Home Improvements II, 10 Traits of A Strong Family

I want to thank the groundskeepers that came out yesterday and beautified everything outside. It's just so wonderful to finally see glimpses of spring everywhere. Those of you who are serving in that way have served us well. In case I forget, following the service today, there's going to be a memorial gathering for Peggy Knosp. We felt it was appropriate to gather to honor Peggy and to thank the Lord for her life. It will be in room 104, right through those doors, just a few minutes after the service ends today. Anytime you experience something new, it helps a great deal if you know what normal is. If you know what you're supposed to be expecting. A few years ago I was able to fly my family down to Hilton Head for a week's vacation. To get there, you fly by commercial jet to Charlotte. And then you've got to get on one of those little commuter planes. Well, the commercial jet part was a blast. But I noticed that when the plane rolled up to the gate, the little prop plane that we were going to get on to go down to Hilton, the kids kind of looked out the window and turned to me and said, Is that it, Dad? And then they were increasingly nervous when we didn't get on one of those big jetways and walk into the plane, but we walked out on the tarmac and up the steps and had to duck our head to get in and find a seat. And their little eyes got bigger and bigger and their hearts raced faster and faster as those little props wound up in the plane, bucked and shifted like this. And they were kind of like holding real tight to their seatbelts. And we finally got up in the air and things were doing pretty well. And all of a sudden we hit an air pocket or two. And those little planes, they can drop and then get up. I turned around and looked at them and they were just wondering what to do with their cookies at that time. And their little faces were getting white and they were saying, Dad, is everything OK? I turned to them and said, Relax, guys, this is normal for one of these little planes. It's just the way it is. Well, we finally made it down and landed and they were kind of glad to get off. They said, Dad, that was really fun, but could we take a van next time? Twelve hours in a van, but no more of those little commuter planes. Unfortunately, we had to fuck. Same way we came, gang, and we learned. But what's normal? I remember when Amy was brought home from the hospital. Remember this mom? And all these people there and it's great for a few days. Mom comes and helps. But then mom leaves and there you are, first little baby. This little bundle and you're there. And you've got to be the one that takes care of it 24 hours a day. And you're wondering, well, what's normal with this little one? When are they supposed to eat and how much do they eat? Are they supposed to cry? And I remember many times Carol being on the phone with her mom or my mom and she's saying, is it normal for him to cry for half an hour straight? Is it normal for husbands to heave when he's supposed to change the diapers? Never get up at night to help, is that all normal? But as we walk through life, we encounter new circumstances. We wonder, what's normal? What's to be expected? What should we be concerned about? If you look in the dashboard of most cars and trucks these days, you'll see temperature gauges and oil pressure gauges and voltmeters. The average driver doesn't really know what that's all about. I mean, is 180 degrees of temperature in your car good or bad? Is 40 pounds of oil pressure good or bad? And so to kind of help the average guy out there, manufacturers a few years back, put some background behind those gauges that kind of help you see by color, blue, green, red, what's normal out there? Are we going to try to do it, Susie? I don't know if you can see this or not, just because of the light and everything is in here. Let's drop the lights for a second, guys. Can you see that? Yeah, you can get the idea. What's really normal? There's the green range. Well, if you can't see that, they have things in your car. If you can't see the gauges, they have little lights that come on when things aren't normal. What are those called? Yeah, well, let's just leave that. That's the alternative, okay? But you get the idea. These gauges. So what's normal in a car? What's normal in life? And today, I want to talk about what's normal in a family. What is a normal family really all about? What's to be expected? What do you need to kind of be concerned about? What's the green range, if you will, in a family? And there's two reasons I want to do this. I want you to reflect a little bit on your family of origin, the one that you grew up in, many years ago perhaps, because some of the things that you're experiencing today are a direct result of that. And number two, I want you to describe a range, I want you to describe a range that you would be comfortable with in your family today. A range. You say, okay, this is where my family today really is functioning. Now, many of us are doing family for the first time. It'd be nice if we could do family for the second time, wouldn't it? I've had grandparents say, man, if I were a parent this time around, I'd be a lot better parent. Right, grandparents? I learned a lot of things. But, hmm, don't have that opportunity. So if you're doing family for the first time and you're investing energy and prayer and resources and love, you want to know, am I doing things right or am I kind of, you know, where am I on all this? Let me just say again to singles, there'll be things here today that you can apply to people that you love. And to grandparents, you might be able to help your kids. It's never really too late to grow on these things. Now, in order to help, I want you to take out your insert, please. Take out your insert. Got it? Looks like this. Okay, got it. It's long and it's kind of full today, right? Here's why. This is going to help us and I'm going to race through this today and yet I'm not going to speed so fast that I edit along the way. And I want you to bear with me on this because I think it's really going to help us. And my greatest desire would be for you to be able to take this home with you and use it as a point of discussion a little bit longer, a little bit later on today or perhaps this week. And by the way, having 10 things on here is not infallible. This is just a guideline. This is just, maybe you have 15 or 20. Someone said, well, why don't you just make it five? It'd be a shorter message. I don't think you can do it in five. I think it takes more than that. So here we go. Number one, let's talk about the first trait of a healthy family is unconditional love. Something that you don't find anywhere else in life, really, it seems to me. This trait is extremely rare in our lifetimes. It's an almost irrational commitment to the well-being of each and every member of the family. It's life-giving love. It's love that's given and received in such a way that every member of that family, regardless of their age or sex or competency, listen, or even their attractiveness, knows that they are loved unconditionally. Now, the source of that love is the same thing that John wrote about in 1 John 3 when he said, Behold what manner of love the Father has granted or lavished unto us that we should be called. And see, John was modeling sons of God. Lord, behold what manner of love the Father has poured out on us that now I'm an adopted son in the family of God. It's that source of love that God is saying today is to be at work in our households. Love that melts hearts and motivates one another to hang in there with each other. Healthy, earthly families display stunning amounts, I mean, almost irrational amounts of this love. And that just makes them normal when they do that. You know, I have discovered this. Many times that love is not really appreciated by the family member until he or she leaves home. And so then you get a 20-year-old co-ed who calls home and has been thinking about all this and says, You know, I just can't believe the hundreds or maybe thousands of expressions of love that I received growing up in my home. Words that were said. Embraces and hugs that were given. Conversations entered into. Warnings and boundaries that were laid down. Support for my piano lessons and my choir rehearsals and my track meets and dances and proms. For my laundry and my food and my friends coming over and my birthday parties and help with my homework. And as that list of all those expressions of love goes on and on, her appreciation for her home of love grows and her sense of self-worth increases. And she increasingly finds welling up in her this sense of, I am loved. I am important. I matter. Well, the kind of love that a 28-year-old man feels like I did when I held my first baby. And I looked down at her and I thought, I want to so pour out my love into you. I so want you to know that you're important, that you're special, that I'll do everything in my power to provide for you and that you'll always be aware that I'll be there for you no matter what. I mean, it's almost irrational. And that kind of love, by the way, needs to be expressed or it doesn't really get through. So many people have difficulty expressing love. They can't say the words. They can't even demonstrate it. And yet, psychologists tell us that love needs to be clearly transmitted 8 to 12 times every single day for that message to keep flowing through. 8 to 12 times a day, a look, a word, a touch of love. And that's not that easy, is it? I mean, sometimes when you start the day off in the deficit column and you get a little bit behind and you're running out the door and you're in a battle posture instead of a love posture. Ever try to make up for that? A few days ago, Carol was cleaning some dishes and standing over the sink and I came over and I was doing this and I got to about 9 of these. She said, what are you doing? I said, I'm trying to get to 12. She said, it doesn't count, honey, it doesn't count. I've got some work to do. Two questions for you. Did you receive love in your home of origin? Did you know that you were unconditionally, irrationally cared about? And number two, is that the kind of love that's going on in your family right now? If I took a poll of your family members, would each one of them say, I feel that love at work in me, I hear it expressed, I see it, I know it's down deep inside my soul? Would they? Number two, families that are healthy communicate steadily in grace and truth. Folks, this appears in every survey about what's important in the family. Open communication. And the relationship that establishes that communication pattern potential is the relationship between mom and dad. If mom and dad can talk openly and vulnerably, if they can listen lovingly, if they can say difficult things to each other in gracious ways, it increases the likelihood that the rest of the family will operate in a similar fashion. You know, in my youth ministry days, 15 or 20 years ago, a pattern developed that after every youth meeting, we'd get to the end of the meeting, and then kids would just hang around. They wouldn't go out. And they'd want to stay and talk on and on. And usually, the conversation would begin with something like, well, I've got this problem at home, and here's what it is. And I would listen. And after a while, I'd interrupt and say, you know, I will stay and pray with you. I'm interested in what's happening. But could you maybe talk to your dad or your mom about this? I mean, it's really about them, isn't it? And they'd always say to me something like, well, I'd really like to, but dad travels a lot, and mom's got a job, and they don't have time to listen. Or they just get mad, and they shut down when I bring this up. Or something about the fact that kids weren't able to get through, so they found some other adult to talk to. And I kind of committed myself early on in my parenting to say to my kids, I want our home to be a place where we can talk, where you can just talk about things. And I know it's a two-way street, but parents, can I tell you this? I think it's your role to be available to talk when the kids are ready to talk. You know, it's kind of like fishing. How many fisher people do we have? Don't you wish you'd drop your line in the water and you'd get a bite right away? Is that the way it usually happens? No, what do you have to do? You've got to wait until the fish are ready. And communicating with kids is a lot like that. You just have to have your line open, have to have it in the water. And when they're ready, you better be on the other end. You know what? In our family, it usually doesn't happen at very convenient times. It's 12.15 in the morning or 12.30 a.m. And all of a sudden, David wants to talk. Oh, great. Oh, did I have a good week at school? Oh, good. Tell me about it. But you've got to be ready. You've got to talk about it. Families that are healthy learn to communicate openly and they create little windows of opportunity where honest exchanges can take place. I have found often times you have to get outside the routine of home life to get things to open up a little bit. Because if you don't, people get stuck. So you go out, you go for a walk, you go to the park, whatever. But healthy families, whether it's at dinner time, at bedtime, Saturday morning breakfast, Sunday brunch, how many have family nights in your schedule? Ever try a family night? I've heard all kinds of stories about families. But it's an attempt to communicate. And that becomes a normative thing in a healthy family. Again, two questions. Did you have that kind of open communication in your family of origin? And how about now? Are your family members talking back and forth? Are they helping each other to really express things? Have you ever noticed how God seems to join opposites in relationships in a family? I don't know whether he's just experimenting or just has a great sense of humor, but how many of you are married to or have an opposite in your family? I mean, I know in my family, when he comes, we are really diverse. We are across the spectrum. Just trying to plan a family vacation can lead us into binding arbitration with a family counselor. A couple of summers ago, we were trying to plan where to go on a vacation. Jonathan wanted to go to the mountains so he could go climbing and hiking. David wanted to play golf and tennis. Amy wanted the beach. Carol wanted lots of restaurants, please. And I just wanted kind of quiet, you know? Not a lot of people around. Well, we communicated in truth and grace. I mean, we dialogued and openly talked through it. We ended up on a beach with lots of restaurants around. David played putt-putt. Jonathan climbed the walls and I stayed in my room. I mean, even picking a restaurant in our family is a real... I mean, it's a real deal. You know, Jonathan wants bulk. David wants quick. Amy wants nutritional. Carol wants atmosphere and I want cheap. And that's the way we were. I mean, I often wonder... I don't know how our family is going to make it through the end of this whole thing. But then I'm reminded that God said in His Word, I mean, He makes it very clear that each person in our family is fearfully and wonderfully made. Could we put that up, please? Fearfully and wonderfully made. That means, it says to me, that God is the one when in the womb, He fashioned the different parts of our personalities. He knew exactly what He was doing. So that quiet one in your family is there on purpose. That outgoing one was God's design. That kind of one who doesn't seem to always line up with what you would expect. Well, God knew that. And if God loves them and affirms them just as they are, can we do any less? We need to learn to like and love them just as they are. In some ways, I believe the family is a sort of training camp to help us learn to love and encounter others who are different from us with the love of Christ in a meaningful way. It's a testing ground for relationships, I would say. Healthy families don't have any black sheep. They don't play favorites even if there's one child that's always achieving on top of the class. And the goal isn't to crank out, you know, five or six or seven or eight all little robots who look and talk the same. The goal is to help each child discover and develop and affirm the unique gifts that God has put into them. So that every family member can one day look back in those years and say, my family was the one place where I knew I could just be me. And they loved me. Again, two questions. Was it that way in your home when you were growing up? How about your home today? Number four. Healthy families vow never to abuse or shame or control one another. You see, a healthy family realizes that along with close, intimate living comes the risk of deep hurt. And some certain violations do so much damage that they must be categorically outlawed without exception. And I know it's a little quiet in here today. And when I talk about this it's going to be real quiet. Because, folks, I want to just draw the curtain back a little bit on this whole subject of abuse. And if you had any idea of the stories that could be told in just this gathering today, I believe your heart would break. Because, you see, abuse in the family is one of those things that you really don't understand unless you've been there. And in the opinion of many, it has more power to wound the human spirit than any other kind of failure or breakup or betrayal or crime or even war. Hurtful as those other things may be, experts will tell you that nothing compares or competes with the damage that can be done to a soul. A soul that has come to look to a parent to give them love and nurture and care and kindness and instead they find some kind of abuse that shatters something in them. It's something that takes years and I can tell you even a lifetime to repair. You see, when a child is yearning for emotional support from his parents and instead gets shamed. You loser. You loser. It just destroys their soul. When a child is yearning for tender words from mom or dad and instead gets yelled at or raged over, he or she withdraws and their soul is destroyed. When a child is needing and yearning for a hug or a touch of love and instead gets a slap across the face or a punch in the ribs, it does some damage that just doesn't repair real easily. And need I say it, if a child is just beginning to discover the mysteries of his or her sexuality, you know, that tender kind of mix of scare and excitement and wonder. And then some night a dark shadowed figure appears at the base of the bed with an agenda that makes all heaven turn its head in horror. What does that do to a child? It destroys. The damage is incalculable. Healthy families recoil at the very thought of these things. They vow never to be abusive in any way, including shaming, you know, by comparing one child against the other or by controlling or by intimidating as some will want to do. They make a pact and they keep it. Never to abuse or shame or control or intimidate. I have to ask you, if this is something that happened to you and your family of origin, have you been helped in the process of working that out? Because much of what you're struggling with today could be directly a result of that in your life. And can I say this? I hope that every one of you will make a commitment from this moment on to never allow that in your family. This is a big one. I mean, you could do lots of other things right. You could have the other nine just hitting home runs. But if you drop on this one, it's a real hard fall. Number five, a healthy family shares a common spiritual foundation. I'm going to spend the entire message next week on Mother's Day covering this one. Establishing a spiritual foundation in the family. Folks, I guess I could say this probably very candidly. Next week's message is the most important one in this series. Because if you don't have a foundation that's laid, what I'm seeing these days is that many of our young people have a little bit of God. And many parents have taken a passive sort of posture hoping that maybe the church or the youth group or Young Life or the TV or radio, someone else will make up for their kids, in their kids, what they have been reluctant to do. And that is to craft a spiritual presence in their life. I pray you'll be here next week to hear that. I just want to say it's too important to let it go and to hope that maybe they'll pick it up. You've got to take the proactive posture for your kid's spiritual foundation. Number six, respect for others. In healthy families, there's a respect for others that's inculcated in our children. You know, authorities are far from drawing any final conclusions or any guilt to anyone in the Oklahoma City bombing. But everything I've read about the people that are being currently held is that they had strange family backgrounds. Weird things. And they were taught a lack of respect for authority. You know, what's at the root really of hatred and racism and the ever destructive, listen, peer presence, I'm sorry, peer pressure that I see present in so many of our high schools today? What's at the root of kids battling it out in our high schools, kind of standing off of each other? What is that? I'll tell you what I think it is. Parents, we have a lot more self-searching to do than we might think when our kids are getting rejected at school. What's going on there? They're just picking up what they've seen in their homes. And that's a lack of respect and honor for other people. Philippians 2.2 says, Make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. You see, the bedrock value of all this is that God sees us all as valuable. He sees every one of us as important. And if we teach our kids when they're small and young and as young children, the little song that says, Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. Say it with me. Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight. If they learn that in their soul, they grow up with that and they learn to treat other kids that way when they're in high school situations. And they learn to treat people of other races that way as they encounter them in life and begin to grow and understand that life is much bigger than their little world. Kids see it at home. They sense it at home when they learn it in the home. I remember one moment above just about all others in terms of correction that I received as a child. And I received a few, I have to tell you. But when I was a young high school, maybe 9th grade, maybe 9th or 10th grade, I came home one evening and we were talking about it was a summer day and we'd been out and my folks asked me what we'd been doing and so I talked about being part of a pickup football game and I was complaining about losing it. Maybe I was a little younger, maybe it was 8th grade now that I think about it. And I said, yeah, we lost again because, well, we had Cliffy on our team. I said, well, who's Cliffy? I said, you know who I mean, don't you? It was clubfoot Cliffy. And Cliffy was a guy that had a clubfoot before the days when corrective surgery could take care of that, I guess. But he tried to compete at every level in sports and he just couldn't run, he couldn't keep up. And whosoever team got him, they always picked on him and always, that team would always lose because Cliffy just wasn't able to keep up. And I said, here we had Cliffy and I was making some fun of the whole situation. I remember at the table, my dad reached over and grabbed my wrist like that and started to squeeze. And he looked me right in the eye and he said, son, we don't talk about handicapped people that way. We never do. Your mom has a handicapped brother, your Uncle Steve. And we know what it's like to be laughed at and mocked and insulted. And we never talk about people that way. My hand was turning a little blue. I said, okay dad, I understand. I understand. And I never forgot that. My mom and dad taught me to respect people of color for who they were. Even if I didn't understand everything about them or what they did or their culture. And remember church, and I've said it before, I'll say it again, you've never looked into the eyes of a person that God doesn't love and value. And we need to impart into our kids a sense of worth of a human being just because they're created in the image of God. If Jesus values all people enough to give his life for them, ought we not to do the same? And if we don't do it in our families, it's not going to get done. Did that happen in your family? How about now? Is it happening now? Parents, are you doing that now? Number seven, we need to learn to instill a sense of responsibility in our kids. A sense of responsibility. I heard a report, I was admittedly just a little under, almost ready to doze off before dinner steak, but I did hear it. And I won't mention the denomination, but there was a major denomination in this country this week who announced that the treasurer of the denomination had embezzled 2.2 million dollars from the church. And she had accumulated lots of jewelry and stuff and cars and a vacation home and college tuition and so on. And at the end of the report, she was denying responsibility because she had psychological stress in her life. This was on ABC News. And there's a growing sense of frustration and maybe even outrage in our culture that nobody's taking responsibility for anything anymore. As Francis Anfuso said a few months ago, we're a nation of victims. Nobody's taking responsibility. Not politicians, not the welfare kings and queens, not the alcoholics, not the kids with student loans that are delinquent, not the illegal aliens. Nobody. Bill Bennett said this in a recent article in Newsweek, The only hope for our society is to revive such virtues as self-control and prudence and honor and fidelity to commitments. And that kind of training must begin in the home where family members instill a sense of responsibility in each other. And I couldn't agree more. Healthy families are always reminding each other that we can't always be takers. We have to learn to be givers in our homes, in our church and in our society. We must all do our part in giving as well as in the taking into things. Healthy families teach such basic life lessons as we must live within our means. We must pay our bills on time. We must keep our commitments. We must show up when we say we will. Become a person of our word. Come through when we promise we will and work until our chore is done. These hundreds of little character lessons are what make a young person become a mature responsible adult. I've got to ask you again. Did this happen to you when you were growing up or did you learn it the hard way? And are you using life as an opportunity to teach your kids responsibility in an appropriate way? Number eight. Families that are healthy this is one of my favorite ones learn to play together. They learn to have fun together. Ask any parent or any kid or any family member what's a memory that you hold dear in your upbringing? It's when we were on the camping trip and they'll describe how a thunderstorm struck in the middle of the night, blew the tent down, their sleeping bags filled with water, animals were crawling all over people and they laugh about it but down in their heart they remember those times together. It's important to them. Those are the most endearing and enduring memories that many families have. It can be, you know, taking a trip to the lake or playing tennis or making some crafts together. It can be miniature golf or board games or hiking or fishing but you know what? It's hardly ever where we spend a night watching TV. Oh, honey, remember back in 88 when we watched TV? I don't think so. Something very significant and very memorable happens when we play together. I mean, it fosters a sense of warmth and safety and a sort of positive exclusivity. This is us doing this thing. Just us and we're here together. I'll tell you, I know my kids won't forget the times that we took together just to be, I mean, you know, the van rides, the camping trips, the overnighters, the times when we went out together swimming or whatever. They just, they talk about those things all the time. Remember when. Let me ask you, did you play together as a family? Are you enjoying your kids, the scripture, Psalm 127? Look at this scripture. Children are a gift from God. They are His reward. Children are like sharp arrows. Happy is the man whose quiver is full. Psalm 127, that should be. Happy is the man. Are you happy? Well, this next verse. Enjoy life with your wife whom you love. Enjoy life. Watch the elbows. Enjoy life. That should be an easy one to fulfill. I'll claim that promise. Number nine. Celebrate meaningful traditions and rituals together. Make no mistake about this one, folks. It shows up in all the literature even though it may not appear to be very important. It seems that something significant happens when families have a few, it doesn't have to be a whole lot, but a few things that they do consistently in terms of their ritual or tradition together. You know, when you peel it all back, why is that? Well, I'll tell you what I think. Why do families value this? The main reason is it gives them a certain value that they can't get any other way and that value is security or permanence. A sense that what they're doing has always been important. It's important now and it's going to be important whether it's where they go on Thanksgiving or Christmas or Easter or even birthdays. See, what's being communicated underneath all that is we're going to be here and in a culture where the families are blowing up left and right for kids to know that they're going to be there again next year, it's very, very important. We didn't have a whole lot of those things and in the ministry you tend to lose a lot of those holiday special things and so, but Scott, if you'll give me that plate, please. One of the things that we do and have done for years, thank you, on a special occasion, whether it was a birthday or a great achievement, at least always on a birthday, we'd get out this little red plate that says, you are special today. Don't laugh if you're a teenager. It's kind of corny sounding, but it sure is important. And, you know, we'd all sit down at the table and Carol would pile up the food and bring it on out there and then there would just be that little moment of, ah, it's my day, you know. Food was the same, but I mean, there it is. And they'd sit down and they just knew that every birthday they were going to get the red plate. It was so important that I can remember maybe five or six years ago, one of the kids had a birthday and Carol forgot the plate and there was a panic. Ah! Where's the plate? Aren't I special anymore? What is it for you? Is there some little something that you do that the kids will always remember? It's important that you impart that to them. Are they special today? Here you go, Pastor Scott. Total confidence. We rehearsed it. Just kidding. No, we did. It's a fake heirloom, actually. What about your family? Is that something you do I just pray that you're doing that. It's important. Alright, number ten. Healthy families learn how to become a ministry team together. You know, over the years I've noticed that this is something that's increasingly lost in our culture and it's kind of sad. I think it should be a normal quality in the family. I don't know if it's geography and kids moving around so much and mobility or if it's age and interest differences but I believe there's something very special and healthy about families that share a ministry together. Look at this scripture, 1 Corinthians 16, 15. It says this in the Living Bible, Stephanus and his family were the first to become Christians in Greece and they are spending their lives helping and serving Christians everywhere. Spending their lives helping and serving Christians everywhere. Folks, this is not that difficult to do. But it is a very wonderful thing when you at an early age enter into a ministry, enter into a serving capacity with your family. For many of you it could just be hospitality. Just having people over to your home. I remember when we were in the youth ministry especi