Great To Be Home III, Checkmate, Finding the Love Of Your Life

Well, I just need to let you know that Anita and Brad are actually Doug and Amy Melder. Where are they? Doug and Amy, just stand up. They're a real couple. They already made it. Where are you guys? In here? Where are you? There they are, way over here. Thanks, guys. Appreciate that very much. Chip, you need some work there. Okay. Good job. Well, you know, it's fun to laugh at that. Now, how many of you can relate to at least one of those in your dating life, you know, where somebody showed up and whatever. But the issue is that sometimes we start in those choices and those choices snowball and it isn't long before we're in a real mess. And we want you to hear a live story this morning of a person who made some choices to kind of step outside of what she knew was right because of the needs in her life. And she made some choices and got into a difficult situation looking for love in the wrong places and how God met her in the midst of that. And we're going to hear a song that talks about the prayer of many of us is that that person that you know that is out there for you will wait for that moment when the time is right. But let's give a warm welcome to Penny Wippenbeck as she comes to share. Come on, Penny. Thank you so much for staying all through services. Bless you. Go ahead. Hi. My name is Penny Wippenbeck, and I would like to share with you the journey I took in learning to let God be the orchestrator of my life. I grew up in a Christian home in Monroeville and began a habit of going to church every long-term relationship to another. After attending college, I took a teaching job near Altoona. I was two hours away from my family and most of my friends. I had yet to find a church in the area that embraced the teaching and worship that I had come to know in my church in Monroeville. I was lacking solid Christian influence from my family, friends, and a church. I started dating a guy who was eager to take me out, show me around, and introduce me to his friends and family. This provided the companionship I was searching for. He was not a Christian, and that allowed me to have a lot of fun with him. that kept me entertained and allowed me to meet more people. I could feel that my relationship to Christ was being strained, and some of my values were being compromised, but I enjoyed the social interaction that this lifestyle provided. Ultimately, I began to realize that this entertaining lifestyle was really fueled by his addiction to alcohol. I could now see that I was in a relationship with an overly possessive alcoholic who had an explosive temper that was at times physically abusive. I tried several times to end the relationship over the next year and a half, but was never completely successful because his obsession to keep us together was too powerful for me to handle. I was stalked, harassed, threatened, and physically injured, but none of this compared to the mental manipulation I endured daily. As an example, during one breakup attempt, he would leave a dozen or more messages daily on my answering machine, pleading to meet with me. If I didn't pick up, he would drive to my house and bang on the door, hoping for me to answer. Sometimes I had to hide in the dark, listening to the relentless pounding at the door, just to avoid confrontations. Eventually, it got to the point where I had to spend a night at a co-worker's house. I knew in my heart that God had better things in store for me than this mess I placed myself in. I began faithfully attending a local church, which helped me escape the anguish of my daily life and began to strengthen my Christian foundation. It was there that what the Bible said about being unequally yoked was finally very real to me. I knew this relationship had to end, but this last breakup would prove to be more difficult than I could handle. It would have to be done through God's strength and not my own. The harassments and threats increased. After he broke a window to get into my apartment and went into a rage at a local restaurant, it was necessary to get a police restraining order in another attempt to keep him away from me. I was living in daily fear, and I knew the only way to escape it was to physically leave the area. With the prayerful support of my family, I quietly left my teaching position of eight years, sold my car, and didn't leave a forwarding address, but believed that God was going to provide me with a teaching job and a better life back in Pittsburgh with my family. This was a true step of faith because for years I had heard stories of the difficulty of finding a teaching job here. I simply believed that if I finally gave this mess over to the Lord and allowed Him the chance to set me on the right path, He would. After sending out 170 resume packets, I was hired in the Pine Ridgeland School District. This was the beginning of realizing what God could do if I could just believe. In June of 1998, my sister and her husband offered to let me live with them while I began rebuilding my life. They attended North Way and invited me to join them. The first time I entered the sanctuary, I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of God's presence. As I sang the words to The Power of Your Love, I began crying, knowing that I wanted God's love to surround me and hold me close as I waited for Him to unfold the next steps of my journey. And this is where I would find true healing. At North Way, I began building friendships and fulfilling my social needs, but this time based in a Christian environment. For the first time, I was able to place my focus on strengthening my commitment to Christ and not on having a relationship with a boyfriend. I realized that I needed to work through my past failures and become the Christian woman that God intended for me to be. My mother, who was hoping for me to meet a nice Christian guy, would ask me each week if I had met anyone special at church. I had to remind her that finding someone to date wasn't my purpose for attending church. In fact, I wasn't even looking. I just wanted to spend time building my relationship with Christ and becoming comfortable being by myself. I felt God was developing characteristics in me that would be necessary if and when I met the man He intended for me to marry. I trusted that God was also molding my future husband into the godly man that he needed to be. One evening at church, Pastor Dave suggested saying hello to someone you didn't know as you left the sanctuary. As I was leaving, I heard a voice say, Hey, I don't know you. My name is Thomas. We talked for a short while that evening and slowly began to develop a friendship. We met mostly at church and at group social activities. Our friendship grew stronger because Thomas was somebody I was able to trust in and confide in. We discussed personal struggles and he was there to provide support and advice. Three months into our friendship, Thomas shared that he was developing feelings for me beyond friendship. His comments surprised me because I didn't share the same feelings. I felt we were friends and nothing more, and I was concerned about the risk of moving from friendship to romance. I didn't want to jump into another temporary dating relationship. I said that I would pray about it and see where God was leading my heart. As I earnestly prayed to seek God's will, my affection for Thomas intensified. God had cleverly provided an answer to prayer and I almost didn't realize it. We began dating in May of 1999 and Thomas surprised me again by asking me to marry him in December of that same year. We set a wedding date for July 8, 2000 and were married by the same pastor who prompted our initial meeting. When I thought and think about the path the Lord has led me down to get me where I am today, I am amazed at the way he works. I had no way of knowing that the abusive relationship I was once in was actually the catalyst for me to begin my search for a deeper and stronger relationship with Christ and eventually lead me to North Way, where God was already preparing the man I would marry. This whole experience has allowed me to see what incredible things God has waiting for me if I just seek him first. Thomas and I now walk life's path together and are looking forward to any future surprises the Lord has in store for us. Thank you. Good job. It's a song by Rebecca St. James about holding your values and waiting for that person that God has in mind for you. Let's stand together and pray. Let's ask his blessing on this time. Father, we ask you right now as we stand before you, we say, Lord, cause our ears to hear what you would say. And if we're single today, Lord, I pray that we listen very carefully for so much is at stake. And if we're married, Lord, help us to know that there will be ways that we can take these truths today and weave them in for our relationship as we know it or help others in that journey. Thank you for the truth of your word that we cling to today in Jesus' name. Amen. All right, let me ask you to take a seat and go ahead and grab your outline out of your notes. You're going to want to take notes today because this is a message that will be of value to you if not today at some point in your journey. When it comes to the subject of finding the love of your life, I felt we needed to go to the experts, so we did. We went to a little panel of kids to ask them the questions that we have about love, marriage, and dating. And so we asked the question, what do most people do on a date? Martin, age 10, said, on the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Sounds like Martin's been out there on the field for a while. Then the great debate, is it better to be single or to be married? Sherry, age 9, it's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Will, age 7, said, it just gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. Then how do people in love typically behave? Wendy, age 8, says, when a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and don't get up for at least an hour. I say Wendy has some high expectations. I wouldn't want to be her husband. How do you make love endure? How do you make love endure? Brian, age 8, don't forget your wife's name. That helps. David, also age 8, says, be a good kisser. That might make your wife forget you never take out the trash. That's worked for me for quite a few years. Here's a great question for the role of beauty and physical attraction and so on in love. What should you look for? Christine, age 9, beauty's only skin deep, but how rich you are can last a long, long time. Wrong values, Christine. And then, finally, what are some guaranteed foolproof ways to make sure that a person you like falls in love with you? Dale, age 6, says, tell him you own a whole bunch of candy stores. That could work. Camille, age 9, Camille's out there on the edge, shake your hips and hope for the best. I wouldn't want to be her dad, would you? She's heading out there. But without question, there needs to be a little more guidance in this area of choosing a maid. I wish someone had told me some of the things I'm going to tell you, but there's not that much out there. And so we all just tend to follow our romantic inclinations. I've tried to make this as simple as a 1, 2, 3, 4 kind of process, but of course there's a lot more to it than that. So let's dig in and just see what we can take away. And again, I want to underscore, if you're not single today, you're saying, man, I picked a lousy day to come to church. That's not true. In fact, there's going to be some things very specifically you can take away with you, and at least you're going to know someone you can share this with, if not in your own life. I think there's going to be some other applications as well. And if you're a parent or grandparent, you want to keep this material around when the time is right. So let's look, first of all, 1, 2, 3, 4, number one, I want to say this, this is the number one decision in all of life. Next to following Christ, whether or not you're going to follow Christ, who you're going to marry is the most important decision of your life. Now, whether or not you choose to marry, of course, comes first, and then whom you choose to marry will have an enormous impact. And you know what? You say, well, that's sort of obvious. Well, it's not that obvious, because in a recent poll by Christian pollster George Barna, here's what he found. This is desires that teens hold for their future, of the top 19 desires, what do you think was number one? Number one was having a college degree. They thought that would make them the happiest for life. Well, hello? Having a comfortable lifestyle, well, that's nice, but that's not, both of those are much less important than when they chose third, which is having a marriage partner for life. My experience, they got those out of whack. This is the most important decision, and the evidence for poor decision making in this subject are everywhere, aren't they? Broken hearts, broken lives, broken homes, I can't tell you the amount of pain, far more emotional pain than physical pain in most lives. One in about every two and a half marriages ends up in divorce. That's an amazing statistic when you think about it. And one in three after about 10 years. That's why some researchers have coined a phrase just recently to describe the growing number of couples who are married in their 20s for three to seven years, then don't have any kids, and then just break up. They've coined a phrase for that as a starter marriage, kind of like a starter home. You know, you just get something you can kind of work on a little bit and see how things work out, fix one another up, and then just break up and go someplace else. And sadly, the number of young adults who are in that particular predicament is growing. The problem is that most people have very little commitment to a process, and that's what we're going to talk about today, of selecting their mate. And those who know the process sometimes just disregard it because the waves of love, just come over them, and off they go. I want to recommend a book to you. I'm going to mention it a couple of times. It's called Finding the Love of Your Life by Dr. Neal Clark Warren, Finding the Love of Your Life. It's not in the bookstore. I think we might have sold out already. Just put it on your communicator. I'd like that book, and we'll order one for you. He says in that book this, and this is a pretty astonishing statement, your choice of whom to marry is more crucial than everything else combined that you will ever do to make your marriage succeed. Are you young people hearing that? The choice of who to marry, whom to marry, is more crucial than everything else you'll do to make your marriage succeed. So don't be foolish or presumptuous to think that you don't need to hear this. You'll just kind of know when it's the right person. It'll just kind of happen to you. Take yourself out of that misguided perception because there's a much better way. That being said, number one, number two, there are two fundamental truths to affirm from the outset. Now, one of them is this is going to blow a bubble of misconception. God does not choose your specific mate for you, and the corollary is there's not one perfect person. I know it sounds romantic to say, oh, I'm sure that God just, you know, angles up above must have picked you out for me, but that just isn't true. It's not biblical, and actually it doesn't work. I want my six volunteers, six volunteers, come on. I grabbed them in the first service. They know it's coming this time. Come on, Greg. You two, you were laughing before. You have to come up and stand with them. Come on. I want to show you why this doesn't work. For those of you who say, oh, I always thought God had one person, you know, there's going to be like this star of Bethlehem light that was going to come over their house, and I wouldn't know. Well, let's just say that here's six wonderful young adults, and they just say, you know, hey, well, we're going to get married. And see, if the one that God had picked for Greg was Kelly, Greg somehow missed God's will and he chose Jennifer. So there he is, okay? Well, then Mike was supposed to pick Jennifer, but she's gone, so he comes over and he picks Chelsea, and Kelly was supposed to pick Mike, but she ends up with Alan, and they're all married to the wrong people. You see that? And it's all Greg's fault, because he chose the wrong person. You get that? So just one person messes up the whole plan, and how many of you know, more than one of us made, you know, like bad choices, huh? All right. Just give him a hand. Thanks, guys. I appreciate that. I just wanted you to see that, okay? So God doesn't have a perfect person for you. In the final analysis, it's your decision, your choice. You have the freedom and the responsibility to choose, and choose wisely, and then to live with your choice. Now, the best way to make a good choice is to develop an ear to hear how God's leading you in all kinds of things, and this is where we kind of fan out a little bit in our application. I'm just going to touch on, and I've done whole messages on these five things, five ways that you can hear the voice of God, so that if you're wondering, Lord, is this the person I'm to build a relationship with, you can hear God and discern his voice. Here they are. You might want to jot them down. How do we discover the guidance of God in the process he's revealed? Well, first of all, you've got to be in Scripture. The Bible is God's guidebook. You know, 90% of all decisions you need to make are clearly articulated in here. 90%. But not the person you're supposed to marry. It's not like this thing where you drop the Bible open one day and say, okay, Lord, what's the name of my future mate? And Jezebel. No, it's not Jezebel, whatever. That doesn't work that way. That's not it. And besides, names like Robert, and Jennifer, and Kelly, and so on aren't in this book, right? So it's more about getting to know the heart of God. And I hope you're reading this book every single day and making it your own, feeding your soul with it on a regular basis. It's very important as a foundation. Second, God guides us through impressions. I will instruct you and guide you along the best pathway for your life. The Lord, listen, it is not weird to be prompted by God. In fact, it is normal to be spirit-led. You should have these senses now and then that God's really nudging you. He's opening a particular door or particular direction for you. God gives us ideas all the time. We're just not always aware that it's Him. Now, when the devil gives you an impression, what's that called? That's called temptation. But when God gives you an idea to start this business, or get involved in this ministry, or get to know that person, if God prompts you, that's called inspiration. That's the Lord breathing direction into your life, and it should be normal. Now, keep in mind, God never contradicts His word with an impression. So if you're confused, you say, I sense God's prompting me to steal your car. That's probably not the case. Why? Because He said it in His word. I'm not supposed to steal. Third, God directs us through circumstance. God causes everything to work together for good, for those who love Him. Now, most all of us have benefited in some way or another. Haven't we, from God kind of leading us and circumstantially putting things in our path? And we say, wow, Lord, I was in the right place at the right time. How do you know that's just not an accident? When you're in the right place, when you're in the right service at the right time, that was the Lord providentially kind of guiding. But keep in mind, circumstances should be confirming and not primary in your life. They're confirming. I never say, oh, well, this circumstantially seems to make sense, therefore, it must be God. To me, it's always a confirmation. Number four, through reason. I love this translation of Proverbs 18, 13, Living Bible. It is stupid to decide before knowing the facts. Listen, God gave us a brain. Sometimes it's just good common sense that helps us to know based on what our brain is telling us. I mean, if you're sitting on train tracks and you hear the whistle and you see the train, I wonder if I'm being led to get off the track. No, use your brain. Get off the tracks and get moving. A young, starry-eyed couple comes in to me and says, oh, we're falling in love, Pastor Jay, and we feel like we're supposed to get married. I said, well, great. When did you meet? Oh, about two weeks ago. I said, well, you really don't know each other very well, let alone one another's families. He said, oh, yeah, but we're just moving by faith. I said, no, you're moving in stupidity. It's not going to happen, so don't even think about that, at least now. Wait. Number five, it's wise counsel. The wisdom of the righteous can save you. You know, talk to some mature believers about any decision that you're facing. Glean from their own experience and their own perceptions. One of the benefits of being part of a larger church is we have developed a very effective mentoring system for young couples. And so if a couple comes in and they're engaged, we hook them up with a couple that's been married for 15 or 20 or 25 years and let them benefit from the experience of being with a couple that knows some of the ins and outs of a married relationship. Now, keep in mind that all five of these, especially in major decisions, all five of these indicators need to sort of align. God is not the author of confusion, so he's not going to lead you in his word this way and then prompt you that way and have circumstances. All these things will kind of line up, and then you're going to know. And by the way, it usually doesn't come as a lightning bolt. What I've discovered over time, it's kind of like a Polaroid picture. Have you ever taken a Polaroid picture and, you know, you peel the back off, and what happens over time? You know, it becomes increasingly clear. That's how God's guidance usually happens in our lives. And very important that you allow God the opportunity to lead you in this or you'll end up winging it on your own. Now, turn your outline over. Let me give you the three don'ts of marriage, okay? The one that's the most important thing are two fundamental truths. Here's number three, the three don'ts of marriage. Don't get married when you're too hurried. Don't get married too quickly. Somehow when love strikes, it seems to make a lot of believers lose their rational sense of things. You know, like, well, in a month, I've just come to know you so well, I just know you're the one, and that's it. After a month, are you really ready to say to somebody, till death do us part? You know what till death do us part means? It means mortgage payments, checkbooks, laundry slips, diapers most likely, about 50,000 meals together, in-laws, sicknesses. It means hairlines that change, waistlines that change, flabby arms that develop, you know, all those kind of things that tend to happen to people as they get on. People say to me, you know, they'll come in and say, oh, you know, I heard someone that they met the love of their life and two weeks later they went off and got married and they're still together. My standard response is, yeah, I've heard of people that went over Niagara Falls in a barrel and survived. It's still not a good choice for seeing the falls, you know? I mean, odds aren't that great. A study out of Kansas State University shows a direct correlation, now listen, between the length of time that you date and the level of marital satisfaction. And what this study over a long period of time discovered is the long-term courtships directly improved the likelihood of marital fulfillment. Short-term courtships directly related to the number or percentage of marital heartbreaks and breakups. See, it takes time to know the other person fully and deeply and frankly, if you're not willing to give some time to that process, I'd have to say up front, you're not ready to get married. You're just skipping over the steps of the process that God's ordained. And a growing number of churches that I fellowship with have even instituted policies of limiting their weddings to couples who dated for a year. That's how serious they've taken it. Now, that's not our policy yet here at Norfolk, I don't want to tell you. That shows you just how serious this can be. Now, what feels this, you see, is a sense of desperation. And I hear this from people who say, you know, anything's better than being lonely. Well, no, it's not. Being married to the wrong person is much worse than being alone. A lot harder, a lot more pain. Occasionally, I'll encounter someone who says, you know, well, this relationship isn't going very quickly and I'm just feeling a little insecure and maybe, you know, I just hope that we'll move it along. And so they say, maybe if I move the date up, we can just, you know, make sure that he stays in it. I say, that's real smart. You know, here's a guy that's not sure he wants to get married, so you're going to move the date up to make sure that somehow it's going to work. Don't do things like that. Don't be in a hurry. Don't be too eager because you'll end up regretting it. Second don't is don't get married when you're too young. Now, this one is statistically amazing to me. The divorce rate for 21 to 22-year-olds is exactly, listen now, twice as high as it is for those who are 25 or 26. If I would tell you, if I could promise you that you have double the odds of lasting a relationship if you just waited for three or four years to get married, wouldn't you sound like, hey, that's a pretty sane thing to do? Well, that doesn't mean that every 21-year-old is going to have a problem. I'm not saying that. All of these need to have a little bit of a caveat to them. I understand there are exceptions, but don't bank on the exceptions happening for you. You need to look at the reality of it. And the divorce rate for people before the age of 21 is much higher. And the key is self-awareness. You can't select a spouse well if you don't know yourself well. If you're still forming your own ideas of your values and your direction and your priorities, how can you evaluate someone else? They might still be growing up. One author said it this way. Adolescence lasts until the mid-20s in some individuals. Although, generally speaking, males will reach a higher level of emotional maturity significantly earlier than females. I just made that up. I wanted to see if you were tracking with me there. Serious gasping going on when I read that. Now, divorce rates are lowest after the age of 25. They kind of just hit this plateau and just stay there after the age of 28. Now, again, I know people who got married later and it didn't work. There are exceptions. But these are the general parameters that much, much research would validate. Now, the axiom that I shared last week that opposites attract is true. Statistically verified through things like birth order and temperament studies and so on, opposites attract. And it's not a problem to be different to a point. But if everything is different, you're likely in for a very abrasive period of transition, if not a lifetime of problems. See, the more you have in common as a couple, the less friction you're going to generate when you try to work these things out. Morning person, evening person. This is going to be like a checklist. Energetic, mellow. How much does education matter between you? How about your roles? How do you define your roles in the home? How about how you handle money? How about conflict resolution? Child rearing and discipline issues? Hobbies, interests? Sexual expectations? How about that one? Later on in the development of your relationship, you should talk about your sexual expectations. But I want to draw a line here because, you know, I've had people say to me, well, pass the test, buy a car without taking it on a test drive. I'm not going to marry anyone that I haven't had some sort of sexual experience with. I want to know if we're compatible. I have a Greek word for the wisdom of that. It's called baloney. But sadly speaking, sadly speaking, one-third of all young adult couples in America cohabitate before marriage. Listen to this statistic. Twenty-five percent of all Christian young couples cohabitate before marriage. Thinking that somehow, well, yeah, it's sort of the test drive to see how things go. When every study, every study that I came across verified what I expected, which is that the divorce rates are significantly higher for people who cohabitate before marriage. Why? Because, you see, you get sexually entwined and all kinds of complications arise. And for the Christian, part of it is guilt. And then you can't look at that person in the face without just dealing with the guilt that you've been feeling about the whole situation. And a lot of wonderful relationships have been ruined because they got ahead of them. Save sex for marriage as God designed it, and you will be happy that you did so. And if you have already made that choice and broken that boundary, then ask God for forgiveness and recommit yourself to staying sexually pure. I know it's not easy, but it's to your advantage. It's wisdom to you. And so, again, it's fun, really, if couples are a little bit different. It's fair to say that the absolute best and worst marriages are with couples who are the most different. But, you know, it's how you respond to that. It can make or break you. If your differences create a war zone, you're in trouble. If your differences are a catalyst for change, you can be glad for those differences. Okay? Number four, the four dos of marriage. Let me just touch these quickly. The four dos of marriage. Nowhere is similarity more important than when it comes to spiritual similarities or what I want to call being spiritually matched. You've heard it said this way, don't be unequally yoked with unbelievers. That's sort of the RSV version or the King James version of 2 Corinthians 6.14. Look on your outline. I like this version better. Do not unite yourself with an unbeliever. They are not fit mates for you. You see, if your passion toward God is going this way and you feel a relationship with him is important and the person you're marrying feels that, no, I've chosen to go away from God. I want to run my own life. How can the two of you move together? It's just not possible. Now, it seems okay. I'm going to tell you, every individual I encounter says, well, you know, we can work it out. But the best case scenario is that you can't share the most important, deepest commitments and pursuits of your life with the person that doesn't share your faith. And second, the worst case is you get pulled away from your faith. And I've met people like that who've just kind of their passion for the Lord is just sort of absent because their spouse had no real interest. All the things we talked about last week about intimacy and oneness and that joy in sharing life together is impossible to the level God designed it to be. If you're married to an unbeliever. And I want to say this. It isn't just about believer, unbeliever. It's also about the equally yoke has to do with your sort of level of commitment understanding. I've run into people say, well, yeah, he's a Christian. And he'll basically say, I am a Christian. But there's no real heart there. The equally yoke part has to do really with a lot more than that. It has to do with how much you value your faith and your investment. And, you know, I have a lot of sympathy for couples. They'll come in and they'll say, well, you know, she's not really a Christian, but she goes to church. And so we kind of share a little bit about it that way. And I say, well, that's great. But, you know, that's not what God's saying here. Or they'll say something, you know, like, well, I think I'll be able to lead him to Christ if I just date him for a while. You know what that's called? That's missionary dating. That's trying to win one to Christ. And you know what? If you make that commitment, what if they don't come to Christ? Then you're back to this whole thing of trying to balance out these values. This is a tough one for pastors. Let me just say as a pastor,