlier, he's been in some churches where that's as animated as they got. Our little mannequin friends here are to remind us about the theme of this next five week series, Love for a Lifetime. This past New Year's Eve was very special for me. We had a great weekend service and then we had prayers over Pittsburgh on that day. Then our kids all went out that night to parties and kind of left me at home with the woman that I love. This was really exciting stuff. We got to do what we really want to do for the first New Year's Eve that I could remember of a quiet, intimate, but hopefully exciting evening together. I really wanted to be with her. In fact, I felt kind of almost examining my desires in the inside like, well, you know, did you know that it was 20 years ago to the day that we had our first date? I started thinking to myself, for 20 years, I've had these same kinds of feelings for this woman. It's almost like a mystery. 20 years ago, New Year's Eve, 1969, we had our first date when she asked me out. I tell no lies. I got a letter in the mail. We had met one other time at a little school gathering of some kind and got this letter in the mail. I remember she was attractive. I read this letter and she's not only attractive, but she's intelligent and discerning, you know, inviting this man. But anyhow, we had our first date and boy, things took off after that. But if you think that the last 20 years have been nothing but a crescendo of the flames of passion from New Year's Eve, 1969 to 1989, if you think it's been nothing but one love song in the morning and one steamy love ballad at night for the last 20 years, you're wrong, folks. Okay, you're wrong. Like most marriages, we have found ours going through some ups and downs at times. And indeed, most relationships are this way. And you, you folks who are single with us today, I want you to know I've prepared this message with you in mind. And this next five weeks will be with you in mind as well, because all of us have come to a place where we realize that being spiritually minded, just vertically minded to God is the basis of everything, but it's not all that we are. And there are many very spiritual people who are living very miserable lives in their homes because they haven't learned some things that God wants us to learn from his word. And so I want you to walk with me over the next several weeks as we see how to build love for a lifetime. I want to talk about the five stages of marriage, first of all, see if any of these make sense to you. Now, the first stage is the romance stage. And because I've been privileged to do lots of weddings, not as many now as I once did, I did a lot of premarital counseling and I've had a lot of couples walk down this aisle and stand right here. And I want you to know something that's common to every couple I've married. They've all had a sickness. It's a love sickness. They've been bitten by the love bug. They get up here, I see the symptoms, you know, this serious mental preoccupation that's on their mind. And then another symptom that begins to develop is the sudden lapses of rationality. You do things that you never thought you'd ever do. And the final stage of the love sickness is total blindness to the faults of the one that they love. Now, this leads to incredible physiological actions. Like three hour phone calls, long distance or half hour kisses. You remember those, don't you? It's been a long time. Think back. All right. Walks in the rain and in the snow when you places you shouldn't have been, you shouldn't go, but you did, you know, and the total deterioration of all your other responsibilities. You know, Jacob was a man in the Bible who fell in love with a girl by the name of Rachel. And he loved her so much that he went and asked for a hand in marriage. And her father, Laban, said, yeah, you can have Rachel, but you have to work seven years for her. And Jacob was so possessed by the love bug, so sick that he did it. At the end of seven years, Laban slipped Leah in instead of Rachel. Did you read that? Well, Jacob got upset. You know what he did? He said, I still want Rachel to work another seven years. And he did it. Now, this guy was really bitten by the love bug. But this this romance sickness, whatever you want to call it, is just I mean, it's and you know what? I see that every couple that has it thinks they have it like no one else ever did. I mean, we've had some real marriages here, but this is really something and they think that this romance will never end. Guess what? Stage two sets in, I call it reality. Reality can strike any time. It can strike on the honeymoon. It can strike the first week you're home. Two months later, two years later, who knows? But one or both partners come to realize that the object of their pursuit, the person of their dreams and fantasies, the one that they thought they could never obtain, is now someone that they cannot get rid of. You know, it's kind of like the farm dog you charged out chasing passing cars and one day caught one. Now, what do I do with this thing? And there they are with this person that they've entered into a relationship with for the rest of their lives. As the novocaine called romance begins to wear off, we begin to be healed of these lapses of rationality in our eyes. Our blindness gets taken away and we see what we have here. Now, in my counseling sessions, I often have couples come back sometime later and I've had them say to me things like, why didn't you tell me she was so compulsively neat? I said, I did. But you said you'd like to have your socks ironed and she'll come back and say, why didn't you tell me he was so passive? And I'll say I did. But you said you like to open the car door for him now and then, you know, and people are blinded to all these kinds of things. When the romance bug is set in, reality strikes with a vengeance and now you see what you really have. And here's the thing. You don't have it for two years with an option year. You know, like, you know, there's no plan B free agents here, folks. What is this? This is contracts for what? Lifetime. A long, long time. You're locked in and then this leads to the third stage, which I call resentment. You begin to think, wait a minute, this isn't the person that I married. Who is this person I'm with? They're not the same. You know, somebody switch spouses with me here. I thought I was marrying Tom Cruise. It's Manuel Noriega in here. You know, I thought it was Victoria Principle. No, no, it's Roseanne Barr, you got my back. And you realize this can't be happening, but it is. And the resentment begins to boil underneath. By the way, our laughter is good. Some of you are looking at me with eyes like you don't know the truth of all this, but it's true. You know, sometimes the resentment is just of the general variety. We get depressed. We get angry at God and our friends. And we say, I've been had and I've been ripped off. And you're just generally mad because you feel so locked in. Sometimes, by the way, the resentment becomes very focused and you know who it's focused upon, don't you? That person. So you go to work and you have a bad day at the office and someone does some things to you and you come home and who do you take it out on? You know, the object of your frustration, woom, right? As you walk in the door, that person who you once just could do nothing but shower affection on is now the person you can't do anything but shower frustration and anger. Financial problems arise and one says, you never make enough money for us to get what we need. You say, I could never make enough money to get what you think you need. And you know, on and on we go. And then after a while, the couple gets bored and they don't want to be together because the resentment is so intense. And so, you know, Betty says, well, even the garbage gets taken out once a week, Charlie. Resentment just kind of settles in the air. I've been in homes trying to intervene and it's been so thick in there, you have to cut the resentment. And if nothing happens, nothing's dealt with in that stage, we go to the next one, which is rebellion. You see, whereas resentment are those things that you stuff inside and you say, well, I'm going to bear up and I'm going to carry it along. Rebellion is when you just can't put any more in the closet of your heart and you rip open the door and you let loose some of this pent up anger and frustration and unfulfilled expectations and all kinds of things happen. It may be a shootout at the OK Corral. It may be something as serious as abuse or violence or an outburst of temper. It may be a sudden, quick, unannounced departure. Rebellion leads to the times like I had in my office recently where a man comes in and says to me, he said, I know divorce is wrong. I know what the Bible says, but I just cannot go on living like this and I won't. It's like the wife who said. I know I can't. Go through a divorce, and yet she said, I can't stand to be hurt anymore, I don't have any feelings left, I don't have any expression left, I don't have any desire left. I can't go on like this. You see, rebellion is the first stage of a downward spiral of negative choices. Nothing's good at this stage. You can ignore it all and kind of run and hide. You can confront and battle it out. You can flirt and fantasize and lead to the inevitable affair, which destroys so many marriages, or by God's grace, as some of you have experienced here today, you can choose the fifth stage, which is the rebuilding stage. And you can have the courage to say to a counselor or a friend or a leader in the church or home group leader, a pastor, you can say with your heart open and a lump in your throat, you can say, I need some help. Sometimes if just one spouse says, I need some help, it opens the door to rebuilding. And with the Holy Spirit's help and the word of God, a change can come. And I'm looking out now and seeing the eyes of several of you who know exactly what I'm talking about, because a year ago, two years ago, three years ago, that's where you were. I put those five stages up again, please, brother. You see, folks, we can go in and out of these. This doesn't happen just one time. This can go back and forth. And some of you might be in stage four right now. Some of you might be in stage one. But the question I want to ask is, if you know the statistics, most couples get to stage four and then what happens? Divorce, separation and divorce, it's rampant. And though the numbers are telling us that it's leveled off now, it's still that one out of two of new marriages will end in divorce. That's the statistics. Why? I want to ask the question, why? Young people, why? Many of you here today are planning to get married sometime down the road. I want to share with you some important things, these next 10 minutes, that can help you to avoid these terrible pitfalls that so many fall into in marriage. Number one, the reason why so many marriages end up in trouble is because they were never properly prepared for. And I want to share some myths. The first myth is the myth of false expectations. And part of the false expectations that many people come to marriage with is that marriage was designed to end your loneliness. Now, listen carefully, young people, because if you're thinking about getting married, you think, well, that partner is going to come along and all the loneliness that I feel, they're going to take care of. One woman writes this, I can't think of a thing I hate more than being alone. Everywhere I turn, I see couples on TV, in cars, in restaurants, on airplanes. When will I ever find that person to fill the hole in my heart? And I think to myself, that woman is looking for somebody to fill up everything in her. It's empty, the perfect match to fill the void that she thinks that only another person could ever fill. Marriage is seen by her as a cure for loneliness and seen as a way to wholeness. And dear ones, I want to share something with you that's not discussed very often. But even as I talk today, there are millions of people, some here in this room, millions of married people who are very lonely people. Loneliness is not just a problem with single people, it's a problem with married people. In fact, some of the saddest people I know are married people who feel all alone in their marriage. They share a table, they may even share a bed, but they don't share a heart and a soul with someone. And their loneliness is even more grievous because they don't see any solution. They don't even know who to talk to about it. So they put up with years and years and years of living together, but being alone. You see, God created us with two levels of intimacy. Here they are. Level one is a need that only you, another person, can fill. This can be a friend, by the way. The Bible says in 1 Chronicles 20, 17, that David loved Jonathan as his own soul. You can have a friend that's a soul partner. It can be your spouse. But God also created you with another need in your heart. It's a need that another man or woman could never fill, no matter how much in love you are. It's a need that only God can fill for intimacy. You were created with a God-shaped need. Some of you are here today and you know that there's been something you've been searching for and you've never been able to find. I'm telling you what it is right now. It's a relationship with God that will satisfy that hunger in your heart. Now the problem becomes that a lot of couples go out looking for that partner who's going to meet all those intimacy needs. Consciously, they're thinking, well, if I find the right mate, everything's going to be fine. But subconsciously, that other need just continues to be there. And you can imagine the heartbreak when they discover that this man that they love or this woman they love doesn't meet all those needs. And there's still some unsettledness and they don't know why. And then great pressure gets put on the marriage. Many women put tremendous pressure on their husbands to fill all those intimacy needs when God only can fill some of those. And vice versa, men as well. And see, it doesn't all spell out this night nice and clear as I'm explaining it to you. It comes out through all kinds of circumstances. But the bottom line is the same, dear ones. Marriage is not an end to loneliness if you don't have the other part of your heart filled with the presence of God. We're going to talk a lot about intimacy in the coming weeks because I believe it's the one thing that most of us don't really have a handle on building in our lives. Now, another sub-myth under this point is the myth that I'll get married in order to heal my brokenness. This myth says simply that someone out there will help heal the hurts and disappointments and pains that I've suffered in my past life. You know, we may think here as we look around, everyone's so nice and dressed sharp and looks happy. We may think that you're the only hurting person. But I want you to know our culture is laden. It's almost pandemic in our culture. The number of people growing up in broken homes, the number of children who suffer through a divorce and have to deal with those emotions, the number of people whose parents are alcoholics or abusers or whatever. And folks, it's not uncommon for these young people to come along, you know, they're 17, 18, 22 years old, whatever, and they have these hurts that they're carrying along, you know. And by the way, even healthy homes leave hurts. Can I tell you that? Even healthy homes where both partners are there, you know, none of us are perfect parents. And so our kids see those weaknesses and there's a hurt there and they're looking for someone who will come and just kind of put this salve of love over those hurts and disappointments. And so this sometimes, this hurt, even it seems like a pool that we're sort of swimming in. How do I get out of this? And this little five foot, five inch blonde life preserver floats by in the pond. And this guy with the hurts grabs on to this life preserver and says, oh, here's the one that's gonna make me whole. Here's the one that's gonna help me forget the neglect I had. Or vice versa. And it isn't long before they do what most couples do, by the way, which is date intensely, short engagement, and what? Marriage. Most people, most people are married in a short period of time. And then there they are, six months, a year later, and they realize that somehow the hurts are still there. And the life preserver wakes up beside you one day and says, would you please let go a little bit? And then he faces those same rejection pains that he felt two, three, five, ten years ago. Now, you're gonna hear me say something now that I have developed as a conviction over the years. I am convinced that one of the best preventatives to marital heartbreak is a long courtship. The only way you can really know another person is to spend time with them. You're so smitten by the love bug in those first three months, chances are you don't even know what you're looking at. I don't advocate long engagements because I think at that point the plans are so in motion and, you know, all the drives are so operating, it's difficult. But I think even if you're a discerning, mature person, a year is not even enough time to discern fully the person that you're seeking to spend the next 30, 40, 50 years with. What is a year's investment at that point? I think it's worth it. You're gonna hear me say it again and again because I believe that most marriages that fall apart or have great stress do so because the partners really didn't know what they were getting into. Marriage does not heal all your brokenness. And number three under this category, some people marry to ensure their happiness. They figure all I need is that partner. They think this aisle right down here that I watch them walk down, they think they come right down here and walk out and there's nothing but a hallway of glory. I have to say some marriages are like that. I mean, there are some marriages that everything just seems to click forever. You say, well, that's the kind I'm gonna have. Well, maybe you will and maybe you won't. But I've discovered this. Marriage does not change people. Hello? If you were a frustrated, bitter, single person, guess what you're gonna be six months after you're married? Frustrated, bitter, married person. If you're a lustful, violent, angry, single person, six months a year after your marriage, you're gonna be a lustful, violent, married person. Marriage doesn't change people. And by the way, that is the fly in the ointment about missionary dating. Hello? People who think, well, I'll find this guy and, you know, I'll lead him to the Lord and then, you know, everything will be fine. And I see so many disappointed marriages down the road. You see, because people don't change just because they're married. Change comes because you work at it and you agree on certain things and you decide that it's worth paying the price, which I'll talk about in just a moment. And I believe that if we're honest and we look carefully, these three submits here, that marriage will end our loneliness and heal our brokenness and ensure our happiness. If that's why you're looking to get married, you're headed for disappointment. Now, another major myth that I see out there about marriage is the myth of relational regeneration. It's the idea that all the problems we have will just sort of solve themselves with time and just go away. You know what I find goes away if you don't deal with your problems? You know what goes away? Love. Not the problems. They stay there. And so we need to learn how to deal with conflict resolution. Where do you learn to resolve conflicts? Do they teach it in high school? No. Do they teach it in college? No. Graduate school? No. Where do most of us learn to resolve conflicts? We watch our parents resolve them. We learn it at home. That's how we learn it most often. Dear ones, those aren't always the best models. And I have to say, it seems to me that we are woefully, woefully prepared relationally when it comes to marriage. We kind of have two different solutions. When we have a conflict at home, some people take the Eskimo style of conflict resolution. You know what that is? It frees them out. Don't talk. Don't touch. Just sort of sit back and turn up the cold. And over time, you know, you'll win out. Guys come up to me, morning prayer sometimes. Well, I'm talking to my wife in three days and I'm winning. I don't think so. The other style of conflict resolution is the cowboy style. You know, that's where you buckle on to six guns. All right, we're gonna have a fight. And we pull them out and we start popping away, you know, shooting down everything we can think of. And you know, the dust settles and we see who's left standing there. Which style do you use? Unfortunately, most of us enter this relationally intensive period of our lives with underdeveloped skills. We're kind of like the guy jumping out of the airplane who doesn't know what a parachute is and he's got one on his back. He said, where is it? What would I do with this? And he pulls it, but guess what? He pulls it too late. And unfortunately, some of us go through tremendous pain because no one's taught us how to relate, how to solve our conflicts. One of our weeks is going to be devoted entirely to this. The third myth that I think precedes a lot of hurt in marriages is the myth of effortless bliss. Why is your marriage going to work? I ask this question hundreds of times. Want to know the answer? Say it with me. We love each other. We love each other. One of the first questions I ask every couple that I'm going to marry is, what are the goals of your marriage? Invariably, almost without exception, they scratch and say, well, what do you mean goals? I said, what do you want your marriage to produce? Oh, well, we just want to be happy. Oh, well, how are you going to be happy? Well, we just love each other. And that's on and on it goes. This is sort of this eternal circle of be happy, love each other. It just doesn't work that way. The goal of marriage in the Bible is that two become one. To paraphrase it, it's the word intimacy. It's when you are so united with another person that you share with them the innermost thoughts and feelings and desires of their heart. It's a soul companion. And that only comes through years of talking and listening and forgiving, trusting, laying down your rights, giving, praying, worshiping. That's how you build a soul companion in this life. We're going to look at this. But dear ones, those things don't happen just sort of out of the blue. They happen because you decide it's worth working toward. I pray you'll hear this right now. You know, if I asked some of you today, how are you going to improve your business plan for 1990? Most of you tell me I've got these goals. I'm going to do this in these days and it's going to be hard work and I'm going to do it. But it's worth it. Some of you'd say if I asked you, how are you going to stay in shape this year? I'd say, well, hey, I've got a plan. I'm going to run the park. I joined the spa. I'm going to eat right. I'm going to sacrifice something, but it's going to be worth it. If I was going to ask you, how are you going to improve your marriage? You know what you're going to say? Well, gee, I just, we love each other. I hope it gets better. I'm going to read a book. I'll buy the tape. I don't know, you know. This, like, it's just going to sit back and happen. It doesn't work that way. Marriage takes work. Let's say it. Marriage takes work. Now, lest you think, and I know some of you are thinking, some single people last night said, you know, after your message, I said, I'm glad I'm single. Let me say this. It's worth the work. And the things I'm sharing with you are born out of years of watching couples go through these stages and wanting to help them. I want you to know it's very difficult when relationships sink down so low to reconstruct them, but God can do it and has done it. The much better approach is to do some things now to ensure that it won't happen in your life. Work at it. Creatively work at it. Turn the TV off every once in a while. Prayerfully work at it. Go out with some other people. You know, there's some folks here that have 40 years of good married life together. They could share some things with you. But it takes some work. It takes some effort, determination that your marriage is going to work and be blessed. And when you find that blessing, listen now, you have something that money cannot buy. If you get a true partner of heart, a soul companion, you have something that the richest millionaire that you know could never buy. You know that? You can buy sex, but you can't buy intimacy. And you're a rich man. You're a rich woman if you have intimacy. We can all share intimacy with God. That's his gift to us. And we can share it with another as we make ourselves available. Greatest moments I know are just the moments when things settle down enough to enjoy the intimacy, the communion of partnership with my wife. She's the only one in the world that I share that level with. And I'm the only one that she shares it with. That's God's gift to me and to her. And you all can know that at some level. The question I have as I conclude this morning is, are we willing to look down the next four weeks and say, I'm willing to grow in this. If you're a single person, believe me, I want to say again, I've been very sensitive to your perspective on this. We're going to share some things that will help you discern how to go into a marriage in a positive way. If you're an older single person, I think there'll be some things that will be shared along the way that will help you to not just accept, but to embrace where you are, even as the scripture I read today would state. Because God has a plan for you. You're special to him. He knows your needs and he knows your heart's desires. And I'm ready by the end of these five weeks to say that my love is going to be a love for a lifetime. And it's going to last and grow better every year. Amen. Let's stand together and pray. Father God, we so desire to have all that you have planned for us. Join a hand with someone next to you, please. If it's your spouse, join a hand. If it's a friend, even if it's a stranger, join a hand with him right now. Brother or sister, join a hand. Lord, the miracle of life is that we're called to live it together. And Father, I know that a message like this stirs up regret and hurt in some. Years lost of sorrow and pain in others. And a great deal of hope for some who say, I want to work. I want things to be better. I want to marry a person that I know. I can enjoy soul companionship, heart love with for the years ahead. And I pray, Lord, that every one of us would know that you will apply this word right to our hearts. In Jesus precious name. I love you more than anything. I love you more than anything. I love you.