Great to Be Home I, What's Inside Your House

Let's stand together for a word of prayer as we prepare to come to God's Word. Lord, we all have things to learn when it comes to communicating with You and with one another, and we pray that in the next moments as we seek to be attentive that You'd speak to us. Help us to be willing to face some reality about ourselves and about our homes, what all of us can improve, our home life, every one of us. All of us know someone who may need to hear what You speak to us today as well. Give us the ears to hear, and let Your Spirit drop the seed into fertile soil today, in Jesus' name, amen. Okay, I'm going to invite you to take your outline out of your North Way notes, and we're going to look at this topic today. The title for this brand new series came from an experience I had several weeks ago when my two sons, David and Jonathan, came home for Christmas. They are now age 23 and almost 25, self-sufficient young adults. It was not that long ago that they were little rugrats and ankle biters like many of you have right now. I remember those days, and certainly not that long ago, they were wild teenagers like some of you have. But that first night they were together, we sort of gathered up in the family room, and I remember David leaning back on the sofa, putting his hands behind his head, and just leaving this big sigh, and he said, oh, it's great to be home. It's great to be home. And as a parent of three young adults, I have a daughter, Amy, as well, who's 26, I can't tell you how awesome it is to hear that. Isn't it, parents, those of you who have adult children? It's wonderful to give yourselves wholeheartedly to your children's lives for 25 or so years, as my wife, Carol, certainly did, and as I tried to. And to hear them say, it's good to be home. It's awesome to be included in their lives, to have them regularly call us and tell us their blessings and their struggles, their adventures and their dreams, to know that they want us to be in their lives. Not controlling them, just to be part of it. Carol and I know, we looked at each other the other night, and we said, how blessed we know we are. Now, I've got to mention this, it didn't take them long after they got home to make fun of my pathetically shrinking biceps and my inability to make level one on any Xbox game, but nonetheless, it was great to have them home with me. That's not the primary reason. The fact that Carol and I have been where many of you are going, and I'm speaking this morning to a lot of young parents, that's not the primary reason I'm going to ask you to really tune in for the next several weeks. It's not because I've had the privilege of working alongside one of the nation's top family psychologists on a TV program, now nearing 85 television programs we've produced together, reaching into nearly 25 million homes potentially. In fact, I have to tell you that in both of the blessings I've just mentioned, I'm not sure why God even chose me or allowed me to be part of those things. But the primary reason I hope that you'll engage is because what I'm going to share with you is what I believe the essence of God's word on these subjects. This is the truth. You see, it's not just the truth on a few things, it's the truth on everything. And I'm making a specific point of this this morning because here's something I've observed over the last 25 years. People tend to hear what they want to hear about different things. And there'll be some of you who will sit and politely nod and maybe even be wise enough to take down a few notes and then you'll walk out and especially on this topic, just kind of go back to what you do naturally. When it comes to salvation or baptism or forgiveness or something that you perceive to be spiritual, you pay a little more attention because you're just not sure. But when it comes to how to raise your family, for some reason we fall back to what's always been comfortable or what we experience, good or bad, instead of saying, wait, maybe the only real architect of the home is God. Maybe the only real blueprint for a family is the word of God. And so if you'll just take one thing out of today's message, really one thing, and apply it, it can make a difference in your life. And I just want to urge you to consider that as we go forward from here. Along the way, I'm going to share with you some things I didn't do right. There are a whole lot of them. I'm keeping my kids away from the platform the next six weeks so you can avoid the things that I did wrong. But let me say, you can be a good parent. If you're a young person today, you can be a good kid and have a great home if you'll take God's word seriously on this subject. Today millions of Americans have tried the other alternative and that is to do it their own way. Tens of millions of Americans. And what do we see? I mean really, what do we see overall in America when it comes to the home? We live in the most depressed, addicted society in the history of the world. You think about that. We have all this stuff. We are so affluent overall. And yet statistics worldwide prove what I'm about to say. We have the highest divorce rate per capita in the world. The highest percentage of drug use of any society in the world. The highest percentage of divorce rates per capita of any society in the world. One in ten is dealing with alcoholism. One in four families are affected by it. And millions more are going through the motions of being happy when inside if you peel it back there aren't. Why is that? It's because we have chosen to lay God's word aside on this subject and do it our way. And you know what friends? It's just flat out pride. And it's keeping people in a prison of unhappiness. America is basically a giant laboratory to see how many ways we can pursue happiness without getting there. America is not happy because we haven't learned to love the way God's taught us to love in his word. And so we put in substitutes, quick escapes that provide some little jolt of a high and yet allow us, as Emily said in her testimony, to shrink back into despair the next day. Whether it's drugs or alcohol or gambling or unfaithfulness or materialism or pornography or immorality or all the things which are so glamorized, none of them fulfill you. Because they don't speak to our number one need, which is the need for love. Let's look what Jesus said in the subject. Take your outline and read the top verse with me. When Jesus was asked, what's the most important commandment? Look what he said. Read it with me. Jesus replied, love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it. Love your neighbor as yourself. Today I want to talk about the key elements to a good home. And they're probably not the obvious thing, and in fact the thing that most parents, these aren't the things they'll say to me initially in this subject. They won't ask me questions about these things. They'll ask me about discipline and boundaries and guidelines and activities and devotions and stuff. But what I'm going to share with you, these four things today, have to do with what I think are the fulfillment of these verses. Because let me interpret these verses for you. Jesus is saying, hey, if you learn how to love the way I loved you, you're going to fulfill all the Bible. And by the way, in the midst of that, you're going to be fulfilled. You're going to find the meaning of life. You're going to find the reason why you're here, and you're going to have a joyful life. And so I want to encourage you. Think of these things. How do we do this? How do we love the way God loved us? And let me just give you what I believe are four characteristics as modeled in the life of Jesus toward us. Alright? So, and I put them in a simple acrostic to try to remember them for this series. The acrostic is H-O-M-E, home. The first thing is this. The first thing we need to do, it's sort of the foundation, it's like pouring the footer and laying the foundation of a good home, is to honor one another in the home. Now, we've all heard the commandment, honor thy father and thy mother. It's one of the great Ten Commandments, but Jesus mentioned it a number of times in the Gospels. You simply can't build a home of love without the concept of honor being present. Honor is central to the home. And by the way, this plays out in lots of little ways, lots of little ways where people begin to compromise early on in this matter of honor. Look at the definition, just so we get it clear. Honor is a decision we make to place high value, worth, and importance, value, worth, and importance on another person by viewing him or her as a priceless gift. Last Tuesday, President Bush gave his State of the Union address, and he opened by, you know, turning to the Speaker of the House and all the Congress people who are present. And then he said, and honored guests, and he introduced different people on the balcony. I mean, you know, you saw the guy from Afghanistan in his little robe, and you saw the spouse of the first soldier that was killed overseas, and so on. And he said these were his honored guests. What did he say about that? He was saying, you people have value to me. I'm honored that you're here. Honor is another way of saying what Emily alluded to. It's a way of saying, you matter. You're important. And I want you to be part of my life. Kids, the Bible says, children, honor your parents. And by the way, parents, honor your children as well. Because honor communicates value. Now, how did God demonstrate this to us? Well, how did he flesh this out? He fleshed it out by showing us what he was willing to leave. You see, what you leave shows how much you value something. What you leave behind shows how much it's worth for you to go to be part of something, doesn't it? So if your family wants you to go with them to an event, and you leave behind this just great golf outing that you were supposed to go on, that shows that you value them, doesn't it? What did Jesus leave to show how much he valued us? What did he leave? He left the glory of heaven. He left the Father's right hand. He left the just indescribable beauty and splendor of heaven's glory, the harmony and the peace and the joy and the security of just being in the presence of God Almighty. He left that and came down to this dusty, dirty little town called Nazareth, where he lived for how long? Thirty years. Thirty years. And I've seen Nazareth, folks. It's no metropolitan kind of community. I mean, it's like just a dirty little town. And he was a carpenter that hardly anyone paid any attention to. And then when he finally came into his ministry for three and a half years, he was harassed and tormented by people who opposed him, even though he was doing good. And then what did he do to show how much he loved us? He gave up his life. He hung on a cross. And by saying that, he was saying to us, That's how much I value you. I'll even leave my life for your sake. And so when you hear the verse, For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son. Why don't you just say it this way, For God so loved, and put your name in there. God so loved Michael. God so loved Sarah. God so loved Emily. God so loved Jack. God so loved... How does that make you feel? It should make you feel awesome. It should make you feel extremely cared for. By the way, you'll never open to God. You won't be able to enter into a relationship with him until you realize how much he does love you, how much he values you. Home where honor is in place, where value is being expressed, by what people are demonstrating they're willing to give up is a place where God's love will begin to flourish. How does that get done in the home? Well, parents, what have you demonstrated that you're willing to give up for the sake of your kids? You say, hey, well, I mean, we used to have a lot of stuff, and we used to go out and do this and do that, and well, okay, that's kind of basic, really. When you have kids, you know that stuff's going to have to go. But what about some of the other things? Are you willing, if it comes down to it, and you face the either ors, what are you willing to say, hey, this is more important for the sake of my children. Maybe it's something that is very hard to give up. Maybe it's a promotion when your kid's a teenager because it's more important for your kid to stay in the environment in which they found security. Choices like that are hard, but they're wise. And kids, what do you have to give up? Well, let me just tell you, kids, sometimes you have to give some things, like Emily was talking about, her friends. Sometimes your friends can give up a person. I know when we had our kids, small or all at home, we'd have a weekly family night, and they hated it. And they'd moan about it, and they'd say, oh, no, it's Monday, it's family night. Oh, no, we're going to have to go together. I'm going to sit beside him. And we'd get in the car, and they'd say, don't go across that space, and don't do this. And then there was always a point, and we rotated every night. As we rotated, each kid got to pick where we'd go. And sometimes they'd waste their own favorite choice to go someplace the other kid didn't like, that kind of thing. But they did that because we made a point of saying, hey, you're going to have to leave for that night something you want to do for the sake of family. And over time, it got to be something we look forward to. Honor, where value is expressed, then leads to the next quality that should be inside every home, and that is openness. The ability to communicate. And how many of you know communication in the home can get shut down real easily? Husbands and wives ever had a problem with that? Here's a little clip from the movie, The Story of Us. And how many of you maybe just can relate a little bit to this tiny clip about how sometimes, you know, things just melt down, and all the dumb things you said come out at the same time? Watch this. I think the loudest silences are the ones filled with everything that's been said. Said wrong, said 300 times. You're not really hearing me. You've heard enough of two children. I don't need a third. Oh, that's right. You're perfect, and I've done nothing right in 15 years. You're not listening. You can't let go of anything. You never listen. You hold on to every little thing. Why should you be responsible for anything? I just take care of everything around here. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Now, they broke a cardinal rule of communication there. They used the never anything, everything words, which you don't want to do. You want to have a place in your home where openness is cultivated. Over time, where parents and children feel secure in talking with one another about anything, anything that comes along. Now, I know right now that some parents of middle schoolers and high schoolers are thinking, I'd like to talk to my kid about just anything at all, let alone everything and anything. Students are thinking, I could never talk to my dad about this. And I know this can be tough. I know that, you know, by and large, most times kids like to talk to their friends about things. But you know what? In homes where parents and children have learned to honor one another, especially in the earlier years, they cultivate an environment where as the kids begin to grow up, they know it's secure. They know it's safe. They know they can go ahead and open up just a little bit. You see, when you have learned the ability of honoring early on, something develops over time, and it's a word called trust. Trust develops. Trust that, you know, the kid can say to a parent something that maybe is a little risky, and the parent's not going to put them down or judge them. And the parent learns that they can address the things in the kids without crushing them. Trust that they will be understood and accepted and listened to and valued. And by the way, remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. You don't do this for a few weeks and say you got it down. This is something you have to keep on learning, keep on recultivating. No one will open their heart and become vulnerable to someone else who's likely to be critical, judgmental, negative, or worst of all, disinterested. How many first-born, how many first-born parents are here today? You're a first-born child, and you're an adult parent. A whole lot of you. You see, let me ask you some first-born parents, can you see what's wrong with your kid long before they do? I know you're really good at pointing it out to them. I know what it's like to be a first-born parent. I are one, and I know exactly what goes on. I know how easy it is to find the negative in your kid. I also know how crushing that can be. I remember back when David was in his earlier teenage years, and there was a string there, and I just didn't see him come out of his room very much. And I went to Carol, and I said, what's up with David? She said, well, the last three or four times he came out of his room, you looked in his room, and you saw the stuff laying on the floor, and you banged on him for that, and told him how late he was getting up, and how late he was staying up, and all this. And so he said, he decided not to come out anymore, so I'm just flipping food under the door. Parents, we need to cultivate a certain sense of openness, that it's okay to talk about anything at all, not just to say things like sports, and weather, and going to the mall, and stuff like that. But I discovered, when I was willing to share some of my own struggles, and reveal to my kids that there were some things that were hard for me to deal with, that that gave them some security that they could share their struggles, and some of the things that they were facing. Some disappointments, and rejections, and struggles that, hey, I don't know where to go with this. So I just, think about the way God loves you. Does God not invite us to bring everything about what's going on in our lives and lay it at his feet? And has not God said to you, my sheep know my voice? And he opens his heart to them, to us. You see, that's the way, that's the way we're to relate. A mature Christian is in a constant dialogue with God about everything. And in a home, a home that's growing in the grace of God, you're willing and able to talk about anything, because you've made the investment up front. Be open. Third thing that you need to cultivate in a home that's going to be a place where kids want to come home, is memories. A place that's good to come home to is a place of fond memories, where experiences build on one another over time. And I have to tell you, making memories requires intentionality. Write it down, it requires intentionality. Moving some things off your plate, so you can make room on your plate for some things that matter to somebody else. Now this raises, by the way, the ugly issue of activities. In our program, Real Families, we get more negative feedback about our stand on this than anything else we talk about. And Dr. K gets up and says, you know what, here's my advice to parents, and particularly parents of younger kids, take them out of everything. And he gets booed sometimes when he says that. He gets booed by the parents and the kids. But the reason he says that is this, because he needs to make the point that most families, listen now, most families get their kids into way too many things way too early. And then they just bury them with activities to the point where all they're doing is just like shuttling them around and there's never really any time for the family to make a connection. I've seen this, it sounds like it's not a big deal, but you know what, if you let it go on, especially in the formative years, you're just creating a culture which basically says the family unit's not all that important. As long as you have your activities going honey. And the kids won't like it when you say, hey, you gotta cut back some. They'll say, but all my friends are doing it. And you say, well what, you're not all your friends. We're a family. We're gonna do some things together. It's interesting to me, one of the things that the Senior High Ministry team put down in their evaluation, they said one of the real obstacles they face in making disciples of our Senior High students is the fact that so many of them work so many hours. Now some firstborn dad would say, well what's wrong with working? Nothing. But I gotta ask you, how long are you gonna work in your life? A whole long time, right? And maybe it might be a good thing just to balance all that workout just a little bit. And I wouldn't have my teenager working every evening and all day Saturday and Sunday. Think about it, parents. Help your young person to evaluate what really matters. Help make room to make memories. You have to make this time, and you know what, it's sacrificial. Every time our family gets together, it just starts happening. It's never on cue, but just something happens and we start talking about those memory moments. Interestingly, one of the brightest of those had to do with the Rocky Mountains, just like Emily's testimony. When our kids were just going into that adolescent stage, we piled them all into my dad's 15-year-old Dodge van and headed out to the Rocky Mountains. And they didn't want to go. They all started with earphones and their own little Walkmans and they just got their space in the van and that was it. And they were playing music. And when we got somewhere into Indiana, the van started to overheat. Now my dad said, hey, this thing will just go back and forth across the country. We get to Indiana and this thing is melting down. I nurse it to Chicago and we get off somewhere in Chicago, no idea where I am, and I park in front of this cheap motel, and that was part of the budget, and kids go in there and all we could do is I scoured around the Yellow Pages, found Joe's Radiator Shop a few blocks away, pulled the van in, and he said, well, it's going to be 300 bucks. That was the first of four breakdowns in the van, okay? The first. And we got going along and somehow, my adversity, the kids liked that. They took the earphones off and they just started to talk a little bit. Hey, Dad, how long are we going to last in this leg of the van? What's going to happen? What's going to go next? Twice, twice, I drove away and left the gas cap at a gas station. Now that doesn't sound like any big deal except that everything else in the van was breaking down and I didn't want to add to it unnecessarily. And we went on and on. Probably the worst thing was because the radiator still didn't seem right. I stopped someplace in, I think it was outside of Durango, Colorado, something like that, and checked the radiator, put the hood down, and we went back on this two-lane road and we're going 70 miles an hour toward Grand Junction, just cruising along, and all of a sudden, boing, the hood of the van went up. I mean, just like something out of a Chevy Chase movie. I'm doing this, you know, trying to pull off to the side of the road. And of course, it bent the hinges. I was going 70 miles an hour. I had to push the thing down. Kids would go, yeah, Dad, this is a great trip. Every time we talk about something, they just bring up the van and that trip. They love that. My dad and I had a long talk when I got home about that van. Ended up costing me $1,200 for that. I said, Dad, Dad, I could have flown them out there and rented a new van in Denver. That's what I should have done. You got to make memories, parents. Whatever the cost. And that requires number four, energy. It requires energy. Somehow, most people seem to have this idea that all this kind of just happens. You know, you get the right mommy and the right daddy, and this adorable little baby comes home and just, they just, oh, just so cuddly and everything's so wonderful. But you see, mommy isn't always right and daddy isn't always right and that baby's just an adorable little sinner like you are. Very selfish. To have a great family, not only do you need to establish honor and openness and create memories, but you have to make choices to invest in your family and to give energy to that process. Good homes do not just happen, they are the result of wise investments. Why do families unravel, particularly in the adolescent and teenage years? Of course, there are those inexplicable times of meltdown, which I know none of us can really figure out, where somebody just gets in with the wrong crowd or perhaps there's a chemical thing going on inside of them or something physiological. But more often than not, I see a slow shift of priorities from what was once the family to now my thing and their thing. And the lack of mutual investment, kids to the parents and parents to the kids, and the energy that it requires to keep the family together, things just begin to melt down. Some parents just sort of shrug and say, well, you know what, you got good kids. You've got to be thankful I didn't get good kids. And I think that's just baloney. We all enter the world with this bent towards selfishness and it's just what you do with it. And you've got to invest, invest, invest. You've got to make investments. Proverbs 22, 6 says, train a child in the way you should go. And that word implies an investment. It means pouring in energy to help that child to know the way they should go. So when they are old, they will not turn from it. Now listen, you know, it's never my intent to lay guilt on anyone. But I have to say to you that some of the choices that you make to invest, invest, invest your best energies in early on are going to reap the exact reward that they should as your child gets older. You want to know why a 12 or 13 year old begins to lose interest in the home sometimes? It's because the wrong investments were made when they were 5 and 6 and 7. Parents, let me say this, kids require the greatest physical investment when they're little, don't they? You know, little ones right now, don't they just wear you out? But they require the greatest emotional investment when they're in their pre-teens and pre-adolescent years and the early teenage years. When they're little, they love to be around Mommy and Daddy. It's not emotionally, it's fun. Here's a little test for you. Go home and put your little like 3 or 4 year old next to you and just hug Mommy or Daddy. And what will that little 3 or 4 year old do? They'll sneak right up and they're just like a golden retriever and just try to get up in between you. Because they want to be where that action is. You know, you put your 13 year old and you hug Mommy and Daddy real close and when the 13 year old does that, oh man. So, I mean, it's a whole different thing. Learn to give energy and you'll see in direct proportion to your investment, you'll get a return of honor and openness, memories, and by the way, energy and spiritual things will return a great investment as well. Do some things together as a family that help you to put your roots down into spiritual things. Do things as a family in the church. Worship together. Come to things together. One last thing in conclusion. In order to keep these four elements in balance at the center of every good home, listen, at the center of every good home, I want to be sure I get this very, very clear, is a strong marriage. Perhaps the easiest mistake to make and the one that seems so innocent, this isn't something people calculate, I believe it just happens, is where the center of the home shifts from a strong marriage to the needs of the kids. Somehow, it just sort of happens. I've seen this scores of times. A mom begins to see her primary calling is being these kids and so she marries them. And dad says, well, I've got to take care of the family and meet the family's needs so he marries his job. And so in order to get through to mom, he's got to get through to the kids and get to mom that way and in order to get through to him, she has to somehow get through the job. And pretty soon, you've got a marriage that's falling apart in the midst of trying to raise a family. And this can be the beginning of a very difficult season, the outcome of which is often very sadly a breakup when the kids finally leave home because two adults look at one another and realize they don't have anything left. And I have to say, don't fall into the trap of becoming kid-centered. Look at the last thing in your outline. A good home is one that is spouse-centered, not kid-centered. Spouse-centered, not kid-centered because that priority will keep you from catering to every whim and spoiling your kids or on the other side of throwing yourself into your work to the place where you forget about what really matters most in life. I'm shocked by the number of parents that'll just put, you know, they'll just say to little poopy five-year-olds, is it time to go to bed yet? You know, you look at your five-year-olds and say, hey honey, it's time to go to bed because mommy and daddy need some time now. Mommy and daddy need to be given. We need to communicate. We're going to be talking about mom and dad's communication next week, about intimacy. And I hope you'll come back and maybe bring someone with you because we're going to look at this in a way I've never presented before here at North Way. I'm going to look at how we build intimacy and I'm talking about a deep relationship. By the way, if you're single, it'll help you to know what to look for in a person when it comes time for you to find God's name. Let's stand together. Lord, I pray in Jesus' name that you would help us all to find one thing today that we can take from this message and apply to our lives. We ask you, Lord, to make our place a home where your presence is welcome. Lord, we ask you to make all of us willing to be vessels of grace to our family members. Committed to it, Lord. To make our place a place that's good to come home to. A place of love in Jesus' name.