Conversation IV, Listening From the Heart

Good evening, everyone. Well, we've been blessed with some great times in the last few weekends. And thank you, guys. As we look at this Mother's Day, I just picked out a few pictures that remind me of this time. Last night, the car crews and boys were out. Now, I'm in this wonderful intergenerational place where I have grandkids now. Here's my two grandsons doing some heavy lifting. And yeah, then here's the next one. This is a photo without, here's Luke thinking about, oh, that's J.R.'s daughter, Maddie. I think Luke's thinking, well, I can't wait until I get older or something. And then here's one with my son, Jonathan, and his new wife, Stephanie. And they're receiving some counsel from Carol's 96-year-old mom. Isn't that great? And she's doing well. That was at their wedding a few months ago. There's a nice, I just put that one in there because I liked it. That's my grandson, Luke, behind my grandfather, or his great-grandfather's car that we use at the car crews. And he's actually just priming himself for the day that his mom says you can get in there and get your license and get your first ticket along with your J-PAL. But we value that so much. And by the way, I noticed, I didn't have a picture of my mom. And someone's going to ask, well, how's my mom doing and your mom doing? And thank you for your prayers. Mom's doing great. She'll be coming up now in two years of being free of cancer from her surgery, and such an awesome blessing. Thank you. She's actually up in Michigan celebrating one of her grandsons' graduation from college. So God continues to just be faithfully caring for our family. And I just so appreciate that. And seeing the boys just reminds me just, I love this kind of time of communication. I mean, the little two-year-old just comes up with these simple things. You know, we were at the Cheesecake Factory for an early dinner the other day, and he's, like, learned to eat himself pretty well. And we got up, got to the dinner and bring out the little cheesecake with this big mound of whipped cream. And he sticks his hand in there, or not his hand, but his little spoon. He gets in his mouth, and it's just all over. And he goes, I did it! You know, it's just like, and then he goes, good! You know, we just love this one-line little, like, little words with all this. And it just reminds me of the days when it's just so simple to communicate. You know, it's just, I love it. It's just like, it's every time we, but do you find that's true in all of your communications? It goes exactly like you planned? Or does sometime the communication, the people that you really care about, does it sometimes go a little bit crazy? We have a video of communication that sometimes doesn't go the way you expect. Just watch this. What's up, man? I get such good feedback from you guys in Oakland. I am really proud of what you're doing. What do you got planned for Mother's Day? Well, sir, I've been thinking of the sir thing. Come on, it's just Jay, okay? Okay, Jay, JP, J-boy, J-pa, the J-ster, J-diddy of the car cruise. Jay? Hello? Jay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be disrespectful. I'm sorry I said that, Jay. I mean, pastor, I mean, reverend, reverend pastor, reverend doctor, hello, hello? Yeah, that was, yeah, that was Mike's last day, actually. He just, new campus pastor we're out searching for right now. Communication is not easy. Oftentimes, especially with the people that we care about the most. I wonder if you've ever had a time like I can recall, and this is a flashback a number of years ago, but I remember so distinctly when I was preparing this message that this kind of an exchange, and maybe you can relate to it. Maybe it's happening to you right now. And I would confess to you, this is maybe just a bit old-fashioned. Maybe this is just like my issue with life, but there was a point when we were raising the kids that Carol was at home with the kids, and I was, the church was just getting going, and we were putting in these long hours, and one thing I just really looked forward to is when I got home, I just wanted, put the car in the garage and walk up the steps and just have Carol come over and just show me some love. You know, just give me a hug, you know, just, you know. And I even told her, I said, and I'd really love, that would really make me feel special. Well, it lasted a week, and it stopped happening, and then I realized something was going on here. I said, you know, what's the big deal about this? I mean, it's, I'm not asking for that much, am I really? Then I, and that reminded me of a story. I just have this story that's true, I mean, about how, you know, understanding what a woman, because I said, what's really wrong? And women never really wanna tell you what's wrong, do they? I mean, they expect you to figure it out. Have you found that, guys? It reminded me of a story. I actually, well, I wanted to read it because the details are important. A man rubbed a bottle, and out came a little genie. He said, I lost a fortune in the stock market, so I can only offer you one wish. The man's dream was to visit Hawaii, but he was afraid to fly or travel on a ship. For his one wish, the man said, I'd like you to build me a bridge from San Francisco to Honolulu. The genie said, look, that's too hard, even for a genie. Do you have another wish? The man said, I'd like to be able to understand what women are feeling and what they really mean. The genie looked back at him and said, do you want two lanes or four? Okay, anyhow, upon further, it's true. I mean, someone said, it's not funny. It's true. In talking with my wife about that circumstances, what happened? She said, honey, the reality is, I'm just as tired as you are. I've been caring for these kids all day long. I can't wait for you to come home just to give me a break. And when I realized what was going on, what she really needed was for me to step outside of my need for a little bit and to really step into her world for a little bit. And once we got through dinner and just the normal chaos of getting through with kids, then we were able to really make a connection and just kind of unpack our day and share. It made such a huge difference when I finally realized what my expectation was different than hers and we were able to talk it through. Oftentimes with the people we love, it can be the most difficult because we sort of expect them to know us and they don't always really know what's going on and we don't always really know what's going on with them. It could be your spouse, it could be a friend, it could be just a close family member, whatever. But I want to share a truth with you tonight. And really, this is not a complex sermon. But if you get what I'm going to say tonight, whatever your age, it will have an amazing impact. And I'm looking around at some of you who I know pretty well who really need to hear what I'm going to say. Because what I'm going to say, it's quite simple. I'm still working on it, but I have found that it's really changed me over the years and it's helped me enormously with people. And when I share this one simple thing, if you get it and really get it and begin to let it be part of your life, it will make you more desirable to your friends, more loved by your family, and just more deeply appreciated by everybody with whom you come in contact. And I know that sounds like a big promise, but I'm going to deliver on it if you'll take this seriously. Look in your notes and take your outline out because I want to look at a scripture with you in just a moment. But the first thing we got to grab a hold of here is that when it comes to this whole matter of communicating with those that you love the most, it does begin with you. The first scripture I put on your outline is this. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interests of others. If there's going to be any lasting change, friends, the beginning point is to realize that, well, okay, I know that the person or persons that I'm trying to relate to, they've got issues for sure, but let's not start there. Have the courage to look at yourself, you know, and be honest with where you are. I don't know. I mean, I find it quite surprising how really sort of deceived people are about how effectively they're communicating. I mean, I went through lots of different books. I read several books in preparation for this and got a lot of lists, a lot of inventory. Listen, well, all this and all that and I just, you know, and I don't think I'm even going to bore you with all the long details and lists. So this doesn't matter, really. I could talk about all the different nuances of this and that and you could go down and do a little checklist and rate yourself on this and that. But you know what it comes down to? It comes down to one simple thing and that is, are you willing to put yourself and the other person's position to feel what they're feeling and to hear what they're hearing? Because if you don't, it's likely that you're going to go through most of your life and live, you know, they talk about five levels of communication. The first one being just, you know, passing forth quick little meaningless snippets. The fifth one being intimate exchanges. Most of us live somewhere in between in all of our relationships. And God so wants us to understand what's going on in the hearts of the people. And you know what? Generally speaking, would you agree that women find that easier to do than men? How many of you say that's generally true, that women are a little more inclined, a little more wired to understand and to at least want to understand what's going on in their heart? How many hands? Okay. I think it's basically true. I mean, it's just true. Did you know that women use on average about 20,000 words a day? And men on average about five? No, that's absolutely a verifiable fact. I marvel at how long some of my wife's phone calls can be. Just to, just, I mean, you know, it's like I'm just going to call find out and, you know, 40 minutes later, it's the call still going on. And I'm saying, I thought this was just like a little check-in call. Well, it is, 40 minutes. 40 minutes of checking in. It's very good. You know, we're just different. We're wired different. On the other hand, sometimes guys try to reach out and women don't quite know how to respond. And I just wanted, out of deference to Scott, I quote Rocky Balboa in one of his famous moments when he said this about women and listening because he wasn't getting heard. Let's put Rocky's quote up there. You know, I ain't used to talking no closed door. Remember Rocky said that? Yeah, he remembers the scene, actually. That's how sad he is. Yeah, poor guy. That's when Adrian was cutting them out. Is that what was happening? The first date. There he goes. The guy is sick, but we'll get past it. Stephen Covey said this, the deepest need of the human soul is to be understood, affirmed, validated, and appreciated. And friends, it begins when you're willing to say, Lord, show me my part of this. Show me how I can change. And by the way, communication, what I'm talking about, it's not just words. Did you know that words really only make up about 10% of communication? The reason I know that's true is what's happening right now is communication is going on right now. Some of you, let's put this graph up, guys. It's a colorful graph and it's helpful. This is how communication really gets done, believe it or not. Almost 50% of how we communicate is body language. Some of you right now are communicating complete total engagement. Others of you are communicating, oh my gosh, I'll never make dinner. Some of you are communicating, I don't know where he's going with this and so on. Tone of voice, if there's language. It's interesting, only about 10% of true communication come from the words that are being spoken. Now that, when I read that, and I've read that through several different sources, kind of astounded me. Because it's not what we, I mean, we normally just think, well, people say what they really mean, but they also show you what they mean and they also somehow communicate emotionally what they mean. It's just a good thing we take out, but this is just a good thing to remember when you're engaged in dialogue with someone you care about. What's their body language saying? What's their tone of voice? How are they presenting themselves? And then their words, all of it fitting together to tell you a very important story. One of my favorite scriptures, one something I've asked God to teach me is in James 1 19. And this was sort of a last-minute add. I don't even know if we have it. Do we have James 1 19? This is, this was something that, when I read this, God said, you know, this is something you need to make part of your life. Let me read it for you. This is what James says about listening and you do very well to put this in your memory bank. Listen to this. My dear brothers, take note of this. Everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak. What does that mean? Well, normally it's the opposite. Most of us are quick to speak and slow to listen. I love that because it tells me, hey, before I should start opening my mouth, maybe the first thing I should do is ask a question. Maybe the first thing I should do is find out what's going on in the life of another person. Maybe the first thing I should do is listen a little bit and then speak. And if that's something that maybe God intended for you to hear tonight, you'll know. The key is what's going on behind the words? What's going on behind the body language? What's going on behind the tone and the inflection? And maybe the most beautiful story of this that I could come off with, I found in Luke 7. So here's what we're going to do. It's on the back of your notes and I think we'll probably have it on the screen. And the reason I chose this story is because it's powerful, intimate communication without using words. Let's look at it together. Luke 7 and verse 36. Now one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him. And so he went to the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. And when a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town, by the way, and it says this in a couple of different versions, she was a woman of the streets. She was a prostitute. Learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house. And I gather there was some kind of a dinner party because she just showed up uninvited apparently. She brought an alabaster jar of perfume which indicated it was very expensive perfume. And she stood behind him at his feet, weeping. And I want to pause there for a second. Just think, you need to paint a mental picture of this. So here's this dinner party. And back then they didn't sit down on chairs like we would. You know, if you go over and have dinner out somewhere, it's likely you'll go in a chair unless you might find a Japanese restaurant or something where you would maybe sit on the floor or something. But in the Middle East, that's literally what they did. They sat, they reclined on the floor on some kind of cushions. They didn't have chairs. And she came and began to weep. In Jesus' presence. And her tears were so profuse that they wet his feet. I want you to just, can you imagine now that the dinner guests are watching this happen? And my hunch is that the conversation, whatever was going on conversationally, started to just slowly stop because this woman who everyone knew was a prostitute, a sinful woman, was hanging around Jesus and weeping. What was she weeping about? Probably regret. Maybe hurt. Maybe the pain of a life that had been so misspent. Maybe the being in the presence of holiness. She's weeping. And then picture her, and I gather she must have had long flowing hair, and she takes her hair and she begins to clean Jesus' feet using the moisture from her tears. And back then, as you've heard many times, because the roads were so dusty, normally when people traveled, their feet got very dirty. And so she's cleaning his feet, her feet, I'm sorry, his feet with her hair. Just, I mean, what a moment that was. And then, sort of like unexpectedly, she opens this bottle of perfume and she pours it over his feet. So this powerful, beautiful fragrance fills the room. And at that moment, friends, I have to say, I believe that the entire, whoever was there, we certainly know a Pharisee named Simon was there, and there were probably other guests. We're all wondering, what is Jesus doing? Doesn't he know? In fact, it goes on to say, they began to condemn him for this. When the Pharisee who invited him, his name was Simon, saw this, he said to himself, notice that, he didn't say out loud, he said to himself, okay, if this man were a prophet, he would know who's touching him and what kind of woman she is, that she's a sinner. Jesus answered him. I love this. How would you like to know that when you're in the presence of a person, he knew what you were thinking? Jesus answered Simon's thoughts, not his words. And he did it by telling him a word picture, a little story. Jesus answered him, Simon, I have something to tell you. Go ahead. Tell me teacher, he said. Two men owed money to a certain money lender. One owed him 500 denarii. Denarii was a day's wages. So it's, I don't know. I just picked a number, $50,000. Okay, $100 a day, $50,000. And the other 50 denarii, 10 times more than the other. Neither of them had the money to pay him back. So he canceled the debts of both. Now, which of them will love him more? Now, Simon's this Pharisee. And by the way, we've said many times from the platform, the Pharisees were a sect of Jews who were very well educated, very smart, highly respected by the people. And so this was not difficult for him. He knew the answer. Simon replied, verse 43, I think it is. He says, I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled. And Jesus answered, you got it. You judged correctly. Then he turned toward the woman. Now friends, remember, not a word has been spoken. And he said to Simon, the Pharisee, do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet. So he didn't even do the customary thing of cleaning Jesus' feet. But she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss. But this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven. For she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little, loves little. I want to pause right now and just point out a couple things about this powerful story. Jesus is not basically winking at the reality that this woman has wasted her life in prostitution and sin. But he is showing us something very powerful, isn't he? That the demonstration, and this is a word I want you to see, that when you learn to really feel what somebody's feeling in their heart, you demonstrate, this is the second point, you demonstrate that you care. And when Jesus saw this woman showing the love, the humility, the deep passion for forgiveness, I love the fact that he turned to her and said, your sins, though they be many, are forgiven. Now, quick question. Was he letting Simon off the hook? Was he saying, you know what, Simon, it's no big deal. You haven't sinned that much, so it doesn't matter. Not at all. In fact, if you've read the New Testament, you know that Jesus had his harshest words for the pride and the sinfulness of the Pharisees. But what he was pointing out was that, listen, watch, that Simon was not really even aware of the level of his sin. And friends, I just want to pause and say, and this is not my notes, I just want to say it. The biggest issue we face right here in Pittsburgh is that most people are not aware of their true spiritual condition. Most people think they're like Simon. Most people think they're just fine because they've kept their religious duties and done their religious thing. When in fact, the reality of their heart is like the woman who was the great sinner. Who'd lived their life in themselves, misspent the one and only life that God entrusted to them. And if you want to learn to hear people's hearts, you've got to learn to demonstrate that you're hearing not just their words, you're hearing what's going on inside at the feeling level. And I love that Jesus saw that. And I love the way he ends this exchange because this is what he says to us today as well. He said, your sins are forgiven. And the other guests began to say among themselves, who is this that even forgives sins? They're again, questioning his divinity and so on as being Messiah. And Jesus said to the woman, your faith has saved you. Go in peace. You see, loved ones, listen, being saved is more than just saying some words. It has to do with demonstrating in your heart that you really understand that you need a Savior. Being saved means that you're not afraid to demonstrate before God and others that you'll humble yourself and say, Lord, I need you to forgive me and I don't deserve it. Demonstrating love is one of the hardest things that we do, but it's one of the most needed things that we do in our lives. You know, I'm still processing one of the most courageous acts that I've seen in many years. One of our members and some of you might remember him. He is shared from this pulpit, not that on this platform, rather not that long ago. Ed Verbeck was up here. Ed, you would recognize because he's the guy that has two little walking canes and is literally, what, a little over four feet tall. Remember Ed? Ed is a wonderful guy, highly educated. He was the chaplain at one of the local nursing homes. He has his master's degree from one of the accredited seminaries in the area and he left that position to join our church because he felt the call of God to do so. When he was here, he was coming to Thursday night service and he met a young man by the name of Sean. And Ed's the kind of guy that if you need something, Ed will just say, Hey, I'll help out. I'll do it. Despite the enormous limitations, he has what's called brittle bone disease. So that every time that he would fall as a child and break, instead of just, you know, turning an ankle or whatever, his legs would fracture and when they would heal up, you know, he just didn't grow to be very tall. The top part of his torso is pretty normal, but his legs are really short. And Ed met Sean who was having kidney failure and Sean was on dialysis and Sean was having a difficult time finding a kidney donor. And Ed Verbeck said, You know what, Sean? I'll do it. I think you're a great guy and I want you to know that Jesus loves you and I believe that he's got someone for you that's going to supply that kidney because I don't believe you're meant to go through dialysis for the rest of your life. And Sean, by the way, he's a brand new Christian. Now, Ed went and got tested and lo and behold, nobody in Sean's family had a blood match. Ed had a perfect blood match. And Ed Verbeck, who has so many obstacles to overcome on top of the fact that he left his job to come and join our church and really right now is kind of in between employment, went into the hospital a few weeks ago and gave a kidney to another person. Knowing, by the way, that when he did, it was likely that he would suffer more than most because when apparently in that procedure, part of your rib cage has to be moved around. Ours has some flexibility. He doesn't. So he broke a rib. When his rib broke, it punctured a lung and went through some complications. I'm happy to tell you that he's recovering well. I was in to see him. And you know, I walked in his room and what moved me the most, he was sitting in a chair and there was four or five other young men, all men that he's discipling there around the room, just cheering him on. And he was telling me this story of how he went through all this and he said, I just want Sean to know it wasn't me that gave him that kidney. It was God. God just used me to provide. He demonstrated love. And I got to tell you, and I share this with Scott, and he looked at me and told me the same thing. I just don't know many people with that kind of courage. Most people with his condition would just sort of say, hey, look, you know, I've suffered enough in life. Not Ed. Ed was funny. He said, when I woke up from the anesthesia, he said, I knew I hurt where I was supposed to, but I didn't think I was supposed to hurt that much. And then, by the time I got home, by the time I got to see him, he was on the road to recovery. And I think he's now back home. We're pretty close to it. Here he's here tonight. Where's Ed? I just embarrass you. Stand up, Ed. Wave anyhow, just wave. There he is. He's right in the back. God bless you, brother. I forgot to tell you that Ed hates to miss church. And I didn't know he'd be here tonight. And I didn't, I knew he'd hear on the tape. And he couldn't do anything about it then, because he wouldn't want me to tell you this story. That's the truth. But I wasn't gonna let him get away with it. But he caught me. So, forgive me, brother, for telling the truth about you. But the reality is, Ed demonstrates love. Loved ones, finally in communication, let me just say this. It isn't easy. You can resolve tonight, and I hope you will, to say, you know what? I do want to find out where I am. And I do want to be, I do want to be really clear about the fact that I'm demonstrating care and love. But I want to tell you that it's going to take time. It's going to take energy to get where you need to go. I've been married quite a while. And Carol and I are still working on this. it was just, it was like one of those funny God moments, when this afternoon, in preparation for coming over here, we had one of those like misunderstandings. You know, it's just, it was like, this is, I said, can I use this tonight? This is a perfect illustration of being dense, you know, on my part. And the reality is that it's a lifelong process. But here's the thing, friends. What I found is, if you'll lean into it, God is so desirous. He so wants you to know the joy of being understood and understanding others. And what you'll find is this. I have found that people I'm really close to, many times will come. And let me share an illustration. I did ask permission to share with you that happened with JR not that long ago. A few months back. And JR and I were just having a normal touchpoint meeting that we have during the weekend. He certainly, down this path and for 40 minutes, JR said some very non-JR like kind of things that I won't repeat. I mean, just things that I've not heard him say. And I, after 40 minutes of listening, being quick to listen and slow to speak, I said, wait a minute, JR. Here's what I hear you saying. Is that what you mean? Or do you mean this? And I shared what I thought he was really trying to do. And it was a moment. It was like a moment of silence. And he said, you know, brother, you're absolutely right. He was actually creating sort of an outcome of a road we were going down that wasn't going to happen. I mean, nothing weird or anything. It was just like we were talking about ministry objectives. And he had this thing that was just really not him. And it wasn't close to where we were going to go. but, but something had happened that had created some uncertainty and some fear in him. And he was talking uncharacteristically. And I, when I said, no, that's not it at all, isn't it? It's this. And he said, you're right. And he just, he just completely turned emotionally. And he said, you really heard what was going on inside of me. And you just called out. And he said, I needed someone to put their finger on that fear. And you put your finger. And see, all I did was just say what I heard his heart saying. Friends, that's the point. Hear the heart. And the best way maybe demonstrate that is, funny, we were putting this message together. I said, what's a simple way to help people remember? Hear what the heart is saying. And look at the words, how the words work. Listen from the heart. And look what's right in the middle of the heart. Hear the heart of the person that you're listening to. And you will become loved like you've never known love before. I'd like you to stand with me for a moment. And everyone look this way just for a second. Here's a very important question for you. As I was reading that story about the woman and reading about her willingness to publicly demonstrate that she needed Jesus, the thought occurred to me as I was preparing that, I wonder how many people have an honest understanding of where they are in their journey with God. You know, having the car cruise gives me an opportunity to have scores of conversations with different folks. I had one last, this, I guess it was last night, this Friday, with a couple. And they might be here too. And I wouldn't know it. But I'm not going to call them out or anything like that. But I'm going to tell you the essence of the conversation. It was this. They understand God relating to them as a religious thing. That is to say, they think that they're going to be accepted by God based on how they've done overall. They think at the end, God's going to sort of weigh the bad things in their life, which they admitted they had a few, living together outside of being married and doing something else. Some other things that were pretty indulgent. Just one of them. But they also said, you know, we've done some pretty good things too. We've been, you know, we're not terrible people. We're going down this list. And we've even, you know, sent some money to feed the kids in Africa, that kind of thing. And I said, great. I said, wait a minute. What you're describing for me is religion. Religion is man's attempt to gain God's approval. And loved ones, if you're hearing me tonight, please listen. The greatest confusion, the greatest lie that's out there right now, the greatest lie that's over our city and the people of our city right now is that if you're just a good religious boy or girl, if you just go to church and kind of do your religious duty, that in the end, God's going to say, well, you know what? Your goods outweigh your bads. And in the end, I'm just going to say, you're cool. Come and spend eternity with me. And the reality is that it's all about a relationship of knowing Jesus Christ. It's about having the heart of that woman that says, Lord, I am not worthy to be in the same room with you. And when I'm in that room, my heart weeps because I realize that I have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. And I'm here tonight. I just want to ask you a question. Do you desire to know Jesus in a way that transcends religion so that you can know that no matter how much you fail and how often you do, just like me, I'm a sinner just like you that's been forgiven. And even today, when I sinned again, I turned to the Lord in that moment, Lord, I said, Lord, please forgive me for that. And I knew because, not because I deserve it, but because of his blood, so in the cross that he forgave me and I could be restored and commune with him. Friends, you can know that today. And I'm going to ask any one of you tonight. We don't say, you know what? I don't want to live a religious life. I want to have a relationship with the one true God. So how do I do that? Well, I'm going to lead you in a prayer in just a moment. When I pray this prayer, I want you to just pray from your heart and what you'll find is, well, Jesus said it this way. In Revelation 3, I'm going to read it right out of the scripture for you. In verse 20, he says this, Here I am, I stand at the door, that's the door of your heart, and I knock. And if anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and be with him and he with me. Would you like Christ to take up his presence in your heart? If so, he's knocking tonight. Bow your head and pray with me, please. All throughout the auditorium in Oakland, let's bow. Let's pray. Lord, we thank you for this moment. We thank you for the time that we can step back from life and the pace of life and look at our hearts, honestly. And many people right now, Lord, are weighing out that issue. Where are they with you? And friend, if you tonight want to know, if today in your heart, you're feeling like, I want to k